9 Things You Should Never Say To Your Husband

We’re all guilty of saying something we later wish we hadn’t. How many of us have laid awake at night, having 3 a.m. cringe session as we replay an ugly verbal fight we had? Or felt an immediate wave of regret wash over us after unleashing a few harsh words? Or had to apologize for hurting the feelings of someone we love?

We’ve all heard the saying, “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can never hurt me.” And while there’s some encouragement against being swayed by the words of others to be found in this old adage, it’s also not entirely true. Words can hurt.

The words we say have a deep effect on those around us – especially on our husband. While it’s true that we can apologize for something we’ve said, we can’t ever totally take it back. Once a hurtful phrase has been said, it continues to live in the memory of both the person who said it and the person who heard it. What we say will either build up our marriage and make it stronger, or it will slowly chip away at it, and over time our marriage’s foundation will be totally demolished.

So what are the phrases that we should never say to our husband? Read on to find out.

“You Always” and/or “You Never”

Ah, the classic. Anyone who has ever been in a single session of couple’s therapy has heard to not use all-or-nothing, extreme statements like, “You always leave your socks on the floor!” or “You never treat me like I’m important!” but the majority of us also need a reminder that these phrases, even if we really believe them to be true, are deeply unhealthy.

Because the likelihood is that they’re not entirely true. What’s more likely is that he often leaves his socks on the floor, or that he does not often take the time to make you feel important in a way that’s meaningful to you. Using “you always” and “you never” statements will cause him to be on the defense and will only feed into your resentment.

Instead of falling into this kind of black and white thinking, we can approach him with our concerns while giving him credit where it’s due: “Can you try to remember to put your socks in the hamper? I’ve noticed you’ll do it a couple of times and then start forgetting. It would mean so much to me if you could remember,” and “It makes me feel so good when you make a point of introducing me to your friends at parties.”

“Calm Down”

This statement does not help anyone, man or woman, child or adult, who’s emotionally heightened. Telling someone to calm down or relax will make them feel uncared for, condescended to, and way more upset than they were before. 

Instead of telling him to calm down when he’s agitated about something, we can show that we recognize and validate his emotions (“This seems like it’s upsetting you. Do you want to talk about it?”), allow him to express what he’s feeling, let him know we heard him by repeating back what he said (“What I’m hearing you say is…”), and ask him if he wants to talk about a way to remedy the situation.

“I Hate You/I Don’t Love You”

If there’s one statement that really can’t be taken back, it’s this one. Every wife has been irritated with her husband, felt distant from him, or had a difficult time getting along. We might even feel like it’s difficult to “like” him at times. But through it all, he should never question if we love him.

Screaming “I hate you!” in the middle of an argument is immature, destructive, and not the right way to express the very real emotions you’re experiencing. It’s crucial that even in the midst of a disagreement, we reassure him that we love him and want to work toward a solution: “I love you, but I’m really upset with you right now. I don’t like the way you’re speaking to me. Can we try to work through this?”

“This Is All Your Fault”

There’s always someone to blame in the midst of an ugly fight or an inconvenient situation, and miraculously, that person (in our estimation) is never ourselves. It’s tempting to take ourselves out of the equation and lay all the blame on him, but is it fair?

It takes two to tango, and even if one person is more at fault for the situation, it’s simply untruthful to assign blame to one single person. The reality is we did have a hand in creating our circumstances, whether it was big or small. Maybe we made a snarky comment or didn’t communicate with him. The more willing we are to own up to our faults, the less these disagreements or inconveniences will harm our marriage.

“You’re Overreacting”

Maybe it feels like he really is overreacting. To us, it seems like he’s getting really worked up over a small thing – but we likely only have a piece of the puzzle. To him, the person with the entire puzzle, his reaction matches the emotions he’s feeling right now. Telling him otherwise won’t be helpful.

Even if his reaction seems totally out of line, allow him the opportunity to talk about what’s going on for him instead of using a statement like, “You’re overreacting! It’s not that big of a deal,” which immediately shuts down his emotions.

“I’m Fine”

Maybe this one worked for a while, but the men are onto us now. They know that we’re not fine – that’s why they ask if everything is okay. So why do we keep coldly assuring our husband that we’re fine? Because we want him to intuitively know what’s wrong? Because we want him to read our mind or make assumptions?

Saying “I’m fine” when we’re quite clearly not won’t get him to magically pick up on what’s wrong – he’ll just feel like there’s no winning. So the next time he enquires about why we seem upset, even if we’re not in the mood to talk just yet, just be honest: “I’m feeling a little irritated. I just need a minute to think. Can we talk about it in a little while?”

“I’m Sorry You Feel That Way”

We get it – apologizing feels natural to none of us. It’s no fun, not only having to inwardly admit to ourselves that we were in the wrong, but having to verbally admit it to someone else too. But if there’s one phrase to stay away from when apologizing, it’s “I’m sorry you feel that way.”

This feels like it should be enough when we’re in the apology hot seat, but this isn’t a genuine apology. It doesn’t acknowledge that our actions were the source of the issue, and it suggests that the other person’s feelings are the problem instead. It’s tough, but it’s worth to it just swallow our pride and say, “I’m sorry that I [fill in the blank]. That was wrong of me.”

“You’re Not Allowed”

This isn’t to be confused with setting boundaries, which are a way for us to protect our well-being (for example, “I love you, but I can’t text you back when I’m at work”). Boundaries, when set properly, are the sign of a healthy and mature person. 

That being said, we shouldn’t be telling our husband what he is or is not allowed to do (for example, “You’re not allowed to go and have fun without me”). Not only will this make him feel like a child, but he’ll become bitter about the (ultimately unfair) barriers we’re placing upon him.

“You’re an Idiot” (or Any Kind of Name-Calling)

This should go without saying, but we’re willing to bet the majority (if not all) of us have resorted to name-calling before. But even if it’s something everyone has done, using degrading names against our husband is always, invariably, wrong. 

This kind of behavior is extremely destructive and emotionally damaging. But the good news is that we have control over whether or not we name-call. If it has become a habit, it can be a difficult one to break, but it is possible. Whether going to counseling would help get our fighting style under control, or implementing practices like taking a few minutes to cool off when things start to get heated, this is a statement that shouldn’t make another appearance.

Closing Thoughts

So…how’d you do? The likelihood is that many of us have said a few of these statements before. But even so, make it your mission to banish these phrases from your vocabulary – your husband and your marriage will thank you.

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