Ask Evie: My Sister Had An Abortion And I Don’t Know How To Forgive Her

READER’S QUESTION: "Hi Evie, A few years ago, I was able to locate my long lost half-sister that my father had with another woman before having me. I’m very pro-life, especially because my mom almost made the wrong choice when she was pregnant with me, so I sympathize deeply with children who weren’t so lucky. I was so excited to drive across the country to meet my half-sister for a two-day trip and start an amazing relationship. The first day that I met her, she told me she had an abortion. Hearing that broke me, but I managed to hide it and still be friendly because I didn’t want to make her feel even more guilty. Since she told me, I feel like I can’t emotionally bond with her, and I don’t reach out to her often or try to organize a trip to see her because I still feel sad about the child that was lost. Do I continue to have a distant relationship with her? Do I tell her how I feel and risk her feeling guilty?"

EVIE’S ADVICE: It’s true there are some situations where you have to limit or end a relationship with a family member. Maybe your mom chronically makes cruel comments or your dad is an abusive alcoholic or your brother does drugs or your sister thinks it’s not a big deal to drive drunk. These might be instances where you limit or even completely end a relationship for your own safety and the safety of anyone you’re responsible for, like your children. But in this situation, you don’t really know your half-sister's thoughts and feelings or motivation surrounding her abortion. Most women think they’re supposed to be okay with their abortion because it’s proclaimed to be this great and liberating advancement for women. But many women who buy into that marketing end up secretly sad and hurting but are too ashamed to admit it.

This is a case of "hate the sin and love the sinner."

In this case, it's not really about you and your personal hurt about your half-sister's abortion. As you are taking this news personally, it would benefit you and your relationship to forgive her. If you shame her or make her feel guilty about it, that could end your relationship and any possibility for you to find out if maybe she’s actually grieving. You have to maintain a relationship in order to help someone. People don’t listen to strangers. People are not convinced by strangers. This is a case of "hate the sin and love the sinner." Her abortion is in the past. You can't change that. What matters now is helping your sister live her best life, and, if the opportunity presents itself in the future, to help her find healing from her abortion. One excellent resource is Rachel's Vineyard, a global network of safe places where women and men can express, release, and reconcile their emotions after abortion to find healing.

It's good to grieve over your lost niece or nephew and honor their existence. But you also need to extend some understanding and sympathy to your half-sister. Think about your own mother's situation – what caused her to consider abortion? Her fears, her difficulties, her losses. While your mom admirably rose to the challenge, others are overwhelmed by their difficulties. We might not agree with or approve of their choice, but we can understand why they made the choice.

Not everyone in your life is going to be in one hundred percent agreement with you, and that’s okay. It’s valuable to surround yourself with people who have different opinions and beliefs, if only to see a different perspective and practice compassion. We recommend continuing to get to know your sister and forming a relationship that can lead to vulnerable conversations (preferably in person), like her abortion and her feelings about it. If she regrets her decision, you can help her on her healing journey and share some resources like the above. It may bring you closer together than you expect, especially if you’re the only person in her life who can validate her feelings of regret and remorse. If she is not regretful and instead expresses her stance on being pro-abortion, hopefully you both can have a respectful and thought-provoking conversation on what led each of you to feel the way you do to better understand each other, even if it’s not going to change either of your minds. 

Have a question you want our advice on? Email it to us at ask@eviemagazine.com.