Off Limits: The Psychology Behind Pursuing Taken Men

Psychological research suggests that 10 to 20 percent of new relationships among heterosexual couples are formed from mate poaching. This is when a person actively pursues an individual who they know is in a committed relationship. It’s an incredibly unhealthy way to find a partner, as so many people end up hurt and experience psychological wounds, and the poacher usually acts this way due to their own personal shortcomings.

A high-profile example of this in recent years is Ariana Grande, who has faced criticism for entering into relationships with men who were reportedly in other relationships. Although the full details have remained private, the romantic timelines of a few of her relationships have led some to question whether her romantic patterns align with mate poaching.

Although both men and women engage in mate poaching, they do so for different reasons. Men tend to be motivated by short-term sexual encounters and sexual variety, and they also use more opportunistic mating strategies. Women, on the other hand, prefer pursuing long-term relationships when mate poaching, and it usually has to do with validation and copying other women.

Mate Poaching

Mate copying is a psychological term that is found across species. In humans, this behavior is highlighted when an individual finds potential partners more attractive if they are already desired by others, usually when that person is in a relationship. Studies have shown that women often rate men as more attractive when they are in a romantic relationship, suggesting that a man’s partnered status enhances his desirability. Because a man has been chosen as worthy of being in a relationship by one woman, he must have desirable characteristics, such as being physically attractive, loyal, funny, or wealthy, for example.

“Mate copying definitely comes into play here as many of these women have a shaky sense of self so they look to copy what other seemingly successful women are doing rather than find their own path,” says dating expert Nicole Moore.

However, mate copying is distinctly different from mate poaching. Mate copying simply means an individual may make choices about who they partner up with by “copying” the mate preferences of same-sex individuals. Mate poaching, on the other hand, involves action. A woman who is mate poaching will actively pursue someone who they know is in a relationship with the intention of prying a person away from their partner. They deem the person in the relationship as of higher value. By “stealing” him, it validates their own worth and therefore their desirability.

Another reason why someone may mate poach is a person’s personality traits. An individual who has a high sociosexual orientation (willingness to engage in sexual activity outside of committed relationships) is far more likely to mate poach. They’re also more likely to be narcissists. 

Mate Scarcity

“Where have all the good men gone?” is a common trope in today’s dating landscape, and this mindset may be contributing to mate poaching. According to a study published in The Journal of Sex Research, when individuals believe there is a shortage of potential mates, they are more willing to engage in mate poaching. The study also found that this was most likely caused by an increased fear of being single and a heightened intrasexual competitiveness (an increased tendency to compete with members of the same sex for access to desirable mates).

Self-Esteem

Both high and low self-esteem contribute to mate poaching. People who have an elevated self-esteem often perceive themselves as more attractive and desirable, which can lead to increased confidence in pursuing people who are already committed.

Conversely, individuals with low self-esteem may also engage in mate poaching, but for very different reasons. These women often need to be chosen over another woman to feel validated and boost their self-esteem. “For some of these women, going after an unavailable man serves as a way to boost self-esteem, since it may feel like an achievement to ‘win’ someone hard to get - and who is harder to get than someone who has already been claimed? Essentially the thinking is: 'If I can get a high value man, then I must be a high value woman,'” says psychotherapist and self-esteem specialist Francesca Harland.

Insecure Attachment Style

People who have an avoidant or insecure attachment style often value their independence and may be uncomfortable with emotional intimacy. If they are pursuing a short-term, uncommitted encounter, they most likely prefer emotional distance, which they are sometimes more likely to find with partnered individuals. 

“From a psychological perspective, some women prefer to pursue an emotionally distant partner, which serves as a protective strategy against the fear of vulnerability. You never have to worry about deep emotional pain from someone you keep at a distance. This perspective is very closely linked to attachment theory (specifically insecure attachment styles),” continues Harland.

The Dangers of Mate Poaching

For a woman, one of the downsides to being poached by another man is that a woman may actually end up leaving their relationship for a lower value mate. Some women report feeling lower satisfaction, as well as higher jealousy and infidelity.

If a woman or a man poaches another, they may become a social outcast because of their predatory behavior. Plus, mate poaching tends to undermine trust and commitment within relationships. In turn, this contributes to the erosion of social norms around fidelity and monogamous relationships, which is why it’s so important to call it out when we see it to avoid it becoming normalized. “One of the difficulties socially is that the 'forbidden love' trope has been normalised in popular culture, and I think this only serves to perpetuate the idea that we should want what we can’t have and that this is an acceptable thing to act on,” says psychotherapist Francesca Harland.

The irony of mate poaching is that as soon as a taken man or woman has been poached, they’re not really a desirable mate anymore, as they’ve already shown a lack of loyalty and fidelity. And as past behavior tends to indicate future behavior, it’s likely the poached partner could be tempted by another in the future.

Plus, it’s important to ensure the poacher doesn’t take all the blame. It’s certainly poor, immoral behavior, however, it is your boyfriend or husband’s responsibility to resist the advances of another woman. It’s incredibly important that as a society we aren’t influenced by mate poaching being glamorized in Hollywood films like The Notebook and The Choice, but we can also do so from a compassionate lens. “I’ve worked with women who have dated taken men in the past and they almost always had very deep abandonment wounds and deep desires to finally be chosen because they felt so unworthy of being chosen earlier in life… While we should never normalize women pursuing taken men or make it okay, we should encourage these women to pursue inner growth and self-esteem boosting activities so they stop hurting themselves and others due to their unhealed love wounds,” says dating expert Nicole Moore.