Ask Evie: My Legal Husband Went Behind My Back And Planned A Strip Club Bachelor Party Before Our Religious Wedding. What Should I Do?

READER’S QUESTION: "I married my husband civilly a few months ago, and we are having our religious wedding in a few months. He has always known that I am very much against a Vegas/strip club bachelor party. He accepted to marry me knowing how strongly I felt about this, and he agreed not to have one.

A few weeks ago, I noticed something was off, so I started looking through his messages on his Apple watch without him knowing. I found conversations with his friends and found out they have everything planned out already for a Las Vegas strip club bachelor party. I was extremely upset, more so because everything was done behind my back. 

His argument is that he wants to have a last outing with his friends before we get married (which we already are and are living together). My argument is that I have never liked or believed in this kind of partying; I find it disrespectful and disgusting. He promised not to have one, lied to me, and now is about to break his promise. What should I do? Am I overreacting?"

EVIE’S ADVICE:  Buckle in, girlie, we’ve got some tough truths to discuss here. First, we’ll start out by saying that you absolutely are not overreacting. Not only is wanting to go to a strip club a huge problem, but intentionally hiding it from you and lying to your face about it is a major, major red flag. It sounds like there are a few issues at play here which may have led to this situation in the first place. It seems like you are coming from the perspective of being married (because you legally are), but he is viewing you two as not married (because the religious ceremony has not happened yet), thus he still wants to have a “last outing” to celebrate/mourn his single life. Regardless, he has lied to you, and even worse, about something he knows is deeply important to you. He broke his promise and tried to sneak behind your back to do something that you have communicated to him would be disrespectful to you. There’s no denying that, and ultimately, it’s something you need to address and decide if it’s worth moving forward with him. 

When he tells you that going to a strip club for a bachelor party is no big deal and that “everyone does it” (because he will), here’s what you need to ask him: Why does he think it’s okay to get lap dances from naked women while he’s engaged or married? How is that not cheating? Because he’s paying her? Has he been programmed that it’s socially acceptable in that context, whereas in any other context, if a woman took her clothes off and grinded on him, he’d likely consider that cheating? How would he feel if the roles were reversed and you were being grinded on by a man wearing little to no clothing? 

Paying to see anyone take off their clothes for your pleasure is cheating.

It doesn’t matter if you’ve been married for 10 years or dating for five months, cheating is cheating, and paying to see anyone take off their clothes for your pleasure is cheating. No decent, masculine, respectable man would want to go to a strip club when he is devoted to someone else, much less when it’s behind your back. 

This is a hard pill to swallow, but you really need to decide for yourself if this is a man worth being married to. Is this a man you can count on to be truthful, faithful, and loving for the rest of your life? Is this the man you want to father your children and be their role model? It sounds like he is already having difficulty being honest with you and being respectful to you and you haven’t even had your religious wedding ceremony yet. You shouldn't have to go through his messages when he’s not looking, and now that he knows you have, he’s likely going to become even more savvy with his sneaking around so as not to get caught next time he’s up to something. This is not a burden you should have to settle for. Getting married in a religious ceremony isn’t going to resolve these issues for you; if anything, they are only going to grow more difficult to deal with.

Have a question you want our advice on? Email it to us at ask@eviemagazine.com.