What I Wish I Knew Before Sending My Daughter to Public School

Before I became a mom, I knew that there would be a thousand things to worry about. Motherhood has a way of bringing you completely out of yourself, opening your eyes to things you never even imagined. I often worried about the health of my children. I worried about whether they would make friends at school and whether they’d be kind to each other. Or if they would have the same bond that I have with my siblings. What I had never imagined worrying about was whether my child’s school would hide important information about my child from me. My daughter was six when she was placed in a situation where she was expected to share the girls’ bathroom with a male student who identified as a girl. The child’s behavior in the restroom and inside the classroom was making her and several other children uncomfortable. So, for months, my husband and I tried to come to an understanding with Santa Fe Public Schools. We repeatedly stood up for our daughter, attempting to explain her discomfort while also attempting a juggling act of respect for the other child—who, to no fault of his own, was obviously struggling. My hope is that other moms can learn from my experience without ever having to go through what my family did. The solutions offered for my six-year-old daughter? She could use another bathroom, leave her classroom, or leave the school. My husband and I are both lifelong Santa Fe residents who pay Santa Fe taxes. We are raising our kids here, surrounded by our large extended family. Public school was the norm for all of us growing up, so my husband and I didn’t think twice about sending our kids there. Living in New Mexico has had its ups and downs like anywhere else. But over the last decade, its policies have quietly turned from liberal to nonsensical. In fact, when this first happened, I didn’t view the school as an adversary, but as a partner. I thought that the situation would be a quick fix. But that expectation came crashing down when my own daughter was caught in the middle. As a mother, when someone who has the duty to protect your daughter tells you that she is the problem—when she was the one who felt uncomfortable—and that a six-year-old needs “counseling” because of how “unaccepting” she is—the mama bear comes out. Underneath the frustration, I began to realize how many assumptions I had made about our public school system in New Mexico that were not true. This experience challenged those assumptions, but it also changed me as a mother. My hope is that other moms can learn from my experience without ever having to go through what my family did. Trust is earned As a mom, I can’t tell you how many times that I've been told to trust my instincts. We research the perfect car seat. We look at the back of snack containers to make sure the ingredients are acceptable. We agonize over our child care and sleeping schedules. But then, when our children turn five or six and head off to school for the first time, we’re suddenly supposed to stop asking questions and blindly trust the district to do what’s best for them? Most parents don’t believe that is good parenting, and I don’t either. That doesn’t mean assuming every teacher is out to undermine you and your family’s values. I know and love so many teachers in our community who care for our children and would never intentionally do something to keep vital information away from their guardians . Trust between parents and schools shouldn’t be automatic. But teachers also have to navigate school system policies that they didn’t necessarily create. Which is why moms and dads must know what those policies actually say. When a school promises to create a “safe space,” we need to start asking what that means in practice. Is information ever withheld from parents about any subject, for any reason? What are the policies for bathrooms and locker rooms ? What happens if a child asks to be called by another name or pronoun? What is taught about sex and gender, and when? Can parents easily obtain and review the curriculum that is being taught? Trust between parents and schools shouldn’t be automatic. Schools have a responsibility to earn and maintain that trust. Schools should be actively working with and aligning their interests with the broader interests of all families. Trust is not blindly given; it is earned. And parents should not willingly give their trust just because it has been the status quo. Asking questions isn't being difficult I went to the school offices to review the curriculum that was being taught to my children. Not surprisingly, I was not thrilled with what I saw. As I was being essentially monitored by four different staff members, I silently thought to myself that this had to be a scare tactic. We do know that the Biden administration targeted parents who were standing up in their school districts, so here in Santa Fe, I wasn’t exactly surprised. I genuinely wanted to understand what my children were encountering and whether the information given to parents about opting out accurately reflected what was being enforced. When I questioned whether it did, I was told that perhaps public school wasn’t for me. As a parent, it’s comments like that can make you second-guess yourself—maybe I was being difficult or too much. Maybe it would be easier to deal with the repercussions at home and not continue down this road. And yes, sometimes it would be easier. But motherhood has a peculiar way of rearranging your priorities. I eventually realized I was more afraid of staying quiet when not only my daughter, but so many other little girls, needed someone to speak up for them. You don’t need to walk into every conversation guns blazing. But you should keep asking the questions, even in the face of adversity. Protecting your family doesn’t require hating anyone else’s One of the saddest parts about my experience with my daughter is that people have naturally assumed I’m a “hateful” person, or that I don’t care about the family or other child involved. But it’s the furthest thing from the truth. Throughout this process, I repeatedly asked for solutions that respected both my child and the other child involved. And that is where there seemed to be a repeated disconnect. I have never publicly identified the child or the child’s family, even after receiving criticism and hateful messages directed at my own family. This was never about humiliation or public crucifixion. I do not believe that we need to choose one over the other. We can show respect and compassion, without compromising our own beliefs or our children’s boundaries. We can show respect and compassion, without compromising our own beliefs or our children’s boundaries. We should be capable of telling one child that they deserve kindness and dignity, without telling the other one that their discomfort doesn’t matter. Compassion and courage can coexist. My message is that trust should be built through transparency, not demanded through compliance. I love my hometown. I love being a New Mexican. I value the family-oriented culture I grew up around—the belief that raising children isn’t an inconvenience or something parents outsource, but a responsibility families and communities share. I don’t want fewer families to believe in our public schools. I want public schools worthy of families’ trust. I want teachers to teach without being placed between a rock and a hard place. I want struggling children to receive compassion. I want little girls to know their boundaries matter. And I want moms to know that asking questions about their children’s education doesn’t make them hateful, intolerant, or extreme.