Reclaiming The Lost Art Of Courtship

When my now-husband first said to me, "Let me court you, and then you can make up your mind," something shifted within me. Those simple words cut through years of exhaustion from the modern dating scene—where swiping, ghosting games, and power struggles had gradually worn me down. I hadn't always approached dating transactionally, but the culture had slowly pulled me into its rhythm. His desire to court me wasn't just refreshingly old-fashioned; it reminded me of the intentional approach to romance I had always valued but had started to believe was extinct.

The Commodification of Connection

With over 350 million people using dating apps worldwide and nearly half of Americans (45%) reporting dating apps as the top way to meet someone new, digital platforms have fundamentally changed how we form connections. Perhaps most telling, over 50% of engaged couples now meet through dating apps, according to research from Forbes Health.

What we're witnessing isn't just a change in dating technology but a fundamental shift in how we view relationships. When dating becomes a numbers game, people inevitably become commodities. When matches are plentiful and connection is just a swipe away, the incentive to invest deeply in any single relationship dramatically decreases. The result? An epidemic of shallow connections that leave both men and women feeling unseen, undervalued, and ultimately alone.

The Empty Promise of Situationships

Perhaps nowhere is the transactional nature of modern dating more evident than in the rise of situationships—those nebulous almost-relationships that offer the benefits of partnership without the commitment or responsibility.

The statistics on situationships are revealing. According to recent YouGov data, half (50%) of Americans aged 18-34 have been in a situationship, with 39% of all U.S. adults reporting similar experiences. These undefined relationships are prevalent among college students and Gen Z, reflecting a generational shift toward less clearly defined romantic arrangements.

Research suggests that these undefined relationships often leave women feeling more anxious about dating and less optimistic about finding lasting love. While situationships may seem pressure-free on the surface, some have identified them as potential sources of "emotional trauma in a gift box," citing the confusion and emotional strain that comes from investing in a connection without clear boundaries or direction.

Many women are discovering through painful experience that situationships aren't a stepping stone to commitment—they're the antithesis of it. By accepting a connection without clear intentions or progression, women often unknowingly enter into precisely the kind of transactional arrangement they're trying to avoid.

The Counter-Cultural Power of Courtship

Against this backdrop, traditional courtship isn't just appealing—it's revolutionary. Courtship, by its very definition, is a process with intention and direction. It acknowledges that meaningful relationships require time, investment, and progression toward a defined goal.

When my now-husband said, "Let me court you, and then you can make up your mind," I was invited to step out of the anxious, controlling mindset that had characterized my previous dating experiences—where I was constantly trying to guess where things stood or manage outcomes—and into a receptive state I hadn't allowed myself to experience before.

For the first time, I wasn't carrying the emotional burden of the relationship's direction. Instead of analyzing every interaction or wondering his intentions, I could observe his consistent actions and allow myself to be pursued with intention. This shift from controlling to receiving mode was transformative for our relationship and my entire approach to love.

I discovered that when a man courts you properly, you're free to experience the relationship rather than manage it. There's a beautiful surrender in allowing someone to demonstrate their interest without trying to accelerate or control the process. In that receptive space, I could see him clearly—his character, consistency, and intentions—without the fog of my anxieties clouding my judgment.

But what we see in these modern transactional dating approaches is quite different from courtship.

Transaction: "What can I get from this person tonight?"

Courtship: "Who might we become together over time?"

Transaction: Maintains ambiguity to maximize options

Courtship: Provides clarity that builds security

Transaction: Rushes physical intimacy before emotional connection

Courtship: Develops emotional intimacy that gives context to physical connection

Transaction: Values convenience above commitment

Courtship: Recognizes that valuable things require investment

What makes courtship particularly powerful in today's dating landscape is its counter-cultural nature. In a world where everything is available on-demand, choosing a path that requires patience, discernment, and delayed gratification sends a powerful message about your value.

Transforming Your Dating Life: From Transactional to Intentional

If you've been caught in the cycle of transactional dating but are ready for something more meaningful, you don't need to wait for someone else to initiate the change. The transition to a courtship mindset begins with your approach and expectations—and it can start today, even if you're already dating.

Here are concrete steps to transform your dating experience: 

1. Take an honest inventory of your current situation

Ask yourself: Is this relationship progressing? Am I being treated with respect and consideration? Would I want my future daughter to be treated this way? Sometimes we need to face uncomfortable truths about what we've been accepting.

2. Reset your boundaries with clarity

If you're in a situationship or casual arrangement that you want to transform, directly discuss your needs and expectations. This might sound like: "I've enjoyed getting to know you, but I'm looking for a relationship with intention and clear progression. I'd like to know if you're also open to that."

3. Be prepared to walk away

This is the most difficult but crucial step. If someone isn't willing to meet your need for clarity and intention, choosing to leave demonstrates self-respect. Remember that staying in a situation that doesn't serve your highest good keeps you from finding someone who will.

4. Create space for courtship

Reduce the number of people you're dating simultaneously. The courtship mindset thrives on focused attention, not divided interest. This might mean deleting dating apps or being more selective about who receives your time and energy.

5. Shift your communication patterns

Move away from primarily digital connections (texts, social media) to more meaningful forms of communication (phone calls, in-person dates). Courtship flourishes when there's space for honest conversation, not just convenient exchanges.

6. Practice receiving mode

If you've been managing and controlling your dating life, experiment with being more receptive. This doesn't mean being passive—it means allowing yourself to observe a potential partner's actions without trying to direct every outcome. Notice whether they're consistent, respectful, and intentional without your prompting.

7. Articulate your timeline

In a world of endless situationships, it's revolutionary to have expectations about relationship progression. Be clear about your desire for a relationship that's moving toward something defined, whether that's exclusivity, commitment, or eventually marriage, if that's your goal.

What's remarkable about implementing these changes is how quickly they filter out connections that would ultimately leave you unfulfilled. When I shifted to this approach after years of chasing ambiguous relationships, the difference was immediate and unmistakable. Men who weren't serious naturally fell away, while those with genuine intentions were drawn to this approach's clarity and self-respect.

Remember that changing your approach doesn't guarantee immediate results with a specific person—but it does guarantee that you'll stop investing precious time in connections that aren't serving your higher purpose. The quality of your dating life will invariably improve when you no longer participate in relationships that don't honor your worth.

Setting the Stage for Courtship

For women looking to move beyond transactional dating and into meaningful courtship, the journey begins with setting clear intentions—both for yourself and for potential partners.

1. Know your worth beyond what you can offer

Before entering the dating scene, clarify your intrinsic value—not just what you bring to a relationship in terms of looks, career success, or personality, but your fundamental worth as a human being deserving of respect and genuine connection.

2. Communicate intentions early

Rather than dancing around the "what are we" conversation, bring clarity early. This doesn't mean demanding commitment on the first date, but instead sharing what you're ultimately looking for in a relationship.

3. Pay attention to progression

Courtship has momentum and direction. If you've been seeing someone for months and the relationship isn't deepening or progressing, it's likely transactional. True courtship involves growing closeness and increased commitment over time.

4. Value actions over words

In courtship, consistency matters more than intensity. A man who shows up reliably and demonstrates growing investment through actions offers something far more valuable than passionate texts or occasional grand gestures.

5. Set comfortable boundaries around intimacy

Physical intimacy creates powerful bonds but can cloud judgment early in relationships. Many women embracing courtship are choosing to delay physical intimacy until emotional connection and commitment are established.

Attracting Quality Through Standards

Perhaps the most surprising discovery women make when embracing courtship is that having standards doesn't limit their options—it elevates them.

Men who are genuinely interested in building something meaningful typically welcome clarity and direction. By setting clear expectations early, women attract partners who value commitment rather than convenience.

This represents a fundamental shift in thinking about attraction. Rather than worrying about being "too much" or scaring away potential partners, women embracing courtship recognize that their standards aren't obstacles to connection—they're the foundation.

A Return to Meaning

The beauty of modern courtship is that it doesn't require women to abandon their independence or ambitions. Unlike outdated notions of courtship that often positioned women as passive recipients of male attention, today's courtship can be a mutual journey of discovery between equals.

The key distinction is that courtship isn't about restricting freedom—it's about creating the security that makes true freedom possible. When relationships are clear, intentional, and progressive, both partners can bring their authentic selves to the connection without the anxiety and guesswork that plague more casual arrangements.

By stepping away from the transactional dating model, women are improving their romantic prospects and reclaiming their power to define relationships on their terms. They declare that their time, attention, and hearts are valuable resources to invest in wisely rather than commodities to be traded.

It's worth remembering that despite how rare it might seem, there are men who desire to court women properly—men who find fulfillment in showing up consistently, communicating clearly, and building something meaningful with intention. These men aren't fictional characters from another era; they exist today, often feeling as frustrated with disposable dating culture as the women they hope to connect with.

When women create space for courtship and communicate their desire for something more intentional, they allow these men to step forward and show who they truly are. 

The truth is that many men are eager to rise to the occasion when given the chance. Courtship isn't just something men do for women—it's an expression of their character, values, and desire for meaningful connection. By expecting more, we invite men to be more, creating a dynamic where both partners can thrive in the clarity and security that intentional relationship-building provides.

The revolution begins with one woman at a time deciding she deserves more than the transaction—and discovering, perhaps to her surprise, that there are men who have been waiting all along to offer exactly that.