Ask Evie: I Think I Might Have Proof My Husband Cheated. What Do I Do?

READER’S QUESTION: “I recently found a letter to my then-boyfriend, now-husband while looking for his birth certificate from a female colleague outlining her ‘favorite memories’ working with him. At the time of this letter, he was leaving his job for another at a different company, and this was her goodbye letter to him. In the letter, she states: ‘I remember when the blinds were finally installed in the office, and you were dictating to me how you wanted the OT distributed, but all I could focus on was that I was in a room, alone, with you. … I’m nervous thinking about it now.’ This is only one of MANY memories she expresses in a two-page letter, but is the one that I feel had the most inappropriate connotation. I haven’t told him I found this letter, but I feel like my gut feeling about her/them has been justified this whole time. And if she is writing to him about her favorite memories, to me, this means they have discussed this specific ‘memory’ before because she wouldn’t drop this statement in a goodbye letter with no context. After leaving his job, he got her hired at his new place of employment, and they have worked together since. I have been skeptical of their relationship since he started talking about her after she was hired. He cheated on me with another female colleague (his superior) at this same job where he initially met the letter-writer. I have expressed my dislike at their close relationship (he knows way too many things about her, from her treatment for endometriosis to pregnancy scares). He tries to make me feel better by saying she’s fat, but she’s actually a pretty girl who is curvy (not fat), and to me, personality is 100% more important than looks, so I definitely think there can be something there even if he wants to hide behind a remark about her body. In conclusion, I need advice two ways: 1) How do I approach him about this letter from years ago, or do I just let it go because it was in the past? and 2) Am I reading too much into this, or is there definitely some infidelity here? Thanks, Mad at a past version of my husband” EVIE’S ADVICE: This is a tough position to be in and it's awful to experience this kind of pain and betrayal — because at the end of the day, this is a betrayal, even if he didn't have physical relations with her. Trying to figure out what was going on is tricky. There could be a few scenarios at play: She had a crush on him that was unreciprocated, and nothing happened between the two of them, and perhaps she wrote the letter hoping it would spark something. Or, something happened — back then, maybe now. It's hard to know. With his history of cheating and the fact he still works with this woman, it's natural to feel insecure and overanalyze his every comment about this colleague. If she happens to have no filter about her personal life, he can’t really be blamed for that. That being said, he has a track record of cheating with a work colleague, and he also held on to this letter from her — why? Because the attention made him feel good or because it meant something more? Regardless, this woman clearly doesn't respect your marriage. Before you bring it up, know what you want to get out of the conversation and what your basic plans are for each possible outcome. Ultimately, you need to confront him. If you want to have a lasting, successful marriage, you have to establish trust. First, you have to approach him one-on-one, in a calm and collected manner, and try not to let your emotions get the better of you. Be vulnerable with him and explain how hurtful this has been for you and that you want your marriage to work. The fact that he's still working with this woman is worrisome, and you have every right to tell him that their "friendship" makes you uncomfortable. You even have every right to ask him point blank if anything has ever happened between them physically. The most important thing when approaching him on this topic is to remember that you come from a place of love. It's also a good idea when going into this conversation that know what you want to get out of it and what you'll do with each possible outcome. If you don't address these issues now, they will only get worse over time, and there's a much higher likelihood that he will develop these kinds of inappropriate relationships with other women in the future. Second, it might be fruitful to suggest a mediator or counselor . It sounds like your husband has some issues with infidelity and a wandering eye, even if that manifests in exclusively emotional ways. Ask if he's willing to work on these issues together, with an expert, who can guide you both in the hopes that your marriage will grow stronger from this . Keep reminding yourself — and him — that the reason you're addressing this is because you want to have a strong, honest foundation for a lasting marriage. Have a question you want our advice on? Email it to us at ask@eviemagazine.com .