We Need To Stop Shaming Boys

One minute shame is the stern teacher keeping society’s moral compass in check, the next it’s a playground bully, pushing entire groups into submission. It’s an emotion as old as humanity itself, wired into our social DNA to nudge us toward decency. But like any tool, shame’s value depends on how it’s wielded. Used judiciously, it’s a guardrail for civilized behavior; swung carelessly, it’s a wrecking ball, leaving resentment and division in its wake. So, it's time to ask: is shame serving society, or has it become a blunt instrument for cultural vendettas?

Shame is only as good as its aim. When it’s overblown or misdirected, it smashes self-esteem and sows discord. And let’s be real—society has a long history of swinging that wrecking ball, especially at certain groups. Women, for instance, have borne the brunt of shame’s wrath. Historically, women and girls have been targeted by shame, particularly regarding their roles and physical appearances. Women have faced societal pressure to conform to ideals, whether as homemakers or as embodiments of idealized beauty standards. Shaming women for choosing to work or stay at home or for their body types contributes to widespread issues like lack of representation, eating disorders, low self-esteem and objectification. In response, society has made strides toward reducing widespread women-shaming. The body positivity movement at its best, for example, aimed to challenge unrealistic beauty standards, advocating for self-acceptance and diversity. Cultural shifts have made it less acceptable to shame women for their career or lifestyle choices, recognizing that it limits personal freedom.

Is shame serving society, or has it become a blunt instrument for cultural vendettas?

Yet, while we’ve been busy liberating women from the shackles of shame, we’ve somehow decided it’s open season on men. Men have increasingly been cast as the root of all evil, the scapegoats for every societal ill from inequality to bad dates to even climate change. Phrases like “men are the problem,” “men are predators” and “the future is female” have gained traction, painting an entire gender as inherently flawed, dangerous and oppressive. Social media only amplifies this, with a daily deluge of videos and posts that portray men as the problem, predatory, or just plain obsolete. Mainstream media piles on, with think pieces asking, “What’s wrong with men?” as if they’re a defective product line in need of a recall.

Men are being blamed and shamed for everything.

The constant messaging that men are responsible for all societal woes, without acknowledging the complexities of individual experiences or historical injustices faced by men, creates a culture of generalized blame. It’s not just unfair—it’s harmful. What do you think this does to impressionable boys and young men?

The constant messaging that men are the enemy pushes a sense of guilt and shame for simply being male. This societal narrative can leave boys and men feeling alienated, as though their identity is inherently problematic.

The psychological toll of this shame on men is significant and often overlooked. Prolonged exposure to shame can lead to feelings of worthlessness, anxiety, and even physical health issues, as the emotional burden eats away at a person’s energy and well-being. For men, this constant shaming can manifest in dangerous ways. We have a men’s mental health and loneliness crisis, and statistics show that men are four times more likely to die by suicide and over twice as likely to succumb to drug overdoses. The psychological weight of societal blame may exacerbate mental health struggles among men, not “make men better.” By framing men as the problem, society risks pushing them further into despair, rather than encouraging positive change.

While we’ve been busy liberating women from the shackles of shame, we’ve somehow decided it’s open season on men.

I once spoke with a young man who shared a story that stuck with me. As a teenager, he felt so ashamed of his masculinity that he questioned his gender identity for years, initially believing he might be transgender. He later realized his desire to transition stemmed not from genuine gender dysphoria but from a deep-seated shame about being a man. Society’s portrayal of men as “heartless,” “predatory,” or “bumbling idiots” in media and pop culture led him to reject his identity, feeling it was incompatible with being a good person. His story raises an interesting question: how many young males questioning their gender are reacting to the overwhelming shame pushed on them for being male? By framing masculinity as inherently toxic, society may inadvertently push vulnerable individuals toward extreme solutions to escape their perceived flaws—only to shame them for that, too.

Blanket generalizations about men as a group do more harm than good. Terms like “toxic masculinity” are often used, applying a broad brush to behaviors that are not exclusive to men and ignoring the pressures men face in society today. 

Circling back, the body positivity movement has made some positive strides in challenging societal norms, particularly by advocating against body-shaming women for their weight or appearance. However, this compassion often fails to extend to men. Mocking men for their height or other unchangeable physical traits remains socially acceptable, even humorous, revealing an obvious double standard. While weight can be changed, height cannot, yet society frequently overlooks this disparity, mocking and shaming men for simply being born shorter. This hypocrisy undermines the movement’s principles and demands serious reflection and change.

The consequences of unchecked shame extend beyond individual mental health to societal stability. Men who feel ostracized or vilified may disengage from society, contributing to phenomena like social isolation or the rise of extremist ideologies that prey on feelings of disenfranchisement. There has been an increase in misogyny recently which I believe is fueled by the societal blaming and shaming of men. Some men are reacting to the unfair treatment and it’s coming back around to bite women and society at large.

By framing men as the problem, society risks pushing them further into despair, rather than encouraging positive change.

Shaming men for issues they didn’t personally cause breeds resentment, not collaboration. Instead of blaming entire identity groups, we should target specific behaviors and systems that perpetuate harm, regardless of who’s behind them. Framing men as ‘the problem’ fuels the gender war, turning men and women into rivals rather than teammates.

My conversations with young men reveal a common theme: they crave environments where they can express themselves without fear of being shamed for being men. When given the opportunity to share their struggles, many express relief at being seen as individuals rather than as representatives of a flawed group. 

Creating more spaces where men feel heard and valued, without judgment or blame, can lead to healthier outcomes. 

To move forward, we must balance shame’s role as a tool for accountability with its potential to divide. Shame should target specific actions that violate ethical standards, not entire identities based on gender, race, or anything else. Broad-brushing whole groups isn’t just ineffective—it’s discrimination, plain and simple.

Encouraging individuals, regardless of gender, to become the best versions of themselves requires a culture of compassion, not condemnation. This means celebrating the progress made in reducing shame for women while extending the same compassion to men. It also means acknowledging that men, like women, have faced historical and contemporary injustices, from workplace expectations to societal pressures to suppressing themselves to expectations of sacrifice. Recognizing these complexities allows for a more inclusive dialogue about how to build a better future for everyone.

Ultimately, the goal should be a society where shame serves as a constructive guide rather than a destructive force. By moving away from blanket blame and shame and embracing a more nuanced approach, we can create a culture that encourages personal growth and mutual respect. This requires challenging stereotypes, questioning harmful narratives, and recognizing the negative impact of societal shame on all individuals of both sexes.

As we work toward a more fair and inclusive world, we must make sure that no group is left drowning in shame for who they are. Instead, let’s strive for a civilization that values accountability, compassion, and everyone’s unique journey.