Making Everyone Miserable Is a Strange Way to Save the World

I hate to break it to the internet. But making everything your hill to die on is not a flex. It’s not really accomplishing anything other than making everybody miserable. We’ve officially turned into the No Fun Club: a collection of self-loathing people who have sucked the happiness out of entertainment, escapism, motherhood, sex, relationships, and any reason for living, basically. Why on God’s green earth did Ed Sheeran’s stadium tour become a knockoff U.N. Assembly on the Middle East? Why did Sydney Sweeney’s basketballs become the latest threat to women’s existence ? Why is Sophie Cunningham simply living and having fun as a badass female athlete a sin for… some reason? Enjoyment is now a political endorsement, and neutrality is a crime of complicity. Enjoyment is now a political endorsement, and neutrality is a crime of complicity. I’m convinced people will argue the sky is green at this point because blue is somehow problematic. Put cream in your coffee and suddenly you’re accused of whitewashing it. The gym will be certifiably toxic for promoting beauty standards. Just when I thought the Prohibition on Joy couldn’t get any worse, I saw the reaction to Millie Bobby Brown . The 22-year-old actress has been dragged by the internet for the diabolical crime of… adopting two children with her husband. Told you. Atrocious. The audacity of giving two kids a beautiful home. We can’t be having that. Her reasons don’t matter. The fact that it’s none of our business doesn’t matter. Good deeds are borderline illegal now, too. Look out, Goodwill. They’re coming for you next. Our culture has not only made falling on the sword its only hobby, but also requires everyone else to follow suit. Anyone who doesn’t completely comply becomes a mortal enemy. (See: the Evie comments section on any number of culture-related posts.) Who died and made these people kings of the internet? MySpace Tom didn’t ask for this, and neither did we. My Top 8 was a thrill until we went rogue with the dopamine hit and confused having our own platforms with having jurisdiction over everyone else on them. This is why we can’t have nice things. Complaining doesn’t make you right, just as condemning someone doesn’t make you virtuous. People who preach freedom have an awful lot of demands. Sophie Cunningham represents just what modern women fought for as a wildly successful athlete who’s fierce in her convictions and unabashed in showing off her hot legs because she feels like it. But because she won’t fall on the sword of allowing biological men to compete in women’s sports, she’s on the WNBA’s most wanted list. Complaining doesn’t make you right, just as condemning someone doesn’t make you virtuous. Sydney Sweeney uses her sexuality to influence men and sell things, which has only been done since the dawn of time. But because she won’t apologize to the self-appointed Morality Police for appealing to men in her latest ad instead of calling them out, she and her tennis racket have apparently sent women back to the 1800s. Ed Sheeran’s opening act Macklemore gave a politically charged TED Talk on Sheeran’s stadium tour. Macklemore was then dropped when venue owner Robert Kraft said he wasn’t keen on inviting that into his own house. When the backlash erupted, Sheeran pointed to the promoters who make these calls and tried to stay in the middle. That wouldn’t do. Because he wasn’t morally outraged in solidarity with Macklemore, online mobs and in-person picketers came for him and his guitar. At the next show, fans who spent hundreds of dollars for live-music escapism instead got a political lecture from Sheeran doing the middleman tango… only for him to cry and apologize for the speech later. As a result, this performative merry-go-round leaves everyone spinning and no closer to progress. Could it be that, despite our fight against “control,” we love the taste of power ourselves, playing entitled little dictators who revel in the humiliation porn of scarlet letters and apology tours? Because once being offended becomes proof you’re a good person, someone else’s happiness starts to look like a threat. What is all this supposed liberation actually freeing us to do? If we can’t enjoy a concert, start a family, or disagree without being cross-examined, what exactly is the point? So again, I hate to break it to the hot-take givers. The boycotters. The celebrity acceptance speeches, PR apologies, and big, brave acts of defiance from stages or the “stolen land” of a seaside mansion infinity pool. We’re not saving the world. What is all this supposed liberation actually freeing us to do? We’re making ourselves dumber, unhappier, and substantially less fun to be around. Does anyone feel like we’re in a kinder, more vibrant, thriving society? Bueller? OK then. Perhaps it’s time to trade the Oppression Olympics for the Happiness Games. We as women have an opportunity to lead by example with something far more powerful than this mass psychosis: refusing to participate in it. What if, when our Twitter fingers impulsively went to tell off some mom influencer, we just… didn’t? What if we gave hot takes without veins popping out of our foreheads like Mount Etna? Held firm in our beliefs, yet showed respect for another opinion and still came out with a pulse? Crazy thought, but maybe the fairness we claim to champion could actually accomplish more without all the screaming. A truly confident, free woman isn’t threatened by another person’s thoughts, lifestyle, or opinions. Maybe she even welcomes them. She values laughter and healthy dopamine over digitally flogging her neighbors for their appropriated pumpkin pie recipe. If your version of world peace leaves everyone more hostile, divided, and bitter every step of the way, we may need to revisit the definition. And if we actually want a shot at making the world better, perhaps we should start with the comments section. We’ve made a competitive sport out of falling on swords. Maybe the next event should be actually helping someone. Game on.