Love does not conquer all. We need to become better at vetting who we marry.
We always hear the saying, “50% of marriages end in divorce,” but do you ever consider why this is?
Ask any divorced person, and they’ll usually give you reasons such as, “We should never have gotten married,” or “We had nothing in common,” or “He/she brought the worst out in me.”
Johnny Depp and Amber Heard Should Never Have Gotten Married
Johnny Depp and Amber Heard’s toxic relationship is a prime example of this. From their whirlwind romance to his substance abuse and their three-day assaults ordeal, the relationship was full of red flags from the beginning.
The two first hit it off when they met on the set of The Rum Diary in 2009. They became good friends and “officially” started dating in 2012, the same year Depp and long-term partner Vanessa Paradis announced their separation after dating for 14 years. Heard split up with her partner Tasya van Ree at the same time. They then got married in 2015, only to divorce one year later.
Two unhealthy people in a relationship is a recipe for disaster.
The pair jumped from one relationship to the next without reflecting on any unhealthy patterns or emotional baggage they were bringing with them. They were basically on a rebound and repeated their past mistakes with each other. This is one of the most common reasons why second and third marriages have a much higher divorce rate.
For example, USA Today reported that Heard was arrested in 2009 on a charge of hitting her ex-girlfriend van Ree. She was also physically abusive towards Depp, and he claimed that she was physically abusive to multiple ex-partners.
Depp has struggled with alcohol and substance abuse throughout his life and brought these problems into their marriage. Two unhealthy people in a relationship is a recipe for disaster, and they will bring out the worst in each other.
What can we learn from them so we don’t make the same mistakes and protect ourselves from becoming another divorce statistic? Here are the top things you should check before jumping into any new relationship, let alone a marriage.
Relationship Hopping Is Bad
Hopping from one relationship to the next can be dangerous if you haven’t healed from your previous relationship. When you don’t give yourself time to stop and breathe, self-reflect, and recover from any hurt, you’re doomed to repeat the same mistakes.
Rushing into another relationship can be a sign of running away from pain. Trying to fill the void by being with a new man will only delay the pain that will inevitably rear its ugly head — often at the expense of your wellbeing and your new partner.
Rushing into another relationship can be a sign of running away from pain.
Another common pitfall is to seek out a damaged partner to deflect and avoid your own problems. This not only delays critical issues that need to be addressed within yourself, but it sets your partner up in your mind as the physical manifestation of your problems. When you set them up as the issue to be solved, you’re not seeing them but a projection of your own neurosis. This will lead to you pushing them away as you have with the problems you’re too afraid to confront.
After a break-up, give yourself some time to be alone to do a bit of self-reflection and deal with your baggage and emotions appropriately. Avoid rebounds, so you don’t get caught up with another person who is wrong for you. Once you feel healed, healthy, and back to your happy self, you’ll be in a much stronger and healthier place to deal with men again.
Become Better at Vetting
Being with the wrong man can destroy your life, so it’s crucial to become super clear about your standards, boundaries, and intentions.
If you don’t know what these are, get a pen and notepad out and answer the following questions:
What do I want out of my next relationship? (e.g., a casual fling, a committed relationship, or marriage?)
What are my deal breakers? (e.g., commitment-phobes, substance abuse, political leanings, faith, he doesn’t want marriage or children, etc.)
What are my boundaries? (e.g., no sex before marriage, no cheating or lying, I won’t move to another state or country unless marriage is in the cards, etc.)
Understanding what you want out of a relationship and what your deal breakers are will help you filter out men who don’t pass muster.
Take Your Time with the Relationship
Take your time to get to know him and try not to fall in love too quickly. Don’t make the common mistake of confusing lust for love.
If you really want a relationship to be healthy and lasting, it’s essential to slow down and pace the relationship. If you do find yourself falling for him and think he could be “the one,” make sure he meets all your values, standards, and boundaries.
Test Each Other’s Character
Don’t be afraid to test each other. Is he trying to achieve his dreams and aspirations, or is he the kind of person who is waiting for someone to do it for him? Test him by asking leading questions that encourage him to reveal what he’s doing to make his dreams happen.
Are you worried or embarrassed about things in your past? You should feel comfortable sharing these details with the man you’re planning to marry. If it’s an integral part of you, he should care about you enough to accept them.
You should feel comfortable sharing your past with the man you’re planning to marry.
Finally, introduce him to that friend or family member who doesn’t take crap from anyone and can spot trouble from a mile away. We all know someone like this! Let them ask him hard questions and make him sweat a little.
Our friends and family can often see things with more objective distance because they aren’t emotionally invested. Remember that a good friend or your family will always have your best interest at heart.
When embarking on a new relationship, it’s good to bear these tips in mind. Hopefully, they will help you make better and more rational choices with finding your Mr. Right.