Why You Should Have The Sex Talk With Your Younger Brother

My parents did approach me with “the talk” at a certain age, but by that point, movies, TV, YouTube, books, and my own friends’ experiences had already pretty much informed me of everything I needed to know. How sad is that?

As women we know how impressionable we are at young ages when it comes to sex. So just imagine what it’s like for guys, with floods of testosterone and teen angst. Our culture has decided that parents, if they decide to educate their kids at all, have it completely wrong when it comes to gender and sex. If we have siblings, they’re imitating us and picking up on our behavior, whether we think so or not. If you have younger brothers or male siblings at all, although it could be awkward, you do need to talk about sex with them for a number of reasons. 

What We Get Wrong about Sex Education

Educating adolescents (of an appropriate age, of course) has apparently become so cumbersome and laborious a task that we’ve outsourced it to others, first to public school curriculum and now to social media.

Sex education is important, especially if you want your children raised according to your values and you want them to make smart, healthy decisions, as parents do. But we fail our kids year after year, generation after generation, by not being honest with them and avoiding the topic because discussing sex is awkward or because they’ll learn about it “on their own,” as their parents did back in the day.

This is a recipe for disaster, and we’re seeing the consequences of this attitude in real time. Teenagers have little to no idea how to conceptualize themselves as individuals when they’re mired in the awkwardness of their teen years, so how can they be expected to relate to others when they barely understand themselves? While all of this is going on, our culture gives them a free pass to experiment with sex, influenced in large part by their peers and by a severely warped gender ideology. When they emerge as adults, ready to have romantic relationships and, yes, healthy sex, they’re still influenced by these misconceptions, but thrown into an adult dating world they’re not prepared for.

Your guidance is the necessary foil to the terrible advice they’re likely getting from their friends and social media.

If you have brothers, specifically younger brothers, there has never been a more crucial time for them to have a decent understanding not just of the basics of sex, but its larger emotional consequences. To be clear, we’re not talking about approaching young kids and discussing adult topics with them. But if your brothers are late pre-teens, teenagers, or even college students, they’re definitely hearing about sex from pretty much everyone around them, and your counsel and guidance can act as the necessary foil to the terrible advice they’re likely getting from their friends and social media feeds.

Discuss the Good and the Bad

Terms like consent have gotten lost in the snares of a so-called “rape culture” and have become convoluted by the ulterior motives of a post-Me Too era. However, consent as a fundamental concept is important, and young men need to know that healthy intimacy can only operate on this basis of understanding. 

The most successful foundation for mutual consent to sex, influenced by the deeper intimacy of love and respect, can only be found in committed monogamous relationships. This is why casual sexual relationships are a breeding ground for regrettable and adverse conclusions. Where there’s no respect, sensitivity, or empathy for the other individual as a person outside the sexual relationship, there’s no true connection, and both people can become entangled in misunderstanding and the emotional pain of “catching feelings” or numbing their larger issues with supposedly “no-strings-attached” encounters.

Sex is beautiful and it’s a gift to relationships, but it’s often twisted into a perverse, superficial gimmick by the underlying machinations of our culture. All sex has consequences, be they physical or emotional and whether we acknowledge them or not. And young men in particular are especially susceptible to the trap of pornography, which sells supposedly idealized versions of sex and women specifically that are actually warping healthy perceptions of sex, masculinity, femininity, relationships, and intimacy. 

It needs to be emphasized to young men that sex is the physical mainstay in a solid, dedicated relationship, but it can quickly and efficiently be sold to young adults as everything that it is not: meaningless, insignificant, commitment-free, cheap, violent, commodified, etc.

Sex is also powerful, which is why it has such a grip on our society, and the novelty of it can also capture the attention and energy of young people especially, who are inexperienced and unprepared for the weight of its impact. Because of this, it’s absolutely paramount that young men in particular exercise caution regarding where they focus their attention, whom they pursue and end up sleeping with, and how they treat those women, who themselves probably have no comprehension of how it will affect them if done in a not ideal environment.

If You Don’t, Someone Else Will

Put aside the momentary awkwardness and take it upon yourself to advise your male siblings. As we know now, if we neglect to educate our young people, others will, and they will do so in a completely incorrect and thoroughly toxic way.

One 15-year-old male writes, “I felt the most comfortable talking to my siblings about sex because they were always open and gave me reliable advice.” Our siblings are thinking about it and talking about it, so why not discuss it openly with the people who have their best interests at heart?

All sex has consequences.

A teenager might be curious about contraception, for example, and what each option is and how it functions, but feel like they can’t go to their parents. They might even want to know how pregnancy occurs and what fertility looks like for both men and women as they age. If they go to their similarly-aged friends, they might get incorrect or biased info. Letting your brothers know they can come to you, not just about sex but about dating in general, especially from a woman’s perspective, is an invaluable piece of trust you can give them. No teenager, especially a guy, wants to talk to their parents about sex. But they’re going to talk to someone.

When you open the door to honesty and openness with your male siblings, you can have really important and successful conversations with them as well as build trust. You can illustrate what genuine respect for women looks like, and even the warning signs of toxic or narcissistic behavior. You can describe healthy masculinity, how to put it into action, and why it’s so important. You can model healthy romantic relationships for them with your own boyfriend or husband. You can describe what behaviors to emphasize, like compassion and empathy, and what to avoid, like manipulation and insincerity. Not only are you helping your brothers gain a better understanding of what a healthy relationship looks like, but you’re doing their future girlfriend or wife a big favor as well.

Closing Thoughts

Sex education is a big umbrella that has come to refer to everything from unplanned pregnancy to sexual orientation to female biological functions. You don’t need to encourage your brother to go out and experiment with anyone and everyone, but you can do him a service by describing the pitfalls of modern dating and the benefits of smart sex and monogamy, as well as give him a women’s perspective on how to be a kind, empathetic man. 

Many women nowadays are lamenting not being able to find this type of guy, but if you have a brother, you unknowingly influence how he treats women, including the girls he dates and marries. Young men are so exploited by today’s twisted narratives on dating, sex, and masculinity, and you have the capability to shape the man he’ll become one day. Don’t take your role as a sister lightly, but take advantage of this opportunity. Another woman will someday thank you for it.

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