Stop Accidentally Insulting Your Friends

We’ve all felt it before: that cold, panicky sensation that happens when you say something you really shouldn’t have. Sometimes it’s worse to realize it after the fact, perhaps after finding out information that you weren’t privy to at the time, reflecting further, or seeing the look on your friend’s face in response to what you said. Whether it’s done in the heat of the moment or by complete accident, everyone has put their foot in their mouth before. It's essential for our relationships that we learn how to make amends, rectify the damage our words have done, and reflect on how we can speak better in the future. What happens when our cultural environment stunts these opportunities though? We continuously damage our relationships with other people, sometimes without even realizing it. Our behavior is being increasingly influenced by hyper-polarized outrage culture and toxic social media conduct. Outrage Culture Nobody needs a degree in sociology or political science to recognize that we live in a hot-tempered social climate right now. Politics alone suffice to show it; the ever-worsening relationship between so-called political conservatives and progressives is one of the foundational reasons for the hyper-polarization and terrible social media culture. It’s always about “Us versus Them.” The battlefield has been completely leveled by the removal of physical presence. Hot-button political issues have become social calling cards. Your views on abortion will shuffle you into a particular camp, whether it’s “baby murder lovers” or “bigoted pro-birthers who don’t care about women in need.” Views on immigration will categorize you as “nation-destroying suicidal empathy freaks” or “racist white ‘folx’ who Literally Want Brown People to Die.” There is no nuance, no listening; only reacting and labeling. This fierce divide has infected every important issue regardless of political relevancy, as the general social temperature has risen due to politics becoming increasingly moralistic in the last decade , often acting as the primary expression of personal ethics for secular adults and a heavily intertwined expression for religious ones (the two-party system also lends itself particularly well to the “good versus evil” vision). Everyone is either a friend or foe, and what could be attributed to genuine ignorance is instead seen as malice or neglect of a serious duty. Social Media While social temperature is at a fever pitch, ideology is not the only reason things are so bad. People have always had deeply passionate disagreements with each other; bloody wars were fought over theological differences. However, there has never been a time in history where we’ve had so much access to other people’s thoughts without being physically present to them. This is what social media has contributed to public discourse. Platforms such as X, TikTok, and Instagram are breeding grounds for this disembodied discussion. X is particularly prone to it, as the short-form content design enables half-baked thoughts for all the world to see. TikTok videos are similarly short, allowing viewers to nitpick perceived errors and stitch with their own short rebuttals. The controversies generate discourse, which generates more posts and rewards interactions. These platforms feed on thorough discussion, whether it’s accurate and respectful or inaccurate and vengeful. Everyone is sharing their thoughts, and they don’t have to do it to anyone’s face. It doesn’t matter if a profile is of someone’s real identity or an anonymous one; the living, breathing person is not in front of us. We do not have to watch them inhale sharply and gape at us as we pontificate about how mothers who don’t vaccinate “don’t care if their babies live or die” (and vice versa). The battlefield has been completely leveled by the removal of physical presence. Things that would be reserved for secret, shameful gossip sessions are now said openly. There is no “would you say it to their face?” anymore: you won’t be saying it to their face. You don’t have to. You can just log off if you say something controversial about food stamps and get some pushback for it. Never mind that your best friend from kindergarten is on them and hasn’t told you about it yet. She definitely saw your post, though, and while she will say nothing about it the next time you hang out, she won’t forget that you sent it off into the ether without a second thought. Our Relationships When everything is an important issue that demands we share our thoughts, we are inevitably going to openly disagree with those we care about even more than we would before. The right way to do this is through fruitful, respectful in-person dialogue, but this is becoming rarer and rarer. Even in-person debates get clipped into soundbites and sent off into the algorithm for “epic owns” to flood feeds. We are naïve if we think that this doesn’t start to affect our offline behavior. Everyone is angry and can tell anyone about it. The only reactions we usually have to face are the typed responses to our own typed declarations, but we are naïve if we think that this doesn’t start to affect our offline behavior. We are more likely to share the extreme versions of our opinions out loud; what’s so bad, after all? Everyone says it like this online. If we spend a lot of time online, we will likely generalize our behavior to the offline. Unfortunately, our half-baked thoughts aren’t always meant to be shared, and we shouldn’t base our opinions on serious issues on the similarly haphazard thoughts of others. Online discourse softening the impact of our opinions for strangers doesn’t soften anything when our loved ones are the subjects of our opinions. The divide that exists for disembodied strangers does not exist for those we love and care about, even if it’s posted online. The relationship bridges the gap that social media normally provides. I have seen people I deeply care about say really awful and thoughtless things about situations I’ve been in. As a participant in MSM (“Mommy Social Media”), they’re usually comments about my reality as a mother of a special-needs child or parenting choices I’ve thoughtfully made. I avoid conflict with my loved ones as much as I can, so when I come across these comments, I swallow the hurt and say nothing… but I would be lying if I said I’d forgotten them. In reality, it causes me to question the relationship and distance myself. The only thing that makes me feel better about these moments is that they probably didn’t know they were calling their own friend a horrible mother over mere differences in opinion. They were just sharing their thoughts. Seeing your friends make really bold and sloppy claims about things you’re insecure about or can’t control is deeply hurtful. We all know this, but it doesn’t always stop us. I’ve done it myself; as an avid social media user, I know much about this toxic culture because it has affected me too. I recognize the way it has influenced my own behavior and caused me to hurt others. I have been both a victim and perpetrator of these social sins. Prudence and Charity Are the Keys Thankfully, we always have opportunities to fix our behavior. Maxims like “If you don’t have something nice to say, don’t say anything at all” are helpful, but I want to take a better approach: cultivating the virtues of prudence and charity. Virtues are better than platitudes because they act as foundations for behavior instead of merely guiding it. It's good to remind yourself to be patient with others. It's better to become a more patient person. After dedicating time to cultivating a particular virtue, you act out of disposition. Prudence is one of the four cardinal virtues. It's the ability to discern the appropriate course of action in general as well as for a given time and place. In simpler terms: prudence helps us make the right decision for each situation by taking all of the facts into account. Utilizing prudence calls for thinking calmly and rationally before we act; we don’t respond rashly or thoughtlessly, and sometimes the best course of action is to do or say nothing. Charity is a theological virtue, often rendered as merely “love” these days. Since it's a theological virtue and religious in its foundation, charity refers to the love that one has for God and neighbor. Furthermore, it's not merely a feeling, but a disposition of goodwill, duty, and honor toward the other. For our purposes, charity toward our neighbor is the focus; when we cultivate charity or love for our neighbors, we want what is best for them and to treat them rightly. After dedicating time to cultivating a particular virtue, you act out of disposition. One can immediately see how prudence and charity are excellent ways to combat the toxic discourse that we're constantly inundated with. Instead of firing off our barely formed thoughts for social participation points, we should really sit and consider if what we want to say about a particular topic is prudent and charitable. A great way to exercise prudence in our speech (including online speech) is to consider the “three gates” of speaking: Is it true? Is it necessary? Is it kind? If something is untrue, we shouldn’t say it at all. If it is true but unnecessary, maybe we shouldn’t say it, especially if it's unkind. If it is both true and necessary, we should find a kind way to say it. These three things alone will prevent a world of potential hurt toward our loved ones, as we will be much more careful with what we say. Exercising charity in our speech considers the needs of others before ourselves. What is best for my neighbor, whoever they are; friend, family, or vulnerable stranger? Is what I want to say worth hurting the feelings of those I care about? Can I share my thoughts in a way that is challenging but ultimately respectful? I'm not advocating that we become doormats or stop sharing our opinions altogether. Sometimes we do need to prioritize sharing the truth over the feelings of others. We should always be honest, but brutal honesty is not always the best course. We can always do better than thoughtlessly spouting off on social media (or in person). And when we inevitably do say something careless, we should rectify it by apologizing and clarifying our thoughts. I’ve been in many situations where I shared a strong opinion that hurt others’ feelings and, after receiving feedback, went back to clean up the damage I did. Becoming Virtuous Interlocutors By working to become virtuous speakers, not only will we better preserve our relationships, but we will stand strong against the cultural influences that seek to make us more inflammatory, angry, and divided from each other. Culture war enthusiasts and social media algorithms want us to be at each other’s throats and in an ideological frenzy because they benefit from it. They use rage to get what they want: more acolytes for their respective side of the culture war and more engagement for the algorithm. There is another benefit: by practicing virtue, we become better people . By shaping our disposition as well as our behavior, virtue becomes a habitual way of acting. A prudent person will always think before they speak. A charitable person will consider what’s best for their neighbor. A prudent and charitable person will always have the best disposition for sharing their beliefs with others, even in the Wild West of social media, because they are thoughtful, they do love. Thoughtfulness and love guide everything they say. Practice these virtues by reflecting on their value and actively choosing them in applicable situations. Consider saying nothing about the discourse of the day. Privately message a friend your thoughts instead of posting about them. Women of faith should consider praying for the grace and opportunities to practice these virtues. We don’t have to keep inadvertently hurting our loved ones with careless zeal, even if something is important. We can choose the better part. Your friends will thank you for it, and your character will improve because of it.