To The Men Wasting Women’s Best Years

There’s a silent epidemic in modern dating, and it’s not just the endless swiping or the hookup culture we like to blame. It’s the quiet, polite, even Instagram-worthy relationships where everyone assumes the couple is moving toward marriage, until they’re not. Until the girl wakes up five years later with a ringless finger, fading hope, and a man who suddenly decides, “I’m just not ready” or "I don't think it will work out between us” or my personal favorite “I'm not 100% sure.” These are all synonyms for cowardice and selfishness. 

It’s a story you’ve heard before, maybe even lived through yourself. A woman in her twenties gives her best years: her youth, her beauty, her loyalty, and her dreams to a man who enjoys the benefits of her love but has no intention of committing. And when she finally realizes it, she’s left to pick up the pieces, while he waltzes off, older but still oddly eligible.

Let’s call this what it is: selfishness. Because if you don’t intend to marry the woman you’re with, you have no business soaking up her best years.

Why Men Do It

There isn’t just one answer. Men stay in relationships with women they don’t plan to marry for different reasons, and pretending it’s only because they’re “evil” misses the nuances. Still, none of the reasons are truly justifiable.

1. Comfort

It’s easy to stay. She cooks, she’s affectionate, she goes to weddings with him so he doesn’t look like the last single guy at the table. Life feels less lonely. Commitment feels like an optional upgrade, not an obligation.

2. Fear of loneliness

Even if they know she isn’t “the one,” many men prefer staying with someone rather than being alone. She’s a placeholder—an emotional safety net until someone “better” comes along.

3. Selfish timing

A man might know he wants to marry someday, just not yet. So he convinces himself it’s fine to keep her around. He’s thinking about his career, his finances, his freedom. He tells himself, “If she’s still here when I’m ready, great. If not, oh well.” Meanwhile, her most fertile, radiant years slip away.

4. Lack of respect

This is the ugliest one. Some men genuinely don’t respect women enough to think her time is valuable. They’ll take her body, her love, her youth, and never pause to ask what she deserves in return.

5. Good ol’dumbness

Maybe none of the above are running through his head, but nonetheless, that doesn’t take away the harm he's causing. A man like that should not be allowed into the dating market.

No matter which category a man falls into, the conclusion is the same: there is no honorable reason to be with a woman you don’t intend to marry.

How Women End Up Trapped

Before we make this only about men, a confession: women sometimes co-author their own heartbreak. We’re socialized to be “chill,” to wait it out, to believe time will make him change his mind. And yes, some decade-long sagas do end in beautiful marriages, but today we’re talking about the ones that don’t, because when you zoom in, the patterns are hard to miss.

• Overestimating potential

Women love potential. We see a man not as who he is, but as who he could be with just a little encouragement. He doesn’t want marriage now, but maybe next year. He doesn’t prioritize family, but maybe someday he will. Hope becomes her own prison bars.

• Fear of starting over

After investing years in a man, walking away feels like erasing your own history. The longer she stays, the more she feels she has to make it work, or else admit she wasted her time. Ironically, that fear only makes the waste worse in the end.

• Low standards disguised as loyalty

Sometimes women mistake endurance for love. They think the ability to tolerate a half-hearted boyfriend makes them noble. In reality, it just keeps them stuck and hurts their self-esteem. 

• Becoming a “frog farmer"

Here’s where Alison Armstrong’s idea enters the scene. A “frog farmer” is a woman who takes a perfectly fine man and, instead of bringing out his prince qualities, cultivates more frog-like behavior. She enables him, excuses him, nags him, or mothers him until he stagnates. Then she wonders why he won’t step up and become a prince. In truth, she trained him not to.

The Cost of Wasting a Woman’s Years

We live in a culture that likes to act as if time doesn’t matter. That your twenties are just for fun, that you can delay adulthood indefinitely. But biology and reality are less forgiving.

For women, those “best years” are when fertility is highest, energy is abundant, and natural beauty shines without much effort. They’re also the years when she’s most eager to build a life with someone. Losing five, seven, even ten years in a relationship that goes nowhere isn’t just an emotional blow, it’s a real cost. 

Men don’t face the same timeline. A man can delay marriage into his late thirties or even forties without facing the same repercussions. For women, the clock ticks differently. Which is why it’s particularly selfish for men to “wait it out” on a girlfriend they know they won’t marry. He can restart whenever. She can’t. Even if she was willing and able to freeze her eggs and extend her fertility, this comes at a high monetary, emotional, and physical cost to her. 

But Doesn’t She Know?

Some men defend themselves by saying: “She stayed. It’s not my fault.” I once even had an ex say “She was obsessed and would not let me go.” Ignoring the fact that he kept taking me on bi-weekly dates (paid by him, planned by him) and I thought everything was going great.

That argument sounds logical until you remember who holds the power of decision. A man knows in the first year, often sooner, whether he wants to marry a woman. If he knows the answer is “no,” then staying becomes advantageous exploitation.

Because here’s the truth: women often believe love means patience and understanding. They think their loyalty will earn them a proposal and they are willing to prove themselves worthy, even though there’s no real need. But a man who knows he doesn’t want to marry her and still stays is not innocent, he’s using her loyalty against her.

What Women Can Do

So, how do women break free from the trap?

1. Set standards early

A woman should never be afraid to ask: “Do you see marriage in your future?” within the first few months of dating. That’s not desperation. That’s clarity. Men who mock women for “moving too fast” are usually the same men who want to waste their time.

2. Pay attention to his actions, not just his words

If he says he wants marriage “someday” but spends years avoiding progress, believe his actions. “Someday” is code for “not with you.” Also, is he shopping around? Does he keep female friendships that make you uncomfortable? Even if these friendships are not romantic, it's a sign that he's keeping his options open. 

3. Refuse to be the girlfriend-for-life

If he can’t move forward after a reasonable amount of time, walk away. Not as punishment, but as an act of self-respect. Staying longer won’t change his mind. Don’t get angry or resentful, simply be mindful of where you put your mind and energy and be sure it is where it is valued. As in everything, consider the ROI (return of investment) and be responsible with your resources—a.k.a: your beauty, time, wisdom, and the joy and fun of being you. 

4. Stop being a frog farmer

Don’t enable laziness or indecision. Don’t mother him, don’t nag him, and don’t lower your standards in the name of being “chill.” Expect excellence, and if he doesn’t rise, he’s not your man. He's actively choosing to be a certain kind of man and it's on you to respond to that accordingly. 

The Perspective Men Need to Hear

Men often defend their indecision with “I’m not ready” or “I don’t want to ruin what we have.” But here’s the thing: love is meant to move forward. It’s meant to create something permanent, something fruitful. Staying stagnant isn’t romantic, it’s cowardly and foolish. Part of the beauty of marriage is the idea of building your own little kingdom together. Why would you be with a man scared or unsure about embarking on such an exciting and beautiful adventure with you?

If you’re with a woman you don’t intend to marry, you owe her honesty. Break up with her. Let her be free to find the man who sees her as his future, not his pastime.

Because holding onto her while you “figure yourself out” is not neutral. It’s theft. You’re stealing her best years, her hope, and her future children’s chance to exist.

A Word to The Women Who Stayed Too Long

If you’ve read this with a pit in your stomach because you realize you’re that woman, the one who gave away years to a man who never intended to commit, take heart. You didn’t ruin your life. You’re not damaged goods and every day is an opportunity to reassess and adjust as needed. 

The best thing you can do now is learn. Learn to listen to a man’s actions. Learn to value your own time. Learn to walk away the moment you see he isn’t serious. There’s no shame in being loyal, but loyalty must be given to the right man. The wrong one doesn’t deserve it. 

Bottom line: you didn’t lose a great love—you sidestepped a lifetime of slow-motion disappointment. Whether you bowed out after date one or year ten, be grateful you chose freedom over a future with a man who drags his feet and dims your shine. Celebrate being the woman who got away, and use the exit to start fresh, on your terms, with someone who shows up.

Final Thoughts

There’s no honor in dating a woman you don’t see yourself marrying. Comfort isn’t a strategy. Fear of loneliness isn’t a plan. “Not being ready” isn’t a loophole. And “keeping your options open” isn’t an option.

Men: if that’s you, be decent and end it. Don’t borrow her years while you make up your mind.

Women: if you’re the one waiting, believe what his inaction is telling you. Stop hoping he’ll change, and set yourself free.

The truth is simple but inconvenient: dragging out a dead-end relationship is selfish. It doesn’t spare heartbreak; it compounds it. Time is nonrefundable. Spend it where intention matches affection, and don’t waste irreplaceable years on someone who won’t show up.