The Side Of Domestic Violence Nobody Will Say Out Loud

High-profile cases, like the Johnny Depp and Amber Heard trial, have begun to crack open this narrative, revealing a more complex reality. The trial not only highlighted that men can be victims of abuse but also sparked broader discussions about the possibility that women might sometimes be the abusers.

Despite this, our society still lags far behind in providing support for male victims. Shelters, hotlines, and resources tailored for men are scarce, if they exist at all in many communities.

The domestic violence allegations involving Taylor Frankie Paul, star of The Secret Lives of Mormon Wives (and the filmed but ultimately scrapped season of The Bachelorette), have thrust the issue back into the spotlight this week.

In February 2023, police in Herriman, Utah, responded to a domestic violence call at Paul’s home. According to charging documents, she threw multiple objects—including her phone and metal barstools—during an argument with then-boyfriend Dakota Mortensen. One of the items allegedly struck her young daughter, who was in the room at the time. Paul was charged with aggravated assault, domestic violence in the presence of a child, child abuse, and criminal mischief.

She later entered a plea in abeyance to the aggravated assault charge, a legal arrangement that allows the offense to be reduced if certain conditions are met over time. The remaining charges were dismissed as part of the agreement.

Now, in 2026, the situation has re-entered the spotlight amid a new domestic violence investigation involving both Paul and Mortensen. Police have confirmed that allegations were made in both directions. In March, Mortensen filed for a protective order in Utah, describing recent incidents in which Paul allegedly choked him, pushed him into a window, blocked him from leaving, threw his phone, and hit him, which he characterized as volatile and distressing.

That same week, footage from the 2023 incident, previously submitted as evidence, was published by TMZ, renewing public scrutiny of the case. Paul’s team pushed back on the release shortly after, calling it a deliberate attempt to shift attention, without acknowledging the wrongdoing on her part.

The fallout was swift. ABC confirmed it would not move forward with airing Paul’s season of The Bachelorette, which had already been filmed, citing the newly resurfaced footage. Production on The Secret Lives of Mormon Wives was also paused amid the renewed attention surrounding the case.

The video is difficult to watch, but the broader conversation it has sparked is not new. Cases involving domestic violence, regardless of who the aggressor is, often unfold behind closed doors, only reaching public awareness once they escalate.

While the door has been pried open to acknowledge that yes, men can be abused too, we must push it wider to confront an uncomfortable truth: women can be abusive, and in some cases, even more so than men. The difference often lies in the consequences—male-perpetrated abuse can lead to more severe physical harm—but ignoring female abusers perpetuates cycles of violence that harm everyone involved.

I’ve seen this tragedy unfold in my own extended family. One of my relatives, a man who stood 6'3" and was built like a linebacker, was married to a woman who was barely 5'2". She was the abuser. Yet when they reached family court, she turned the system against him. She falsely claimed he was the violent one, and the court believed her.

Because of his size and strength, no one could imagine that a man like him could possibly be the victim of a much smaller woman. Even though friends and family members testified on his behalf and provided clear evidence of her abuse, the court dismissed it all. They awarded her full custody and he never saw his children again. The kids were left in the hands of the very person who had been abusing their father.

Protecting women from abuse and holding abusive women accountable aren't opposing ideas.

She then spent years alienating them from him and from the rest of our family. Only recently have his daughters begun to reconnect with us. His life was completely shattered, all because the system refused to believe that a big, strong man could be a victim of domestic abuse.

The realization that we give women overwhelming support as victims hit home for me in a rather unexpected way. I made the rookie mistake of scheduling a beauty procedure just a week before a filming commitment. I wanted to look my best, fresh-faced and camera-ready. The treatment involved needles around my eyes, and let's just say my delicate skin didn't appreciate the intrusion. What started as minor swelling ballooned into a full-blown black eye—purple, and impossible to ignore. Rule number one for any woman in the public eye: never tamper with your face so close to a shoot. I did my best to camouflage it with layers of concealer, foundation, and every makeup trick in the book, but the shiner still peeked through.

What fascinated me wasn't the bruise itself, but the reactions it elicited. As I went about my day—grabbing coffee at cafés, running errands in stores—I caught women and men glancing my way with concern. Their eyes softened with sympathy, radiating "you poor sweetheart" vibes. One kind stranger even pulled me aside and gently asked, "Is everything okay at home?" It was clear they assumed the worst: that a boyfriend or husband had inflicted this on me. Everyone cared and wanted to help.

This empathy extends to corporate initiatives, too. Take my favorite clothing brand, Ba&sh, for example. They launched a powerful program aimed at combating violence against women. They're selling specially designed T-shirts, with proceeds donated to organizations that support survivors of domestic abuse. In their stores, they've set up a Safe Space initiative to provide discreet access to a self-assessment test via QR code to help women recognize if they're in an abusive relationship—red flags like controlling behavior, isolation from friends, or escalating threats. Programs like this are lifesavers, offering escape routes for women trapped in toxic dynamics. 

“Most intimate partner violence is not simply male violence, or female violence, but what’s called ‘bilateral violence’, with both partners feeding into a cycle of violence, that often escalates."

But as I reflected on those concerned glances and Ba&sh’s initiative, a glaring gap emerged: Where are the resources for women who might be the abusers? We flood the airwaves with messages for victims, but what about guidance for those struggling with their own aggressive tendencies? No one seems to provide the tools or information needed to help women self-reflect and change before situations escalate. By pretending domestic violence is strictly a gendered issue—men bad, women good—we endanger not just men, but children, other women, and even the abusive women themselves. Lives are at stake, and the data demands we confront this head-on.

Let's look at the facts, unfiltered by ideology. Studies from organizations like the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) and various academic reviews paint a nuanced picture. In one-sided domestic violence incidents—where only one partner is abusive—women are actually more likely to be the perpetrators than men, according to some analyses of arrest data and victim surveys. This isn't about blaming women, though. It's about understanding patterns to prevent harm. Even more telling are the rates across relationship types. The highest incidences of intimate partner violence often occur in lesbian couples, where both partners are women, while the lowest rates are found in gay male couples. This challenges the notion that abuse is inherently tied to male aggression or patriarchal structures. Instead, it suggests that unaddressed issues like emotional volatility, power imbalances, or unresolved trauma can manifest in abuse regardless of gender. Could it be that our reluctance to discuss female abusers is fueling higher rates of violence overall? By not providing women with self-awareness tools, we're allowing cycles to perpetuate.

I spoke with George Horne, known as the creator of TheTinMen on social media, providing extensive data to truly address the issues. He tells me: “Most intimate partner violence is not simply male violence, or female violence, but what’s called ‘bilateral violence’, with both partners feeding into a cycle of violence, that often escalates. The latest data finds that around half of all partner violence is bilateral, which means the biggest indicator we have of identifying women who are victims of violence, is if she is, herself, a perpetrator of violence too. Instead, we ignore violence by women, and in doing so, hurt women and men.” Fans are speculating that this is what has occurred in the Taylor Frankie Paul situation.

Your relationship might not be as horrific as what we witnessed in that recently released video, but if you're reading this and wondering if you might be contributing to an unhealthy dynamic in your relationship, it's brave to even ask. Self-reflection is the first step toward change.

Four Signs You Might Be the Abuser

These are common red flags drawn from psychological research and expert insights.

Examine your patterns of control

Do you monitor your partner's phone, emails, or social media without their consent? Do you dictate who they can see, what they can wear, or how they spend their time? Control isn't always overt; it can masquerade as concern—"I just worry about you"—but if it's eroding their independence, it's abusive. Healthy relationships thrive on trust and autonomy, not surveillance.

Consider emotional manipulation

Are you using guilt, threats, or silent treatment to get your way? Phrases like "If you loved me, you'd..." or withholding affection as punishment are classic tactics. Emotional abuse can be subtler than physical harm but just as damaging, leaving invisible scars that erode self-esteem. If your partner often feels like they're walking on eggshells around you, it's time to pause and reflect.

Assess any physical aggression

This could be slapping, pushing, throwing objects, or even blocking their exit during an argument. Women might downplay this because societal narratives suggest female aggression isn't "real" abuse, but intent and impact matter. If your actions cause fear or harm, regardless of your size or strength, it's abusive.

Look at isolation tactics

Do you criticize or alienate your partner from their friends and family? Do you make them feel like no one else understands them but you? Isolation is a powerful tool abusers use to maintain power, cutting off support networks that could offer perspective or escape. If your relationship has become an echo chamber where you're the only voice that counts, that's a warning sign.

Recognizing these behaviors in yourself isn't easy—it's confronting and vulnerable. But if you see them, know this: There is help available, and seeking it can transform your life and relationships.

Three Ways to Break the Cycle, Starting Now

Seek professional therapy or counseling

Therapists specializing in anger management, cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), or domestic violence intervention can provide a safe space to unpack root causes like past trauma, stress, or learned behaviors. Organizations like the National Domestic Violence Hotline (1-800-799-7233) offer referrals not just for victims but for those who recognize they might be harming others. Online platforms like BetterHelp make it accessible to start virtually.

Join support groups or programs designed for abusers

Groups focus on accountability and change, often court-mandated but available voluntarily in many areas. For women specifically, resources from groups like Emerge adapt traditional models to address female-perpetrated abuse. These peer-led sessions build empathy, teach conflict resolution, and help break destructive patterns.

Educate yourself through books, workshops, and online resources

Websites from the American Psychological Association or local community centers often host free webinars on healthy relationships. Committing to self-education can empower you to move forward, whether by strengthening your current partnership or transitioning to a new phase of life.

In the end, we must all commit to honesty over ideology. The gaslighting that insists only men can be abusive isn't just misguided; it's dangerous. By acknowledging that women can be abusers too, we open pathways to prevention, healing, and true equality.

Protecting women from abuse and holding abusive women accountable aren't opposing ideas. If we ignore this, domestic violence rates will only climb, ripping apart families and communities. But if we embrace the full truth, we can create more relationships built on mutual respect, saving lives—men's, women's, and children's—in the process. It's time to ask ourselves: Are we part of the solution to domestic violence, or are we perpetuating the problem by insisting women are always the victims?