We Are Not Victims Of Motherhood

I'm a stay-at-home mother to four (soon to be five) beautiful little humans. I experience firsthand day in and day out the absolute treasure that children are. My children are a joy to my soul, and the fact that I get to spend my days raising and loving them is a blessing far greater than my soul can often bear.

Yet it takes very little to see that this is not the prevailing view of children that society holds. Viewing children as a gift to be treasured, valued, and sanctified by has become atypical. And as a mother who adores her children and wouldn’t trade homemaking for the world, it has become isolating to understand motherhood for the blessing that it is.

It is no secret that our society today lives for self: self-gratification, self-exaltation, self-serving ambitions. Comfort has become an apex virtue, and anything that requires selflessness, discomfort, or inconvenience to our self-serving pursuits is viewed as a vice to avoid. What do children require of us? Selflessness, discomfort, and a daily dying to ourselves for the sake of their well-being. Modern society equates selfless living to joylessness, but it is the opposite that is true. It is in giving ourselves away that we experience the most joy and love and fulfillment in life.

Comfort has become an apex virtue, and anything that requires selflessness, discomfort, or inconvenience to our self-serving pursuits is viewed as a vice to avoid.

My children often accompany me on my outings and errands, and I wish I could say that the rumored remarks that are often quoted of strangers toward mothers weren’t true, but I can testify that there is apparently zero shame in degrading children right in front of them: “I could never be home with my children all day.” “Don’t you need a break?” “You guys are done now, right?” Adults express their skewed view of children and motherhood more often than one would believe, grievously right in front of the very image-bearers of God whom they are insulting, only to expose their own childish immaturity that they have yet to grow out of.

“No, I don’t need a break. I like my children. I am grateful I get to be around them all day,” I say back to these adult-children as I smile reassuringly to my actual children who are looking longingly in my eyes for my response.

The reality that children have come to be viewed as a burden is a tragedy. C.S. Lewis is credited with saying, “Children are not a distraction from more important work; they are the most important work.” For ages this common-sense concept was understood. Men and women got married with the goal of having children and living to invest in the upbringing of those children. The well-being of society of upcoming generations was of ever-present importance in their minds, and the bearing and raising of children was a primary avenue of investing in the future. This mindset is nearly absent now. We are a society that merely lives for the moment. Pouring into a child, teaching that child to grow in love and virtue and truth, is a concept that few have the ability to see the value of. And our society is crashing because of it.

As I mentioned, I'm pregnant with my fifth child. This is only my fifth child because I did not start having children until my thirties. I did not start having children until my thirties because it had been hidden from me my whole life what a true treasure children are. From kindergarten through college, the purpose of life spoken to me was careerism, and perhaps a family if that was something I found would suit my self-serving preferences. And I have no doubt this is what 100 percent of public school students are taught: Graduate high school, go to college, obtain a career, only get married and have children if you think that might make you happy, and ultimately make every decision based on that premise—whether or not it will make you happy.

The irony, of course, is the majority of self-serving pursuits do not make us happy, because we were not designed to live for self but to live for another. We were created to glorify God and be others-oriented, and this flies in contrast to every word of advice that society today teaches us. It's no wonder that when we become mothers, we're hit with self-loathing rather than seeing this opportunity of selflessness for the remarkable honor that it is.

If we’re not avoiding children altogether, we’re speaking as though the ones we have are ruining our lives.

Just a few weeks ago, my 6-year-old daughter asked if we could watch A Cinderella Story together. Within the first five minutes of this ever-popular tween/children’s movie, a little girl asks her father minutes before he dies what his dreams are for her, and his answer is, “My dream is for you to go to college, sweetheart.” That’s it. No mention of finding a wonderful husband who will cherish her, nor of her becoming a mother and experiencing the greatest joy possible this side of heaven that comes with that. His highest aspiration for his little girl was for her to go to college, and this is what millions of little girls are being taught—just like I was—from their youth up: that their purpose and highest fulfillment is found in college and careerism.

Confused, my 6-year-old daughter looked up at me with a bewildered expression on her face, waiting for me to explain this father’s disappointing answer to his daughter. I told her this character was confused and did not have the right frame of mind regarding our highest good in life, and we did not continue the movie. Some might call this extreme, but I'm not raising my children to believe their value lies in a college degree.

It's tragic to see little girls being groomed from the start to believe that their primary purpose in life is to obtain a career, while the most beautiful and fulfilling role of nurturing children is brushed aside as a hindrance. Those who advocate for the beauty and value of children have become public enemy No. 1, being accused of keeping women back from pursuing their liberated and independent aspirations. But I agree with Abigail Austin when she wrote in her Substack, “I’m genuinely concerned about the heaviness of the energy that will come when the next couple of generations don’t have children and then regret it. It’s like watching someone walk straight into a fire, and if we warn them, we’re the bad guy.”

This tragic mindset toward children has become all-consuming in the way mothers speak about their present situation in motherhood, as though they are in fact enduring a tragedy. In her article published in Evie Magazine, Carolina Rosario writes, “Motherhood is almost exclusively portrayed through the lens of exhaustion. It’s all about trauma, burnout, identity loss, sacrifice.” Raising toddlers is now referred to as living in the trenches, as though motherhood is comparable to surviving a war. If we’re not avoiding children altogether, we’re speaking as though the ones we have are ruining our lives.

Now I can assure you, as a stay-at-home, homeschooling mama to four (almost five) whose husband is out of the home 14 hours a day, six days a week, I know firsthand the constant demands of children. I know firsthand the ever-large responsibility of wearing multiple (may I say endless) hats all throughout each day. We mothers are caregivers, nurses, teachers, gardeners, housekeepers, assistants, educators, chefs, therapists, counselors (the list goes on) all in one. And I write this list with great honor. Women have been taught to look down on these roles when they take place in the home simply because it is all unseen and unpaid. But we have lost the virtue of serving without needing recognition or payment. We have lost the virtue of laboring with love without asking, “What’s in it for me?”

We have lost the virtue of serving without needing recognition or payment.

Witnessing our little ones grow and be cared for, feeling the warmth of their pure love through their arms wrapped around us, experiencing the miracle of life growing inside us and watching those miracles grow up into this world with dignity and purpose…this is what’s in it for us.

In our female-empowered society which insists that women can do anything men can do, it's humorous to me how often women depict themselves as incapable when it comes to motherhood—the very thing we are designed for and meant to thrive at. How do we expect to conquer masculine roles when we (apparently) can barely manage our feminine roles? Perhaps it isn’t our capabilities but our priorities which need reorienting.

Caring for an infant catapults us into an intense and sudden relinquishing of self, and if our minds aren’t settled on the matter, an internal battle begins. Society trains us to view ourselves as victims of this battle, but a healthier view of what is taking place is to see that we are being refined and sanctified into more beautiful and selfless human beings. Children aren’t the problem; our mindset is.

We live in a feminist society drowning in self-love, and it's leaving us more depressed, medicated, divorced, childless, lonely, and distressed than ever. It shouldn’t feel isolating to see children as the rich and joyous blessings that they are, but this is often where I find myself amidst a society that is constantly labeling motherhood as oppressive, and where women are constantly buying into it.

Our view of children desperately needs to change. Children are a gift that brings the utmost love and joy into our lives. Is motherhood easy? No, but nothing good in life is easy. And arguably, raising children in the comfort of one’s home is infinitely easier than many truly arduous lives people live. Modernity has made us soft.

And language matters. The way we speak of motherhood greatly impacts how we embrace and manage it. If we keep speaking of motherhood as though we are prisoners of war, we are setting ourselves up for misery as the needs of our children call for us. We are also discouraging other women from having children, if all they hear from us is how demanding and exhausting our children are. But I think it would do us well to read more history. People have found joy in the most horrific circumstances, yet mothers are insistent upon focusing on the minor inconveniences of raising beautiful gifts from God.

Motherhood is not wartime in the trenches. It is the most beautiful avenue of life, where little souls love us like no other, and look to us for all their understanding and growth and nourishment. It is the greatest privilege and honor to raise a child. And I truly believe we are capable of much more than we are giving ourselves credit for. We simply need to reorient our priorities and realize joy comes in giving ourselves away for the well-being of others…not least the precious little souls who call us Mom.

If we keep speaking of motherhood as though we are prisoners of war, we are setting ourselves up for misery as the needs of our children call for us.

I wake up every day and can’t believe I get to spend my days alongside these precious children God has blessed me with. And I think this is the mindset we need to return to. Rather than, “I have to take care of these children,” we should be saying, “I get to take care of these children…I get to love them, care for them, watch them learn and grow…I get to receive their pure childlike love, and there is nothing in the world like this.” Is there some difficulty involved? Sure. But you know what would be truly difficult? Losing one of them. Not being able to care for them. Looking back and wishing I valued them for the invaluable gifts that they are. I’ve heard many older women express that regret, and it's one that I refuse to have. I'm cherishing every single day I have with them now, and the look in their eyes that shows me they know they are wanted and loved and not a burden at all—that they are in fact my first choice—makes it all pretty easy.

We are not victims of motherhood. We are recipients of the greatest, sweetest, most sanctifying blessings we could ever receive. That is a hill I will die on.