Of course, dating should be fun, but sacrificing potential for fun is where things go awry. But there’s a pretty simple formula to help you figure out who you could have a future with.
Women have the power to choose who we date and why. We’re all looking for a lasting and meaningful connection, and even though the first initial excitement of chemistry with someone is intoxicating, pursuing that feeling forever is unsustainable. Instead, we need to be picky about what we want for our future and how the man we marry fits into that vision. And even though who we end up with can be different from what we first imagined, there are still certain requirements that shouldn't be circumvented.
Here's the thing. There are two things that are integral to love: Chemistry and Compatibility. Together, they make for a long and healthy relationship. Seems obvious, right? But let me explain.
You’ve Probably Dated Your “Chemistry” Guy
Early on in your dating life, you probably found your Chemistry guy. He's the guy who you loved spending time with, couldn't get out of your head, and thought to yourself, "He just gets me." You could talk for hours, and you were incredibly physically attracted to each other. You were in love with this guy, no doubt about it.
But the big questions? You just didn't agree. Maybe it was religion, maybe you wanted children and he didn't, or maybe he was on the other side of the political aisle. But whatever it was, you told yourself that those things just didn't matter because your Chemistry guy was perfect for you. He was your soulmate.
But in the end, it didn't work out because the big questions were too integral to your future.
And that was true, for a while. But then the arguments that you tried to avoid became too important. And in a way, that made your relationship feel even more special. The drama was, in a way, exciting and made you feel like you really had to fight for your love. The anxiety made your relationship feel fiery and passionate. But in the end, it didn't work out because the big questions were too integral to your future. And the breakup was almost too painful to bear.
…And You May Have Dated Your “Compatibility” Guy Too
You may have met your Compatibility guy, too. He’s the guy who made total sense on paper and checked off all of your boxes. You could introduce him to your friends and your parents, and they would think you were perfect together. You thought to yourself, “We should be soulmates.” The two of you just fit together.
He’s the guy who made total sense on paper and checked off all of your boxes. Your future would be perfect...if you actually liked spending time with him.
Your future would be perfect...if you actually liked spending time with him. But there was something off about your relationship. You didn’t really get along. You didn’t have fun with him or look forward to seeing him when you had planned a date. It just didn't feel right. It may even have felt boring.
When you broke up with him, you didn’t feel your heart break. But you did question your decision over and over, asking, “Was I wrong? We made sense. But I just couldn’t make it work. Why?”
You Need both Chemistry and Compatibility for a Long, Healthy Relationship
In both cases, you were missing one vital ingredient.
When you meet the right guy, you have both. There will be both chemistry and compatibility. You can talk through the night, and you can talk about your future. But you don't have to be afraid of losing him, so there's a feeling of security that's calmer and more peaceful. And that's worth looking for.
When you meet the right person, there is a sense of calm.
When you meet the right person, there is a sense of calm. Women often confuse passion with anxiety – that feeling in the pit of your stomach that you can’t bear to lose someone is only there because you’re afraid that you will breakup. Real passion, and passion that will last, is a slow burn – and it’s so much more satisfying because you know that your relationship will go the distance.
My husband and I are celebrating our two year anniversary this week, and both of us knew one week after we met that we had found the one. We talked about the big questions early on, agreed on what we wanted for our future, and enjoyed each other's company endlessly. So keep looking for love in the right places and always remember: Chemistry and Compatibility!
Abby Roth is the creator of Classically Abby, a commentary, opera, beauty, and lifestyle brand dedicated to looking at the world from a classic perspective. Abby is an opera singer with three degrees in operatic performance from USC and Manhattan School of Music. You can find her website at www.classicallyabby.com and follow her on YouTube, Instagram, Twitter, and Pinterest at @ClassicallyAbby.