Quiz: What’s Your Toxic Trait in Friendships? (And How Can You Heal It?)

Sometimes a friend breakup can be more devastating than a romantic breakup. If you’ve ever been in a situation where it seems like you’re friends one day and strangers the next, you might be left wondering what happened. And, at the risk of putting it too bluntly, you might be the one at fault. 

Answer these questions to see which toxic friendship trait might be sabotaging your relationships, and how to heal from them. 

1. You get a FaceTime call from your bestie while you know she’s on vacation with her boyfriend. Suddenly it hits you: She’s calling to tell you she’s engaged. What’s your gut reaction?

A: You’re so excited, but low-key start thinking of all the commitments this means: The bridal shower, bachelorette party, dress shopping, helping her plan, etc. Life is about to get busy and you’re not sure you’re ready for it. 

B: Yes! Your girl is getting married!! You can’t wait to start planning with her. Whatever she needs, you’ll be there. 

C: You’re so happy for her! (And start to wonder if you’ll be asked to be a bridesmaid.) 

D: That’s great! It does seem like maybe she’s rushing things…(You’ve been with your guy way longer, after all.) But hey, good for her!

2. Which character do you relate to most? 

A: Maggie Carpenter in Runaway Bride 

B: Pam Beesly in The Office 

C: Cady Heron in Mean Girls 

D: Monica Geller in Friends

3. You get some concerning health news about one of your parents. How do you share the news with your friends?

A: The thought of telling people is too overwhelming. If it comes up in conversation, you’ll mention it. But it’s too stressful to handle right now. 

B: You write up a long, thoughtful text going over every detail and explaining how you’re feeling. After all, that’s what you’d want if your friend was in this situation so that you could best support her.

C: You’re hesitant to tell people, even the friends you consider your closest. Everyone’s got enough on their plate already. You decide to only tell them if things get worse.

D: Fire off a text in your bestie group chat right away. This is big news and you’re pretty sure none of them have ever dealt with this before.

4. Where can we find you during a bachelorette party weekend?

A: In your room, introverting for a minute. (Just kidding, kind of.)

B: You’re the organizer. You set up the itinerary, organized the meals, and booked the house. Now you’re making sure the bride-to-be is having the most perfect stress-free bachelorette experience ever. 

C: Making small talk and doing your best to get to know the other girls. You want to make sure everyone is having fun and feels included.

D: You’re the one who breaks out the party games! Truth or dare Jenga? Bring it on. 

5. You step away from your phone for an hour and come back to a hundred texts. The group chat exploded, and you have some catching up to do. What do you do?

A: Quickly scan the thread to make sure you didn’t miss anything important and move on with your life.

B: Read and respond to every text individually, even if it’s just a thumbs up. 

C: Read through it multiple times to make sure you didn’t miss anything directly related to you. 

D: There’s no way you’re reading a hundred texts. Say something like “Ah sorry I don’t have time to read all of these right now.”

6. Your friend cancels plans on you at the last minute. She said she had a super busy week and just needs a night to relax at home. How do you respond? 

A: Tell her it’s no problem at all! After all, you probably canceled on her last time. 

B: Tell her you understand and offer to help with anything she needs. 

C: Say “No worries!” while worrying that she’s secretly mad at you. 

D: Think to yourself, “Oh good. I’m swamped anyway. She thinks she’s busy? I’m definitely busier.”

7. You meet your friend for coffee and she asks about your recent break up. What do you say? 

A: Downplay it. Tell her you’ve moved on (even though you cried yourself to sleep last night).

B: Unload on her. Spill all the details on how you’re coping, what you said to him last, when you think you’ll be ready to start dating again. She’s your friend and you want her help. 

C: Tell her you’re upset but gloss over the nitty gritty details. She probably doesn’t want to know everything.

D: Take the opportunity to tell her how awful the relationship was and how terrible he was to you the whole time. Even if you are exaggerating a little bit, it feels good to get it out.

8. Which three words describe you best?

A: Independent, free-thinker, creative 

B: Generous, thoughtful, outgoing 

C: Caring, empathetic, soft spoken 

D: Hard-working, achiever, persistent  

9. Your friend invites you and your guy on a double date with her new boyfriend. The date goes alright, but something about him feels off. In short, you don’t think they're a good match. What do you say to her?

A: Nothing. They’re still so new, and chances are she’ll see the lack of chemistry for herself soon enough. If things get more serious, then maybe you’ll bring it up.

B: Wait until she asks what you think of him, and then tell her the truth. She asked, after all. 

C: Tell her he seems great and you’d love to go out with them again! As long as she’s happy, right?

D: Text her as soon as the date is over and tell her you got a weird vibe. There’s no point in sugarcoating it. 

Mostly As: The Ghost Girl

When the going gets tough, you get going. Hate to say it, but your friends have learned you’re not always reliable, especially when your personal life feels chaotic. 

When you’re overwhelmed, your instinct is to check out. Instead, learn to check in, as in, check in with your girls. Let them know what’s stressing you out, even if it’s just a quick text. You were never meant to do life alone. Learn to receive support from the people who love you and you’ll cultivate stronger relationships.

Mostly Bs: The Over-Giver

There’s no doubt you’re a great friend. So great, in fact, that it might be wearing you thin. (And making you come across as overbearing.)

If you feel like you’re constantly pouring yourself into friendships and not getting the same level of support in return, you might be the over-giver. Generosity is a virtue, but when you give and you give, and you don’t get anything back, resentment brews. And as any expert will tell you, resentment in a relationship is a surefire way for it to die a slow, painful death.  

Here’s the thing: You don’t need to do so much. A good friend will love you for you, not for what they can get out of your friendship. Consider this your permission to take a break. (Not to mention, this will help you separate the real friends from the ones who take pleasure in sucking the life out of you.)

Mostly Cs: The Validation Seeker

Your problem is that you’re not confident in the friendship, so you’re constantly looking for signs to validate you as a friend. You’re worried that the people you consider friends don’t consider you a friend back, or at least not on the same level you do. That can lead to feelings of awkwardness which can cause people to be unsure of whether you actually want to connect on a deeper friendship level.

The best thing you can do? Accept the fact that people like you and enjoy having you around! Let go of any feelings of self consciousness and let yourself have fun with your girls!

Mostly Ds: The Competitor 

You’ve been told that not everything is a competition, but it still hasn’t registered. To put it bluntly: Your friends feel like they can’t be real with you because you’re constantly trying to one-up them. There’s nothing wrong with having a competitive edge. But when that edge gets in the way of having meaningful, long-lasting friendships, then it’s a sign for you to reel in your need to always be top dog. 

Remember that your friends love who you are as a person, regardless of your accomplishments. In fact, they might love you even a little bit more if you let them see your vulnerable side.