Sex Without Birth Control Is Better, But Not For The Reason You Think

Four years after that day, we're both Catholic, and our lives have changed in ways I never expected, but the one I didn't see coming was how much ditching birth control would transform our marriage for the better.

My husband and I were both raised Protestant, and while I refused to take hormonal birth control after we got married because of the side effects, we had no qualms about using other methods of contraception. That is, until we decided to become Catholic. 

When I was only a few weeks postpartum with our second baby, my husband approached me and told me he was thinking about joining RCIA (now called OCIA), which is the spiritual formation process new converts to Catholicism have to go through. Although he had been dropping hints here and there in retrospect, I was completely floored.

After a period of prayer and discernment (and peppering him with questions), I decided to join him in RCIA. Deciding to accept the teachings of the Catholic Church meant tossing the birth control that we no longer felt comfortable using. I knew removing birth control from the equation would make things challenging, but what I didn’t anticipate was how much it would benefit our sex life and our marriage in the years to come.

Isn’t the Sex So Much Better?

During our journey through RCIA, I stumbled upon an article from a fellow Catholic convert. This article lists the strange things that other Catholics ask you when they find out you’ve converted. One of the questions was, “Isn’t the sex so much better?”

The author of the article thought that was a pretty weird question. At the time, I thought it was, too. From a purely physical standpoint, I understood why sex would be better. If you’re using barrier methods, it’s obvious why sex would be more pleasurable without birth control. Even with the pill, it’s easy to see how removing the physical and emotional side effects would improve things in the bedroom. What I didn’t realize at the time is that it doesn't even begin to cover the change that happens when you stop using birth control.

Missing the Point of Sex

The Catholic Faith teaches that sex is both unitive and procreative. The use of birth control isn’t considered licit because it removes the procreative aspect of sex. The harshest critics of the Catholic Church will say that’s because the Church wants to control us, forcing us to have as many babies as possible.

And those who are simply skeptical of the teachings, as I was before becoming Catholic, will say that it’s okay to use birth control within the confines of marriage, because your fidelity to your spouse is what matters.

Although sex isn’t just for making children, allowing for the possibility is part of participating in the act of becoming one flesh.

Certainly, before tossing out our birth control, I would have agreed that there’s nothing wrong with removing the procreative aspect as long as you plan on being fruitful and multiplying when the time is right. It’s not like you’re sterilizing yourself, removing the procreative aspect permanently. It’s just for a little while. Until you’ve finished school, or your finances are better, or you’re ready to give up the life you’re currently living.

It wasn’t until recently that I realized how much this affects our view of each other in the bedroom, even if much of it is subconscious.

Are We Fully Giving of Ourselves?

I paced back and forth in front of the sink while my new husband waited just outside the door. My whole body was shaking. Somehow, I was more nervous in that moment than I was moments before I walked down the aisle.

There was nothing but love in his eyes when I walked down the aisle just hours before, and I knew there would be nothing but love when I walked out of the bathroom that night. Still, there was a moment of pause as I realized how significant this moment actually was.

Hookup culture may have caused some to be desensitized to the significance of sex, but I think deep down, most know that healthy sex requires a level of trust that surpasses what most people are capable of in a casual context. Within marriage, it requires you to give yourself fully to your spouse, holding nothing back physically, emotionally, or spiritually.

After nearly 11 years of marriage, I am convinced that you can’t have good sex without the ability to be fully vulnerable, fully known, and fully seen by your spouse. Although I couldn’t put my finger on it at the time, something was missing from our sex life when we were using birth control. As if we were attempting to give ourselves fully to each other, but still holding something back, unwittingly. 

Not Just an Object of Desire

If you paid attention in biology class (or high school health class when they tried to scare you into staying chaste forever), you know that pregnancy is a natural consequence of sex.

But even within marriages, the procreation part can be an afterthought. What we often forget is that children aren’t simply a consequence of sex. When sex between spouses is a mutual gift, a child “springs from the very heart of that mutual giving, as its fruit and fulfillment.”

It’s not the only purpose of sex, but it is equally important to the unitive aspect. Intentionally removing the ability to procreate through artificial birth control changes how we view sex and the person we’re having sex with. It diminishes the meaning behind the marital act. Not because sex is only meaningful if we can get pregnant, but because children are the natural fruit of the love between spouses. 

But What If We Get Pregnant?

I imagine some might say that ditching birth control would make their sex life worse (or non-existent) because it would lead to anxiety about getting pregnant. Even though the use of natural family planning (NFP) to avoid pregnancy is licit for Catholics when the couple has discerned it’s necessary, ditching birth control does require a deep trust in God and His plan.

Separating sex from the possibility of parenthood often makes the act solely about our desire and physical pleasure. And while there’s certainly nothing wrong with desiring your spouse, our spouses aren't meant to be viewed as objects or tools for receiving the pleasure we want.

Less Birth Control, More Self-Control

Contrary to what some believe, Catholic women aren’t required to be pregnant all the time. In times when avoiding pregnancy is necessary, many women use a method of NFP, which requires couples to abstain from sex during fertile periods. 

By abstaining when pregnancy is most likely, you’re practicing self-control. And considering most women’s sexual desire is highest before ovulation, it really does take a lot of self-control (especially when your husband comes home from the gym looking like a snack).

Unlike many of the negative effects of birth control, the use of NFP has been linked to benefits such as improved communication, increased sexual intimacy, and higher marital satisfaction. 

The use of NFP has been linked to benefits such as improved communication, increased sexual intimacy, and higher marital satisfaction. 

I’ve always wanted to have a lot of kids, but ditching birth control suddenly was still a scary decision. Four years later, I’ve realized that the rules that seemed so legalistic to me before becoming Catholic were meant for our good. Sex without birth control is better, because during sex with our spouse, we renew our marital vows. Although sex isn’t just for making children, allowing for the possibility is part of participating in the act of becoming one flesh. It’s a mirror of God’s love, and nothing could be more joyful than that.