Ask Evie: My Husband Is Addicted To His Phone. How Do I Make Him See How Bad It’s Gotten Without Constantly Nagging Him?

READER’S QUESTION: "Hi there. I just want to start by saying I would never speak ill of my man. I am not one to talk negatively about him to friends or gossip about him. I just don't know how to go forward on this issue. 

My husband is addicted to his phone, mainly playing games and using Twitter/X. No matter what he's doing, he is using his phone. Hanging out at home, watching a movie, being with friends and family, on date night, eating meals together, he is on his phone. It's at the point where we will be late for things because he is too busy arguing on Twitter or something while he is in the shower. Yes, he even uses his phone in the shower. 

It wasn't always this way. It's only been the last year or so that it's gotten this way. I've tried talking to him about it and he'll agree that he's on his phone too much, but nothing changes. I feel like I have to compete for any form of attention now. It's honestly sad and embarrassing to be out with our friends or sitting across from him at a restaurant, and he won't look up from his screen. 

I don't know what to do about it. I don't want to constantly nag or make him feel bad, but talking to him doesn't help, and short of disconnecting his phone from the internet, I feel like I don't have options until he decides he wants to change. I have even considered couples therapy to see if that helps open up communication, but he's made it clear in the past he doesn't think couples therapy is a good thing based on comments he has made in regards to friends we know who have done it. I've tried exploring with him why he feels the constant need to play games or argue with strangers on the internet, but we never get anywhere. 

As much as I dislike him prioritizing his phone over me and everything else, I'm more concerned about the long-term impacts on him if this behavior doesn't change. I also worry about what will happen when we have children and if he will continue to prioritize his phone over them or teach them to always be staring at screens. 

I love my husband, and I really want to find a solution. I'm just not sure how to go about it."

EVIE’S ADVICE: First, there is a difference between gossiping about and speaking ill of your husband and seeking outside counsel in order to genuinely improve your relationship. You shouldn’t feel badly about asking for help in this situation! It's incredibly annoying and insulting when you're trying to have a conversation or spend time together, and a phone gets more attention than you do. There are some tactics you can try in the moment, rather than turning it into a big discussion every time.

If you need to talk/communicate something short, start with "Hey, Name, I need to tell you something." Wait for a verbal response or for him to look up. If he goes right back to his phone or never looks up, then say, "I'd like your full attention. I'll wait until you're done," and then just stand right there next to him. This should make him feel pressured to put his phone down and look at you. Then, communicate what you need and end by thanking him for talking with you (men respond well to positive feedback). Do this every single time, and eventually, it should become a new habit for him. You don't need to have an attitude or harsh tone when you do this, but it gets your point across without "nagging" him.

If you're going out with friends or family, suggest that both of you leave your phones in the car so you can enjoy your time out. You should do this during date nights as well, especially since you don’t currently have children and don’t actually need to have your phones on you for any emergency reasons. If he objects to leaving his phone in the car, you can ask him gently and curiously why. “What is so important on your phone that you can't wait until we get home? What is more important than spending time with me, or your family, or our friends?” His answer will be telling and it may make him reflect on the reasons why he feels the need to continually check it.

You can also comment to him when you see other people on their phones in public during date nights or outings with friends, something like, “Isn’t it so sad to see someone so wrapped up in their phone that they’re missing out on real life?” Or, “The girl he’s with looks so sad that he’s just ignoring her. She’s probably better off finding someone who appreciates her and values her enough to pay attention to what she’s saying, don’t you think?” Or, “I hate when so-and-so is on their phone every time we’re together. It makes me feel disrespected and like they don’t actually want to spend time with me. Why do I even bother going?” If you make comments like this when you see other people on their phones, he’ll likely get the hint about how you feel without you having to outright confront or "nag" him about it. He’ll also be able to take himself out of the situation and may be more likely to see the issues and the implications when he’s not directly involved.  

A spouse who is not willing to participate in the day-to-day moments with you fully and presently is a huge issue you should not overlook.

You can also suggest a “no phone” rule in the mornings and/or evenings when you’re having meals together or trying to spend some quality time with each other. Tell him that you think you should, again, both leave your phones in a different room during specific hours. It’s easy to fall into the trap of, “Well, he’s on his phone, so I may as well be on mine too,” but it’s much more uncomfortable for someone to be on their phone if the other person is not and is actively trying to engage them instead. You can even turn it into a fake "you problem" where you say that you feel like you're spending too much time wrapped up in technology. Suggest designating a “charging station” in your living room or somewhere outside the bedroom and get a physical alarm clock if that’s his excuse for needing his phone in bed. Communicate to him how much quality time means to you – whether that’s talking face to face without distractions, cooking dinner together while discussing your day, watching a movie you can laugh about together, or any other number of activities. These may seem like small things, but they really do add up, and a spouse who is not willing to participate in the day-to-day moments with you fully and presently is a huge issue (and red flag) you should not overlook. 

If he can’t get this under control now, we would not count on him suddenly changing his tune when kids are in the picture. You want a man who is going to be fully present for his children. Kids are extremely perceptive, even babies, and if he is staring at his screen instead of talking to or playing with his kids, that sets an extremely bad example for them with technology, in addition to telling them subconsciously that they are not his priority. 

He definitely has boundary issues with his phone if he can't even shower without it. If he can acknowledge that it has gotten out of control and is open to your suggestion for making changes together, you can even introduce him to the idea of using a "light" phone for a period of time and/or taking a social media detox together if X is his main reason for being constantly engaged. The issue of him spending hours arguing with strangers on X is a completely separate topic that is also concerning and should be addressed. He is not a teenage boy, he is a grown man with a wife, and if arguing with strangers on X is so important that he’s late for things because of it, he desperately needs to reexamine his values and priorities. 

Your husband may not be willing to go to couples therapy, but that shouldn't stop you from seeking advice from a counselor if you feel like you would benefit from it. Or, maybe he would be more willing to go by himself. Often, people who are addicted know they are addicted, and they don't necessarily like the behavior, but they don't know how to stop themselves. Having a third party involved, like a counselor, can be a great tool to use as an accountability partner to help him make practical plans and stick to them so you don’t feel like you are constantly nagging him or acting as his mother.

Have a question you want our advice on? Email it to us at ask@eviemagazine.com.