The Secret Sisterhood Of Sabotage: Inside The Covert World Of Toxic Femininity

One of the most interesting things about being a woman is how covert we are when it comes to competing. Our competitiveness in the dating market, in particular, often causes women to slyly sabotage another’s looks in the most covert ways. For example, a study published in 2023 found that some women recommended other women receive short haircuts in order to make those women less attractive to men and make themselves the more attractive option.

The film Mean Girls depicts this kind of toxic behavior perfectly. Both the plastics and the social outcast Janice Ian show traits of toxic femininity and female aggression throughout the film. Rather than either side confronting one another face-to-face, both decide to damage the other’s reputation through gossiping, rumors, and other covert tactics. 

Men, on the other hand, tend to deal with conflict directly and may even resort to becoming physically aggressive if they have an issue with another man. 

Why is Female Aggression Often Covert?

The reason female aggression is often hidden is due to both biology and socialization. Part of the reason is that women have lower testosterone, so we are naturally less likely to engage in physical conflict. It’s also due to how we evolved. Women have a greater fear of being harmed, potentially because, as evolutionary theories suggest, women have a higher parental investment and a higher instinct of maternal survival to produce and protect offspring. As a result, indirect aggression became a favored strategy amongst women because it enabled us to compete for resources or mates without jeopardizing our safety or our ability to care for our children.

In terms of socialization, young girls are often discouraged from expressing anger directly and praised for being polite and agreeable. Boys, on the other hand, are expected to lash out. According to psychotherapist Francesca Harland, “an assertive girl is likely to be labelled as ‘bossy’ rather than praised for asserting her needs and having boundaries. As a result, many girls learn to channel frustration, jealousy or hurt through more socially acceptable, indirect routes. This gives rise to relational aggression: harming others not through physical force, but by manipulating social relationships and emotional bonds.” 

How Women Covertly Destroy Others

1. Gossip

Gossip enables people to stay informed about their friends’ and wider circle’s lives and behaviors. Sometimes, it’s positive gossip, like when you inform your friends of another person’s engagement or promotion at work. However, it can be easily used to manipulate a narrative or sabotage a person’s reputation. “This could include a well-timed rumor, a casually dropped ‘concern’ or gossip dressed up as worry. Sabotage allows a woman to harm another’s reputation or relationships without ever confronting her directly. It’s a way of enacting punishment while maintaining plausible deniability,” says Harland.

2. Social Exclusion

With the rise of social media and smart phones, it’s become much easier for people to become isolated from a group. All a woman needs to do is create a group chat without the targeted person in the chat and the isolation begins. Social exclusion could also be conducted by giving someone the silent treatment or hosting events and choosing to exclude someone. This kind of rejection can be particularly upsetting for the person who is left out due to friendship and community being essential for both our physical and mental health.

3. Reputation Management

According to psychotherapist Francesca Harland, reputation management can involve a woman engaging in “a quiet campaign to control how others view them or how others view you. This might include rewriting history, selective storytelling or aligning with influential voices to sway opinions.”

I once witnessed this myself with a friend who had cheated on her ex-boyfriend. She never admitted to her friends or her ex-boyfriend what she did. Instead, she concocted a false story claiming that her ex had tried to ruin her life by sending cruel messages to her mother and spreading lies about her. Rather than admitting what she did, she played the victim, ruined her ex’s reputation and encouraged everyone to cut him out of their lives. The saddest part about it is that most people simply followed her lead and never questioned her, choosing to isolate and exclude her ex who had been in everyone’s lives for nearly 10 years.

4. Playing the Victim

This form of covert aggression manipulates the sympathy of others and can be a powerful way to deflect accountability and recruit allies. A woman may weaponize vulnerability to do this, casting themselves as the wronged party even if they’re the one enacting harm. 

5. Queen Bee Syndrome

Queen bee syndrome is a well-documented workplace phenomenon. The term was first coined in the 1970s in psychological studies done on women in male-dominated spaces. It refers to a pattern where a woman in a position of authority or social power distances herself from other women and may undermine or sabotage them. A Queen Bee, like Regina George in Mean Girls, protects her status by tearing others down and sees other women as rivals rather than allies. “This might involve controlling group dynamics, fostering competition between women or keeping potential rivals on the backfoot through gossip, exclusion or belittling,” continues Harland.

6. Undermining

Have you ever received a compliment from someone but been confused as to whether or not it was actually genuine? They may have been undermining you. A form of aggression disguised as a compliment could be: “You’re brave for wearing that” or “I could never be that confident.” Although these comments seem harmless on the surface, they can chip away at a person’s self-esteem and be used as a tool for subtle dominance.

The Effects of Female Aggression

Covert female aggression can lead to serious emotional harm for the target. As it’s so subtle and under-the-radar, the lack of clarity, deniability and social acceptance around these behaviors can cause victims to internalize blame, leading to anxiety, self-doubt, and shame.

“Naming these behaviours isn’t about vilifying women, it’s about understanding the ways in which societal expectations shape female behavior and what happens when emotional expression is suppressed. Many of these patterns develop in environments where women feel they can’t be direct, assertive or angry without being punished socially or professionally,” says Harland.

Just like most men can think back to a time when they exhibited some form of physical aggression, I’m sure many women have engaged in covert aggression tactics, and it’s likely they weren’t entirely conscious they were doing it. However, through awareness and self-reflection, these habits can be identified more easily and changed. Choosing to be assertive and honest instead of covert and manipulative is one way, but also calling it out when we see others doing it can help us foster healthier relationships.