4 Unexpected Ways To Know If He's “The One”
How can you know if someone is ‘the one’? I was in youth group in the early 2010s, so of course I had the quintessential “husband list.” Later, at 20, saying I’d found him felt almost reckless. I spent hours praying and asking myself, “Is this the man I should marry?” My list lay forgotten in an old journal.
Years later, after I was married, I found it again.
It struck me that many of my desired characteristics did indeed fit my husband; he was involved in church, not a pew warmer. He wanted kids, liked reading, and was tall. But many of the characteristics I placed a high importance on, such as a diverse background like mine, turned out to be less important in the long run.
My husband grew up in a small, picturesque town in Michigan. I grew up on a ranch by a German Mennonite colony in Bolivia. Some of the things I appreciate most about him—his emotional maturity, steadfastness, selfless leadership, grace toward others, and ability to forgive—none of those qualities were on my list, but they did describe a person I was quietly longing for and ultimately showed me that we were the right fit.
If you’re trying to figure out if a man is a potential husband or a future ex-boyfriend, here are some points that helped me (an updated “husband list,” if you will). Sometimes I felt crazy for wanting to get married, like everyone else saw something I didn’t. When doubt crept in, these points anchored me and reminded me that I wasn’t solely basing my decision on feelings. There was real evidence that this was the person I unequivocally wanted to spend the rest of my life with.
Compare Your Roadmaps
Shared values are the bedrock upon which your relationship is built. Everything else will crumble if this crucial element is not solid. Having the same tastes and interests is not enough if you don’t agree on the purpose of life. Without shared values, you will be leading parallel lives with different ideas of success, meaning, and family.
The Bible illustrates this concept with the term “unequally yoked.” This analogy describes two oxen yoked together, pulling in opposing directions. They drag one another in an unending cycle of purposelessness. You don’t need to make a first date feel like an interview, especially because some major values can be picked up on quickly. However, after a few months of serious dating, you should know how important their faith is to them, and how they live it out; if they want children; how they view money.
Being with someone whose values don’t align with yours is like going on a road trip together, but with two different maps and destinations.
As you learn about someone’s values, it's equally important to observe if they live them out. All of us are incongruent in some ways, but it's important to see if someone just says the right thing, or if they choose the right thing. As a proverb points out, all of how someone lives their life flows out of what is in their heart.
Being with someone whose values don’t align with yours is like going on a road trip together, but with two different maps and destinations. Compare your maps, and make sure you have the same destination.
Does Conversation Feel Like Connection or a Chore?
The guy I dated briefly before my husband (whom I refer to as “that poor soul”) didn’t have any glaring character flaws. He was a kind person, he treated me well, and our values lined up. But there was a major problem: I found him incredibly boring after a few weeks. I felt guilty for feeling this way about a perfectly nice person who seemed thrilled to be dating me. But once I realized I didn’t want to spend time together, I knew it was time to break up.
What I’ve learned since is that being able to have easy conversations and feel comfortable with one another, whether talking or being quiet, is a big indicator of compatibility. The guy I dated was likely not a boring person, but I found him so. I thought this feeling was unique to me until my younger sister brought it up years later when she dated her husband. “Every guy I dated before him was fun at first, but then I’d, like, just get bored. I’d feel bad, but I’d end up breaking up with them because I just couldn’t stand it anymore. This guy isn’t like that.”
Find that someone whose “thrills never end” for you.
When I met my husband, we could walk around our city for hours, and it felt like we’d just begun. We could sit in silence, reading or working, and it felt like solitude, only better. Recently, on a getaway when my mom generously took all of our kids for a few days, we were able to enjoy that dynamic again. We talked for a few hours driving, then found a great coffee shop and sat close to each other reading for an hour or so.
This compatibility is beautifully expressed in a book called “Letters to Karen”, in which her dad promises her that someday, she will meet someone whose “thrills never end,” whose personality you can explore and get to know forever. Find that someone whose “thrills never end” for you.
How Do They Respond Under Pressure?
People are dynamic and nuanced, and most have some baggage. That’s normal. Conflict reveals how they will treat you when hurt feelings and disagreements arise.
Pay attention to whether someone has a history of discarding family and friends. If they’re willing to cut off parents, siblings, neighbors, and close friends without seeking reconciliation, you will be next in line eventually, or pushed to do likewise with your own relationships that you hold dear. Notice if they take responsibility for where things go awry, or if they are instead quick to label others as “toxic”. Toxic describes waste, not people.
Love not only needs attraction, but emotional security.
The opposite of cutting people off is having hard conversations graciously and setting clear boundaries. Seeing the grace my husband extended to people in the middle of relational issues, without being drawn into drama or cutting people off, grew my respect for him. He kindly, respectfully, and consistently sought to have good relationships with those around him, even when conflict arose. That same character has guided us through ten years worth of conflict with compassion and understanding.
How Admiration Builds Security
Love sounds romantic, exciting, and aspirational. Respect? Not so much. It sounds more like what you’d hope for out of a relationship with your boss or HR department. But in marriage, love and respect go hand in hand. Another way I think of respect in our relationship is “admiration.” A key sign that someone is a good fit for you is not just if you like them, but if you look up to them, and they, in turn, recognize and admire your character, strengths, and skills.
Life will bring challenges throughout a marriage, and it’s important to be with someone whom you trust as capable and steady. Especially for women, it is incredibly attractive, and freeing, to be able to trust your husband to take the reins with competence, wisdom, and strength. Love not only needs attraction, but also emotional security.
In the best marriages, both people feel like they are “marrying up”—not in the financial or social class sense, but in character and competence.
When I wrote my “husband list,” I thought I needed someone with the same background as me. It turned out I needed someone whose heart I trusted.
If you are in that season of wondering, “Is this the one?” don’t just look for someone you can get along with. Look for someone who lives out their values, who you can talk with for hours, who knows how to forgive, whom you not only love but also respect.
That might be the person whose thrills never end for you.