Attempting to find love in the age of coronavirus is interesting, to say the least.
Singles are momentarily stuck with FaceTime dates, the possibility of the tried and true dinner-and-a-movie date not even close to being a reality in the near future. Though now unable to go on in-person dates, it seems our involuntary online-only dates are actually helping to shed light on our date’s true colors — bringing our attention to their rather unsavory “isms” we may not have noticed otherwise.
Behold, the eight types of guys we’re all probably dating right about now:
The Video Game Addict
This guy will spend far more time looking at his TV screen than your face when you video chat. Every single “date” consists of the incessant clicks of his video game controller, rapid gunfire, and raging zombies threatening to eat him. Every conversation is punctuated with him yelling, “Oh, come on!!!” and frequent rage quitting. And sometimes, you’re not sure if he’s talking to you, or the gamer bros he’s got on the other side of his gigantic headset.
But you never know — he might be the most prepared of us to deal with the impending zombie apocalypse this pandemic might one day lead to.
This poor, unfortunate soul is really upset by this whole virus thing. He dreads waking up every morning because it assuredly leads him into yet another existential crisis when he’s through watching seven hours of news updates. But he dreads going to sleep, too, because he now suffers from insomnia, functioning on but three restless hours of sleep every single day.
He showers you with thoughtful gifts like a new mask and the all-too-coveted bottle of hand sanitizer that he implores you to use before setting foot outside. He makes comments like, “Yeah, when we finally meet next year,” because he’s thoroughly convinced sheltering-in-place for the next 18 months is the only option we have.
The Guys Who’s Fed Up
The state of the economy is the only thing worth being upset about right now…at least, according to this guy. He’s sick of the media’s lies about coronavirus, rolls his eyes every time he hears the words “social distancing,” and mutters “survival of the fittest” at least 40 times a day.
He wouldn’t be caught dead wearing a mask, insists the virus is a ploy that far too conveniently blew up during an election year, and calls everyone following the government’s orders a bunch of lazy “sheeple” who don’t want to work. Oh, and he really hates CNN.
The Stay-At-Home Activist
The most altruistic of any activist, this guy simply cannot believe how selfish humanity has become. You’ll typically find him staring out his window, megaphone in hand, ready to shame anyone who dares to set foot outside without a mask.
He says the mere thought of returning to work within the next year is outrageous and considers himself and everyone else who sits on the couch all day watching endless hours of Netflix a hero in the same weight class as MLK and the soldiers who stormed the beaches of Normandy. He’d really like a round of applause for his service.
For this guy, this quarantine is actually a blessing — he’s always been so busy with work that he’s never had enough time to dedicate to his novel/screenplay/poetry/music/strategy board game/photography portfolio.
But now is his time — the time to not only unleash his inner artiste and try out every hobby under the sun, but to unearth his profound passion for watercolors, candle-making, wood working, international cuisine, and paper mache. He’s also learning French, Japanese, and Swahili, and whimsically relays to you how well-rounded he feels he’s becoming.
Discovering his hidden, hopeless romantic side took this guy by surprise, but he’s really living into it — every one of your FaceTime dates thus far has been accompanied by the dreamy, tender melody of Chopin’s nocturnes on a loop, his face illuminated by the flickering glow of a candle only he can smell, and a gorgeous vase brimming with bright red roses that he got “just for you.”
He cooks every single meal for these dates from scratch, pours himself a hefty glass of cab, and stares so intently into your pixelated eyes that it’s borderline uncomfortable.
Never one to let a good crisis go to waste, every conversation with this dude inevitably leads to a long-winded rant of his about how beneficial investing in Zoom would be, bragging about how many hand sanitizers he’s hoarding that he could “literally sell for, like, $500 a piece,” and flirtatiously asks you to invest in his start-up app company that’s pretty much TikTok but for intellectuals.
The Guy Who Was Already Quarantined
For this winner, life hasn’t really changed much. It took him a couple of weeks to realize how serious this whole “shelter-in-place” thing was because he was kind of already quarantined. He laughs about being an ultra-introvert, so he’s “been training for this his entire life.”
He’s super used to staying inside all day, donning flannel pajamas, and working odd online jobs to make juuust enough to cover his $500 rent. He honestly couldn’t care less about when or if this virus goes away, because he’s not planning on getting off the couch anytime soon, anyway.
It’s safe to say that the pandemic has had a significant impact on online dating, and such confusing, stressful times can often bring out the worst in us — but perhaps it’s in our best interest to find the humor in that. After all, what else can we do?
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