250 Years Later: What Jane Austen Still Gets Right About Manners Today

Austen, who would have celebrated her 250th birthday this month, remains something of a patron saint of discernment. Her novels reveal how manners operate beneath the surface through restraint, introductions, seating arrangements, and the subtle choice of when to speak and when not to. While her world looked very different from ours, many of her insights feel uncannily modern.

The question isn’t whether we should return to Regency-era customs wholesale. It’s which of Austen’s principles still elevate our social lives, and which deserve a thoughtful update.

The Power of Self-Control

At the heart of Austen’s understanding of etiquette is emotional regulation. Good manners, in her world, were never about pretending not to feel, but about choosing how and when those feelings were expressed.

In Sense and Sensibility, Elinor Dashwood offers what might be the most concise etiquette philosophy ever written:

“I will be calm; I will be mistress of myself.”

This line captures Austen’s belief that composure is a form of respect, both for oneself and for others. Elinor’s restraint reflects discernment rather than emotional distance. She understands that immediacy does not guarantee honesty, and that dignity often requires patience.

Good manners, in her world, were never about pretending not to feel, but about choosing how and when those feelings were expressed.

In modern life, particularly in dating, professional environments, and online spaces, this principle remains essential. Etiquette still asks us to pause before reacting, to choose our tone carefully, and to recognize self-command as a form of social intelligence.

The Lost Art of the Introduction

One of the most striking etiquette rules in Austen’s world is also one of the most foreign to us today: two strangers simply did not speak unless they had been properly introduced by a third party.

Throughout her novels, Austen uses introductions as social gatekeepers. Without one, a character could attend a ball, sit at a crowded tea table, or spend an entire evening in company and still be effectively alone. Introductions created permission, signaling trust, shared context, and social legitimacy.

In Northanger Abbey, Catherine Morland experiences this discomfort firsthand when she arrives in Bath. She longs to dance and participate but lacks the necessary acquaintances. Austen uses Catherine’s isolation to illustrate how vulnerable social spaces can feel when no one takes responsibility for welcoming others in.

When an introduction does occur, everything changes. A single intermediary transforms strangers into companions, and sometimes into romantic prospects. Austen understood that introductions were not trivial formalities; they were acts of generosity.

Today, of course, etiquette encourages self-introductions rather than waiting passively. But the principle still holds. Good manners mean noticing who is standing alone, making connections thoughtfully, and recognizing that ease in social settings is often something we offer one another.

If Austen were alive today, she would likely approve of confident self-introductions. What she would not forgive is indifference.

Why Delivery Outweighs Intent

Austen had little patience for the idea that good intentions excuse poor delivery. Politeness, in her view, depended far more on how something was said than on what the speaker meant.

In Emma, she writes:

“Silly things do cease to be silly if they are done by sensible people in an impudent way.”

Cleverness without kindness quickly becomes arrogance.

It’s a reminder that cleverness without kindness quickly becomes arrogance. Wit, when wielded carelessly, bruises rather than charms.

Modern etiquette echoes this exactly. “Just being honest” is not a license to correct, critique, or comment without sensitivity to context. Austen reminds us that true manners begin with consideration, not cleverness.

The Discipline of Disagreeing Well

Austen never suggested that people must agree to be polite. She did, however, insist that disagreement be governed by restraint.

In Pride and Prejudice, she offers a line that feels especially timely:

“Angry people are not always wise.”

Good manners leave room for strong opinions, but require that they be expressed without hostility, with clarity rather than volume, and with disciplined civility.

Whether navigating family debates, workplace tensions, or political differences, Austen’s message remains clear: losing one’s temper rarely strengthens one’s argument, and never one’s character.

Pride, Vanity, and the Difference That Still Matters

Austen was careful to distinguish confidence from self-importance, a nuance we still struggle with today.

Again in Pride and Prejudice, she writes:

“Vanity and pride are different things, though the words are often used synonymously.”

Pride, rooted in self-respect, allows for dignity and boundaries. Vanity, untethered from humility, disrupts social harmony. Austen understood that true poise is quiet, assured, and attentive to others.

In an era that rewards loud confidence and constant self-promotion, this distinction feels newly relevant.

A Hosting Rule Worth Keeping

One Austen-era custom that often surprises modern hosts is the practice of seating couples separately at dinner. At first glance, it can sound unfriendly or even disruptive, but the intention behind it was deeply social.

In Jane Austen’s world, dinner was not meant to be a series of private conversations happening in parallel. It was a shared experience designed to draw everyone into the flow of the table. Seating couples apart helped prevent conversations from becoming insular and encouraged guests to engage more broadly with those around them. The goal wasn’t distance for its own sake, but balance, ensuring that no one felt excluded while others quietly paired off.

A familiar illustration of this appears in the 2005 adaptation of Pride & Prejudice, when Lady Catherine abruptly insists that Mr. Collins move seats rather than sit beside Charlotte. The moment is meant to feel overbearing, and it is, but it also reflects a real social expectation of the time. Husbands and wives, or engaged couples, were often seated apart so that conversation remained communal rather than private, and so that the table functioned as a true social circle rather than a collection of pairs.

In Jane Austen’s world, dinner was not meant to be a series of private conversations happening in parallel.

While Lady Catherine’s delivery leaves much to be desired, the underlying idea is worth reconsidering. When done with warmth and intention, mixing up the table can still be one of the most effective hosting tools we have. It encourages new connections, draws quieter guests into conversation, and often leads to the most interesting exchanges of the evening.

That said, modern etiquette allows for nuance. New couples, long-distance reunions, or guests who don’t know anyone else at the table may feel more at ease sitting together. Seating should never feel punitive or awkward. The aim is not rigidity, but rhythm.

As Austen understood, good hosting requires discernment and attention to the room. When the table is thoughtfully arranged, conversation flows more freely, guests feel included, and the evening feels intentional rather than accidental.

Where Austen’s Etiquette Needs Updating

Jane Austen recognized that in her world, women were often praised for being agreeable above all else. Endurance was mistaken for virtue, and bad behavior was quietly absorbed rather than addressed.

Her dry observation in Mansfield Park makes the point clearly:

“Selfishness must always be forgiven, you know, because there is no hope of a cure.”

Austen highlighted this mindset in order to expose it, and it is one area where modern etiquette has rightly evolved. Being well-mannered should never mean tolerating selfishness or sacrificing your self-respect. True courtesy supports dignity, boundaries, and mutual consideration.

Why Austen Endures

Across all her novels, Austen returns to a single truth: manners are not about impressing others. They are about making social life gentler, fairer, and more navigable for everyone involved.

Two hundred and fifty years later, her question still resonates: How do we live among others with dignity? The answer remains the same: not stricter rules, but better judgment.

And that, perhaps, is Jane Austen’s most enduring lesson of all.

If you have a question for a future Ask Alison segment, kindly email info@elevateetiquette.com.

Alison M. Cheperdak, J.D., is the founder of Elevate Etiquette, a consultancy where she teaches modern manners in a gracious and grounded way. She is the author of a forthcoming book, “Was It Something I Said? Everyday Etiquette to Avoid Awkward Moments in Relationships, Work, and Life.”