Is There an Epidemic of Frumpiness?

In the early stages of a romance, you put your best foot forward. You show up to first dates dressed for the occasion; you might even performatively order a salad over a burger or convince him you don't use the bathroom. Whatever the lengths you'll go to, there's some element of performance, and at some point in your established relationship, he gets to see behind the curtain. This is something of a relief. You no longer have to maintain a facade of perfection. But does that mean the jig is up, and you no longer have to participate in the show at all? Countless debates have raged online over modesty: what is appropriate to wear, especially for women who are getting older and becoming mothers, and how to navigate remaining sexy and fashionable enough for your husband, who married one version of you only to get saddled with another. Men aggrieved by their increasingly unfashionable and allegedly sexless wives are declaring war on frump and begging for a resurgence of effort. As for where women stand, they seem caught between a rock and a hard place, trying to balance the modest-to-the-world-but-maximally-sexy-to-my-husband ratio that would please everyone. Heartbreaking: Bodycon Dress Victim of Fashion Murder in Millennial Closet After a woman announced on X in a candid personal anecdote that she was upsetting her husband by throwing out her "pre-baby hot girl clothes," his favorite low-cut mini dresses included, she unwittingly started a war of sensibilities on fashion and sex appeal. She claimed her dating-era sexy clothes had to go because she's "someone's mom now," and men and women took their places along the Madonna-whore complex spectrum. Seeing that season of her life as behind her, she performed the womanhood ritual of aligning her aesthetic, wardrobe and all, with her new identity. But men, and even some women, were scandalized. Some claimed that she was neglecting her husband by forgetting to prioritize his desire or that eliminating her identity as a "sex object" was a signal of what was to come: a dead bedroom. "You might think this is just superficial. But since clothes reflect identity and vice-versa, when a woman stops dressing sexily, it affects more than just what she wears, but how she relates to her sexuality altogether. So inevitably the laziness creeps into the bedroom," tweeted dating and relationship coach Pat Stedman. Another user, @lizzystardussst, advised her to keep the skimpy clothes and wear them around the house on occasion. "Trust me on this. Those dresses move mountains," she said . While others piled on to the "moms can be hot, actually" discourse, the original poster clarified her donation bag of 2010s-era bodycon dresses was not, in fact, a signal that she was pledging allegiance to the Amish, but an acknowledgment that she doesn't plan on hitting the club anytime soon. "I actually still think I'm pretty and I dress very well, just not wearing club clothes anymore," she clarified . While some were scorning the original poster for insufficiently valuing her husband's gaze, others were appalled by the idea that women should have to try at all to stoke their husband's desire. "Sex object? That isn't anything to aspire to. Also, my husband puts the most moves on me when I'm dressed like this," tweeted @mrs_alyse, whose bio identifies her as a Christian homemaker and writer, along with a mirror selfie taken in sweats and a messy bun. Many women interpreted this tweet as a humblebrag. "I don't even have to try to look good; my husband just won't keep his hands off of me, unlike you other women who have to put effort in," is not exactly what she said, but it's what most women heard. The debate continued, with one woman finding it perplexing why so many women on X don't want to be hot and sexy for their husbands. Other women were just as mystified : "Why is everyone so frumpy? Nobody is chic anymore. Nobody cares about good clothes and makeup anymore. It makes me really sad," said one woman in a since-deleted tweet. This might be nothing more than the leeches on X who can't help but smell weakness in the unsuspecting woman sharing a lighthearted anecdote about her personal life. You could tweet you like apples, and someone in the comments section would respond, "But what about bananas?" Well, I don't know, because this is an apple orchard! While it's entirely valid for OP to be frustrated and I'm not here to litigate her wardrobe, the larger questions this discourse has stirred up about the value of putting your best self forward are worth dissecting. To Frump or Not to Frump What does it even mean to be frumpy? Merriam-Webster provides two useful definitions: "dressed in an unattractive way" or, referring to clothing, "not attractive: having an old, dull, unflattering, or untidy appearance." Like most aesthetic concerns, there is a subjective element at play. But frumpiness is also somewhat of a "you know it when you see it" deal. Just as with paintings, architecture, or facial attractiveness, we may not uniformly agree on what looks best, but we agree pretty reliably on what looks bad. The usual suspects are potato sacks with no structure passing for dresses, anything in the color Pantone 448C, and, despite recent trends trying to lead me astray, capris. I should get ahead of the frumpy allegations myself, right here, right now. I have to confess, "Why is everyone so frumpy these days?" is a plausible question someone might ask themselves if they caught a glimpse of me on my way to dance class. In my defense, my sweatpants and sneakers, paired with a little crop top or baggy jersey, are not only the essential uniform in my hip-hop and commercial choreography classes but also a badge of swagger that somehow makes you a better dancer. Alas, there is a time and a place for such dripped-out swag, and while my dance class or, dare I suggest, even the bus ride to dance class qualifies, it would certainly become grating if that were the only thing I ever wore. What's one person's frump in one context can be the pinnacle of style in another. Standards and trends themselves also change every few years. Millennials of the 2010s wouldn't be caught dead with a pair of pants that didn't cling to your calf for its dear life. Today's zoomers, on the other hand, would rather be exiled from society than even have to look at a skinny jean. But if we're being radically honest with ourselves, if the conversation is "Should you put in some effort to keep the excitement and attraction palpable in your relationship?" the answer should be a resounding yes. I've considered the objections, feminist and otherwise. None of them make any sense to me. If the objection is, "Why aren't men held to similar standards of style and grooming?" my answer is: they should be. Hold him to those standards. If the objection is, "It's degrading to put effort into your appearance for the approval of a man, even if that man is someone I've legally committed to and reproduced with," then why care about anything, ever? There is no compelling reason appearance should be the sole domain in which effort suddenly becomes degrading. Why even wear pants if everything is a burdensome social construct? Or is there some value to presenting yourself in a way that exudes respectability? We are constantly seeking others' approval. We are social beings. We seek the approval of work colleagues, friends, family, and even strangers. Why is it only some status-lowering, embarrassing quality when it's your husband you like to make happy? If the objection is, "I already got him, we made a forever commitment, so I don't need to do those things anymore. He likes me the way I am," well, my sweet summer child, do you really cease having standards for your husband just because you've committed? Does he no longer need to shower because you already married him? Clean up after himself? Show interest in you? Take you on dates? Presumably not. Relationships break down for all sorts of reasons, but whether romantic, platonic, or familial, one of the most important ingredients to keeping a connection alive is effort. If you have a superficial relationship with your family, you might end up "no contact." If your friend is constantly bailing on you at the last minute, you'd call them a bad friend. There is no compelling reason appearance should be the sole domain in which effort suddenly becomes degrading. Putting effort into your appearance, even if you are not Miss Zendaya herself, has not-so-secret benefits for mood, productivity, and self-esteem. Self-presentation has always been a powerful psychological tool. Yet it's never been more tempting to neglect it than in a society that enables us to be lazy and selfish at every turn. We may work from home. We may feel safe in numbers, noting how many other people are wearing pajamas at the grocery store. We may decide that the benefits of putting effort into our appearance no longer justify the time and energy it takes. Bella Figura: Making a Good Impression Writer and cartoonist Cartoons Hate Her, in a recent Substack essay , made a poignant case for looking better for your spouse than you do for your coworkers. "By putting forth the type of effort you might expend on a first or second date … you can increase the degree of excitement both of you feel in the marriage and reduce that feeling of complacency." CHH realized that earlier in her marriage, she put a lot of effort into her outfits for work, but as soon as she got home, her nice clothes came off and were replaced by baggy, uncoordinated, and often stained loungewear. "I dressed up really nicely around people with whom I did not want to have sex, including my manager who I actually loathed, but then I returned home and looked like crap for the one person with whom I did want to have sex." It's funny, but it exposes a real disconnect between the push to free ourselves from the male gaze specifically, even if that gaze belongs to someone we've fundamentally tied ourselves to for life, in favor of the approval of virtually everyone else. As CHH points out, this seemingly endless barrage of excuses for contributing to the drabness of the world seems rather exclusive to the United States. "Americans do still have some free time, and we have mostly decided that 'attracting your spouse' is a ridiculous, unnecessary endeavor which adds nothing but extra stress to your life." In Italy, maintaining a polished appearance is deeply entrenched in the fabric of society. Sure, Europeans may have more time off and more robust social safety nets than we Americans do. Even so, they don't tend to splurge frivolously or maintain some ridiculous standard of maintenance. It's just that the American mindset is to operate at either 0 or 100. Rather than being nutritionally educated and mindful of our portions, we do extreme diets and punishing workouts. Instead of holding ourselves to a beauty standard of put-together minimalism, we spend untold amounts on endless products, beauty treatments, and enhancements as if they will replace the endless need for self-presentation. Instead of putting some effort into dressing professionally or, at the very least, not like a slob, we hope these eyelash extensions, fake nails, brow tint, and Botox treatments will distract from it. Instead of doing the boring, thankless work of holding ourselves to some basic minimum standard, we try to throw money at problems so we never have to think about them again. Culturally, that's the complete antithesis of the Italian concept " bella figura ," which literally translates to making a good impression. In Italy, maintaining a polished appearance is deeply entrenched in the fabric of society, in part a carryover from the days when small Italian villages and economic scarcity meant that reputation was credit , and dressing properly signaled your family was in good standing. While conditions have changed, values haven't. Through generations, Italians have passed down the value of looking chic in the lowest of stakes, internalizing it as a matter of " dignity, hospitality, and politeness ." I highly doubt Italians consider it unpaid emotional labor for the Italian gaze, though. Inspiring Yourself to Dress Better I sympathize with frumpy girls, because I've been there. Your "why" to dress better and inhabit a more stylish, confident version of yourself doesn't have to be tethered to a man; there's just nothing shameful about it if it is . I've gone through seasons of my life that have been like whiplash for my sense of style, effort, and confidence. From a young age, I was delusionally excitable. I have entire photo albums of me "making my own designs" (tying the sleeves of my dress into a halter neck as I saw in Aquamarine ) and "modeling" (having my mom take photos of me posing in front of trees). I've had more phases than the moon, tried on just about every aesthetic, and even burned out completely when the awkwardness of teenage acne and weight gain robbed me of the desire to try at all. It is very important, whatever your reason, that you don't give up on yourself. To not care about what articles of clothing adorn your body, to walk past mirrors to avoid your reflection, to have no true preference or sense of style, is a kind of self-erasure. Taking pride in your appearance, as the Italians do, is an expression of self-respect and inner confidence. It's a way of announcing to the world, "I have a place here, and I matter." You can add to the beauty of the world, or you can take from it. Ideally, this belief that you could plausibly add to the beauty of the world would rise from within yourself, but sometimes it takes seeing yourself through the eyes of another, someone who's truly in love with you and sees the beauty you've taken for granted, to see yourself and your potential clearly. The first step is recognizing you do have something beautiful to offer the world, and you owe it to yourself to live up to it. Putting effort into your appearance is the most embodied form of self-care. It's one thing to claim that you "love yourself"; it's another thing to continually show up for yourself when no one's expecting you to. We can talk endlessly about exceptions, or we can talk about the ways that you can look and feel better where you can. For me, it was a million micro-habits compounding throughout the day that told me I matter, from doing my makeup in the morning even if I'm only working from a laptop at home (your written word feels so much more consequential with a full beat) to blow-drying my hair so it's sleek rather than air-drying it into a fluffy, apathetic ball. It was wearing my heeled booties and a sharp blazer to go to the grocery store. It was actually picking out and wearing jewelry; something I abandoned sometime in my adolescence because I couldn't be fussed about something so "inconsequential." It was wearing real pants, not sweatpants or pajamas, during my remote workday. I don't always do these things. In fact, I often don't. But when I do, I'm more productive, my partner's glances linger longer, and I feel insulated from the day's troubles. You can add to the beauty of the world, or you can take from it. There's an old belief that a person's room is closely connected to their psychological state. A room in total disarray is a warning sign of a chaotic mind. This is why clinical psychologist Jordan Peterson advised that the first step to improving your life is to set your room in order. Similarly, an outward appearance that has become disheveled and frumpy, stripped of signature style, can be a signal of apathy, if not depression or low self-esteem. Just like decluttering your room can be the first step to decluttering your mind, dressing up can be the first step to feeling confident and stylish again. You should want to look good for your man, for society in general, but most importantly, for yourself, because you have standards. Sometimes we don't have the cognitive bandwidth for anything but frump. Just make it a detour rather than your destination.