How long should you wait to have sex? Three dates, six months, or until after marriage?
Time and time again, women are told that having sex with a man too early can make him leave. It's where things like the "3 Date Rule" stem from. Apparently, if you don't have sex until the third date, he’s more likely to stick around because he's had to invest (a tiny bit of) time and effort into you — but that's not necessarily the case.
Men are pretty clued up when it comes to dating "rules" (who made up these rules anyway?), which can be like a game to them. They know the rules and how to be on their best behavior if it means they'll get sex at the end of their frivolous chase. Sometimes this can take a man one to three dates. Other times it can take him one to six months, depending on how long a woman makes him wait and how determined he is.
Men know the “rules” and how to be on their best behavior if it means they'll get sex.
So, will a man leave as soon as he gets what he wants? If sex is all he’s after, then yes. But sex isn't always the dealbreaker, and it’s never “the relationship.” Sometimes a man can have sex with a woman but never intends to commit to her. In other words, he’s only interested in having her as his side chick, or they become friends with benefits.
In his mind, it's just a sexual relationship, and, most often in these cases, waiting longer won’t change him. The risk here is the woman can end up wanting more than was ever available. She wastes precious time pining over a guy who never truly wanted to be with her in the first place.
How Long Should You Wait To Have Sex?
Everyone has different standards and views sex differently. The most important thing to keep in mind are your values, what makes you feel comfortable, and become aware of how differently men and women view sex and commitment.
How will you know if he’s only after sex? The truth is you will never know until he's proven that he’s trustworthy and that he actually wants to be in a committed relationship with you. And this can take time.
Whether your standards are waiting until date #3, waiting until you've dated for X amount of time, or even waiting until after getting engaged or married — it's always safer to have sex with a guy once he's earned your trust and his intentions for you are clear.
It's always safer to have sex with a guy once he's earned your trust and his intentions are clear.
When looking for a long-term partner, most guys respect women more if there’s a build-up of trust and a genuine connection before having sex. Sure, some couples have sex on the first night and go onto have a long and loving relationship, but these tend to be the exceptions.
Sex on the first date is generally associated with hookup culture where both partners understand the expectations. Therefore, if you have sex on the first date or too early, you may subconsciously communicate that you're only out for a hookup. He may get the wrong impression of you and the meaningfulness of your connection.
The Confusing Chemicals of Hooking Up
When a woman becomes intimate with a new man (or even her long-time husband), she releases a chemical called oxytocin, often referred to as the “love drug.” This chemical is biologically designed to help you form an intimate connection and pair-bond with your partner. However, the problem is that it can trick you into thinking you have a stronger bond than your short time together might have allowed. Men don't get quite the same rush and can more easily contextualize the relationship for what it is.
Men need to release vasopressin over time before they get the “in love” feeling.
Men release a bonding chemical called vasopressin, but they need to feel this chemical on multiple occasions, over some time, before they get the "I’m in love" feeling.
Aim for Authentic Connection before Sex
Instead of worrying about how long you should wait to have sex, try to make a genuine, authentic connection. Get to know each other on a mental plane before joining on the physical one. This might mean you withhold sex as it can blur your true feelings for one another.
Part of taking your time is also about protecting yourself from potential heartache from men who will love you and leave you, or see you simply as a conquest. Be clear about your intentions, and don't be afraid to let him know you're looking for something serious, but that good things can come to those who wait.
Get to know each other on a mental plane before joining on the physical one.
Everyone is different, and the amount of time you choose to wait will be dependent on your needs and values. Can having sex with a guy too soon change the way a man sees you? Sure, but in most cases, it's about finding a real connection before indulging in your carnal desires. You will know what is right for you, and if he's the one, he will understand and respect your wishes.
So to answer the question of Can having sex too soon make a man leave? the short answer is maybe. Being aware of the signals that doing so sends out can help you make better decisions. As with all parts of a relationship, communication is critical. If you're after something serious, don't be afraid to talk to him about it before getting intimate.
You won't scare the good ones away. It's likely that when you're honest about your true feelings, you'll feel secure and comfortable with him, and he will understand this. Not only will this set you up for a stronger relationship, but it will make that initial connection much deeper for both of you.
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