Are You Obsessed With Trash Talking Your Ex?

It started off as a way to vent, but after a few weeks, I realized I couldn’t stop. Something was preventing me from moving on, and it was driving my friends, family, and myself crazy. After awhile, a couple of friends and family members were blunt with me and told me that I should speak to a therapist to figure out why I was behaving this way, and I couldn’t be more grateful because this extra step helped me finally heal. I want to clarify the difference between venting and trash talking because there is a clear distinction. Casey Cavanagh of College Candy keeps it simple: the difference between the two is that trash talking is done with "malicious intent." It’s healthy to vent about things that annoy you or are bothering you because it can be productive, but trash talking is never productive and is often a personal attack on the other person. One can be a healthy way of expressing emotions, and the other is immature and often downright cruel. Why Venting About Our Exes Can Be Therapeutic The truth is that venting about your ex can be psychologically cathartic, but you have to do it in a constructive way. Marriage and family therapist Emily Simonian says, “From a mental health standpoint, I think that it can be very emotionally cathartic to talk candidly about any quote-unquote ‘negative’ feelings about your ex, point blank. In general, I think to speak poorly about your ex – if those are your true feelings – that’s classic processing … As you are able to process your thoughts, not only does it give you awareness, it also releases tension that might be built up, releasing that negative emotional energy.” The key is to make sure you have a healthy outlet to discuss your feelings. A therapist or trusted family member or friend is likely the best person to speak to. It can be helpful to have a vent sesh with a trusted person who can help you process your feelings in a healthy way and let the heartbreak process play out naturally and healthily. A girl’s night out might be a good idea to let off some steam after a breakup, but you don’t want to be getting drunk and ranting about your ex to strangers or posting cryptic messages on social media. If you’re a more creative person, channel your feelings into journaling, poetry, or art. Embrace letting your feelings out in a healthy way, but make sure to set boundaries to prevent venting about your ex from becoming habitual. When Venting Becomes Trash Talking When does venting about your ex become unhealthy, therefore turning into trash talking? Simonian says , “You know that it’s crossed a line if it’s impairing your ability to live your life in a mentally healthy way where you are able to move on. Look at it in terms of functioning rather than an amount of time.” Another indication of venting turning into trash talking is when it stops being therapeutic and becomes mean-spirited, which often means you’re becoming resentful. If you’ve resorted to trash talking your ex, you probably haven’t fully moved on. If you feel like you’re unable to move on, there’s a good chance that something else about your ex is still bothering you. Whether it’s something particularly painful from the relationship or something he said or did that still angers you, this is a good time to speak to a therapist to figure out what’s preventing you from letting go, forgiving, and moving forward. Once you figure it out, you can overcome the hurdle and grieve the rest of the breakup healthily. Therapy is a great way to figure out why you can’t stop trash talking your ex, but there are other ways to heal. One of the best ways is to redirect your energy into something more productive, like working out, finding a new hobby, or focusing on getting ahead at work. It’s hard to trash talk your ex if you’re busy and productive, but don’t forget that it’s important to heal while distracting yourself. If you focus on something else without doing the work to get over your ex, all it will do will shove the feelings away, and they’ll inevitably come back to haunt you later. It may be tempting to try to forget, but the only way out of heartbreak is through. It’s Possible To Go Through a Breakup without Trash Talking Contrary to popular belief (*cough* almost every breakup song), there is such a thing as a healthy breakup. Sometimes two people just aren’t meant to be together, and that’s okay. Even if the circumstances of your breakup are less than ideal, it’s still possible to have a healthy breakup and refrain from trash talking your ex. So how should you go about a healthy breakup? Dating coach Nicole Boyar says, “There are three main ingredients that make a breakup healthy: deep reflection, good communication, and most of all, lots of self-love. In order for a breakup to be healthy, you’ve got to have space to process your emotions – both with the other person and, even more importantly, with yourself. Explore what you’re feeling and why. Ask yourself questions.” This strategy leaves plenty of room to process your emotions, but no room for trash talking. Even if you didn’t take these steps at the beginning of the breakup, it’s never too late to start. It’s important to process your emotions and learn not to hide your feelings, which can prevent you from bottling things up and resorting to trash talking. It’s possible to have a healthy breakup that’s free of trash talking, it just takes more work. It may be difficult in the moment, but it’s worth it in the long run. Closing Thoughts Venting about your ex can be a healthy way to process your feelings after a breakup, but it can also easily veer into excessive trash talking. Not only is it important to know the difference between venting and trash talking, but it’s also important to know what to do if you find yourself obsessed with this destructive habit. Chances are that there are still parts of your relationship that you need to resolve, and talking to a therapist or trusted individual can help you heal once and for all. Love Evie? Sign up for our newsletter and get curated content weekly!