Ask Evie: I've Lost Most Of My Friends Over The Last Couple Of Years. How Do I Stop Feeling So Alone?

READER’S QUESTION: “Over the last couple of years, I've lost most of my friends. I had two very close friends, but one recently got married and moved and never talks to me anymore. The other has decided to transition to non-binary/male and gently implied that she doesn't want to be friends anymore. I had a couple of loose friends, but they ignore me too. I try to reach out, but it's like everyone has outgrown me. I think it comes down to a few things, I'm a conservative, and a lot of friends dropped me for that when Covid hit the fan (this is why I've deleted all of my social media except an anonymous account on TikTok).  

I don't have any work friends – they are mostly guys and I'm married so I keep my distance. I'm married, but I don't have kids, I'm a little overweight, and I work a blue-collar job (it's the only thing I could find that didn't force me to get repeated Covid boosters), so people at church and in conservative circles kind of treat me like I'm an alien or unworthy and liberals treat me like I'm stupid, like they are embarrassed to be in the same room with me and like I'm the plague. I try to be nice to everyone, and I try to avoid conflict and drama, but I don't hide what I believe either. I've jumped through so many hoops but can't seem to hold onto any friends. 

My heart is crushed right now, and I feel so alone. Maybe I should just embrace it? Maybe there is no place for someone like me. How do I stop feeling like this? I try to keep smiling, but I feel like I'm drowning."

EVIE’S ADVICE: This is such a tough position to be in; we’re so sorry you have to go through this! You’re certainly not alone in this scenario, though. Sadly, we are in a strange time when political affiliation (or even silence) can result in the loss of friends and family members. The difficult truth is that friendships have taken a hit in the wake of 2020 politics and public health policy. We can’t control other people – their attention or their reactions or their judgment – we can only take charge of ourselves. It sounds like your two main circles – work and church – aren’t good places to find friends right now, so it’s time to change up your routine and put yourself in the presence of new and different people. 

Just because things have been difficult, this is not the time to give up on people! Your tribe is out there and those people will accept and like you for who you are. Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to find them. It may feel impossible, but you have to actively put yourself out there as much as you can. If you’re feeling down and desperate right now, that, unfortunately, is not a magnetic state that draws other people to you. So, becoming more confident in who you are and what you have to offer as a friend is essential. That might mean exercising more, or focusing on affirmations about your good qualities, or practicing gratitude. You’ll likely have to act your way into a feeling – in other words, even if you don't feel like putting on your best face and smiling for the world to see, act like you want to meet people and put your best foot forward. We've found that no matter what you look like and regardless of whether you "fit in" with the people around you, if you shine so bright and make others feel something special, they won't be able to stay away from you. With this mindset and attitude, you'll have no problem whatsoever finding new friends. 

Remember everything you have to be grateful for and be the person that you would want to be friends with.

You could try anything from going to a different coffee shop to trying out a new church to moving to a new neighborhood. Is there a group ministry or community service project you’re interested in that you can join? A class at the library or community center you can take to meet people with common interests? An adult community sports team you and your husband can participate in together? We would also encourage you to get involved with some online communities. Joining a fitness group or politically focused group online with women who have similar interests will help you meet people virtually who can give you meaningful friendship while you find new friends in your local community.

Additionally, be patient and don’t give up. Finding friends as an adult is a lot harder than when we were kids and would happily play with strangers on the playground. Many adult friendships are “state of life” based – newly married, married without kids, new moms, etc. It’s easier to build a friendship when you’re going through the same phases and struggles together. Of course, that’s not to say you can’t be friends with people in different stages of life – you can and you will! It’s just something to keep in mind when looking to make new friends. Also, keep an eye out for other women who look like they don’t have many friends either. Introduce yourself – they may be very grateful you took the initiative! All in all, remember everything you have to be grateful for and be the person that you would want to be friends with.

Have a question you want our advice on? Email it to us at ask@eviemagazine.com.