Women Deserve Better Gossip

Welcome to Taking Liberties, a weekly column that cuts through the cultural insanity to help you feel unapologetically yourself. Car accidents ensued. Children were mistakenly left at soccer practice. Chinese spy balloons collided in the sky. At least that’s what I imagined happened this week when The Toast revealed their surprise episode with Dave Portnoy breaking his silence on the Call Her Daddy drama. If you didn’t stop and drop everything to watch it, get out the tequila shot and the lie detector. I don’t believe you. Regardless, this is the conversation that keeps on going (or giving, depending on how you look at it). It’s conjured American women’s bodies and has become their whole personality. I even found myself in voice-memo exchanges with friends giving play-by-plays and deep dives like we were responsible for sending Elon’s next ship to space. It’s conjured American women’s bodies and has become their whole personality. Let’s be honest, if the podcast falling-out was between a male duo, dudes would reflect by themselves for all of 0.5 seconds, get something out of the fridge, and move on with their day. There’s a reason the Real Husbands of Hollywood ended after five seasons while The Real Housewives is going strong at 20. Gossip Boy just doesn’t have the same ring to it. Women gossip. Always have, always will. It’s an age-old female bonding ritual, one that predates even the faintest twinkle of a Reddit thread. Religious texts like the Book of Proverbs reference the appetite for whispering and hearing secrets. Ancient Mesopotamia and Egypt produced clay tablets and hieroglyphics documenting scandals and gossip about royals and political figures. In the Middle Ages, “godsibb” shifted to “gossip” and referred to tight-knit female groups who gathered during childbirth and shared community news. There’s nothing inherently wrong or negative about these conversations and stories, and historically they’ve largely provided value, connection, information, and tools for survival. Until, of course, we turn it sour and use it to ruin people’s lives. Like most women, I enjoy a healthy dose of gossip. I find it fascinating to watch other people’s dynamics play out and equally fun to bore my fiancé to tears with every last detail. I can happily turn my brain off for Off Campus or the occasional Selling Sunset episode because it’s in my DNA. But that’s a completely different thing than the destructive vitriol that’s emerged and taken over our feeds. When exactly did women decide we had to insult, attack, or destroy someone to be effective? Just look at the Jensen Huang scandal . When the Nvidia CEO admitted to cheating on his wife of over 40 years, the internet blamed and attacked her . And when I say the internet, I mean other women. Apparently, she’d failed to be hot enough for him to keep his vows. The problem is that our modern culture is torn between two worlds. On the one hand, we’re in the “women supporting women” era , which makes honest feedback feel like some girl-code betrayal, causing people to be even more fake-nice in public. On the other hand, women are getting unnecessarily meaner hiding behind screens or in the name of “authenticity,” and when the gloves come off, suddenly everything—and I mean everything—is fair game. So which is it? Take the Call Her Daddy discourse. When unflattering news first emerged about Alex Cooper and her Unwell business a few months ago, it was widely considered sacrilegious to call out any of it in the name of “supporting women.” Even now, some label engaging in the conversation at all as pitting women against each other. That’s not true. We should be able to criticize other women. That doesn’t mean piling on in a character assassination. We’re allowed to vehemently disagree with women, and we should. We’ve seen what happens when chronic “female empowerment” turns toxic, as in the case of Lindsay Clancy . In no sane world should solidarity with women require us to make a martyr out of a mother who killed her children. Criticizing other women, holding them accountable, fighting for your values, and asking questions doesn’t make you less of a woman. When we’re rooted in our identity and beliefs, we can handle it. Both ways. But on the other side of that coin is something far uglier: women becoming publicly vicious and more aggressive. After Katie Zacharia’s first press briefing , Joy Taylor, a former Fox Sports host, went on a diatribe calling her a “stupid ass” who “cemented [herself] in history as a dumb bitch” and telling her “you will be a dumb bitch meme forever.” In case it wasn’t clear enough, she captioned the video: “Dumb bitch.” Enlightening. Another example that struck me was during the 2019 Democratic presidential primary debate when commentator Tomi Lahren tweeted : “Kamala did you fight for ideals or did you sleep your way to the top with Willie Brown?” She later issued an apology . It’s one thing to challenge someone’s stances, or even to joke about how Kamala’s word salads™ put your brain in a blender. But to attack their core female identity or womanhood is just counterproductive. If we really want to tackle the double standard, maybe we start there. I’ve yet to hear one dude accuse another of sleeping their way to the top. When exactly did women decide we had to insult, attack, or destroy someone to be effective? The reality is gossip isn’t going anywhere. If we’re going to do it, which we are, how do we make it something worthwhile that’s actually helpful and productive in our lives? There’s something good and foundational to society about women’s natural ability and desire to tell stories and share information. It builds trust and community. If you take out the insult, is there still a point? We should have the conversation about Alex Cooper, Sofia Franklyn , and how you treat friends and business partners. That doesn’t mean being petty, judgmental, or calling them idiot sluts. We should have the conversation about the mentally ill, a murderous mother, and the pharmaceutical system. That doesn’t mean having to, by default, erect a shrine in their honor. We should absolutely push up against women in power who support policy we don’t agree with. Unless you just want to continue the whole name-calling thing. How’s that working out? At the risk of sounding like a Girl Scout, there’s something to be said for the Golden Rule. For all you know, somebody else’s group chat has your name in it as we speak. By all means, send the voice memo. Give the play-by-plays, the questionable decisions, and thoughts on who made them and how you’d handle them differently. If all you’ve got is “she’s a bitch,” spare us. The test is simple. If you take out the insult, is there still a point? If there is, I’m all ears.