I Have An Ivy-League Degree And I Plan On Staying Home With My Kids. Here's Why.

Having graduated from a top university and accomplished quite a bit as both a student and young professional, conversations about relationships, family, and future careers are constant. As an intelligent, capable, and ambitious young woman, I’ve often faced a constant dilemma shared among other successful women: what happens if and when we choose to get married and have a family? What about our careers? Our career isn’t necessarily just a paycheck or financial security, it's part of our identity and ideally a field we sincerely enjoy working in. 

The most obvious and frequent answer I’ve received is this: outsource childcare as much as possible, especially daycare, and focus on your career. Indeed, this advice makes rational sense. If I’ve worked hard at a job for years, taking a break would inevitably hinder future promotions and create less visibility in the workplace. 

But my gut signals a different answer: An intelligent woman can, and should, utilize her academic, interpersonal, and learned life skills to raise successful children who will meaningfully contribute to the world. Choosing a more hands-on approach is not a lesser or “time-wasting” career break. I believe it's arguably one of the most important and difficult jobs that should be held in high regard. 

But this is not to be dismissive of the hard work I, and many other women, have put into their careers and professional life. Indeed, we should be proud of our accomplishments and what we’ve built. However, when a woman (and man) make the critical decision to bring children into the world, their well-being must take precedence in the early years. Erica Komisar, LCSW, a renowned author and psychoanalyst on childhood development, emphasizes that age 0-3 is a "critical period of brain development where children need attachment security as a foundation for future mental health.” In other words, children are not born resilient, they are emotionally fragile and need a mother’s unique biological, physical, and emotional presence to regulate and soothe children. The more present parents can be from ages 0-3, the greater the chance their children will be able to cope with adversity and achieve success later on into adulthood. 

The more present parents can be from ages 0-3, the greater the chance their children will be able to cope with adversity and achieve success later on into adulthood. 

Regarding continuing my career or even starting a business, both accomplishments do not have a rigid time limit. The average age of U.S. women entrepreneurs is around 42, with the most successful women startup founders between the ages of 45 and 54. In fact, many accomplished women cite motherhood and increased life experience as reasons for successfully cultivating and launching a business. On another note, a husband and wife coming together to build a family business that offers flexibility, security, and fulfillment allows women to prioritize motherhood while still contributing to the business. Several studies demonstrate the positive impact of female entrepreneurship on children’s development and confidence.

As Erica Komisar says, “We can have everything, but not at the same time.” And while some women may interpret such a statement as a limitation, I’d argue that Komisar’s claim is both practical and beautiful. When we choose to get married and become a mom, we enter different phases of life, distinct from our early 20s post-college predictable career schedule. We should make space for different seasons of life and learn to cherish them, both for our well-being and that of our children. A career or business idea will always be there, but childhood only happens once. We will spend most of our lives knowing our children as adults, yet only a handful of years with them as babies. Why not make the most of the moments we can never get back?

Aside from the real biological and psychological reasons for staying home in the early years, many women still feel discouraged and feel as if staying at home is "unsuccessful.” But success for a woman should not be measured by her increasing, linear career progression because it's simply unfair. Men do not bear the physical and psychological burden of pregnancy, so why should we as women compare success to that of a man? Not to mention, even if a woman does not have children, she does not opt out of the regular menstrual cycle and challenging menopause phase later in life. 

Choosing to stay at home in the first few years is not just beneficial to the child, but also to the new mom. Postpartum recovery is not optional, it is essential. Within just three to four days postpartum, estrogen levels drop 100 to 1,000 fold from their third-trimester peak, plummeting to below pre-pregnancy levels, and it can take up to half a year or longer for hormones to fully adjust. And this is assuming a normal, healthy delivery. The months following childbirth present heightened vulnerability to depressive mood changes, in addition to drastic physical changes and sleep deprivation. I could not bear the thought of only having the standard 10 weeks off (sometimes even unpaid), before clocking back into an in-person commuting job as if nothing has changed. As women, we should honor and nourish our bodies after such a brave and honorable act of bringing life into the world. 

The secondary argument I’ve often encountered is that by staying at home, I’ll turn into nothing but a live-in maid with no meaning or intellect. But I beg to differ. Smart women know how to delegate and wisely schedule their time. Delegating looks like communicating with your husband on what you need support with and outsourcing help as needed. In the early years, infants require 24/7 care, but once a child becomes slightly more independent, this is a great time to develop other skills. 

Intelligent women who wish to continue their studies and have an innate desire to continuously learn new skills simply make it happen. Whether that’s learning more about finance, design, writing, art, or health. I’ve frequently heard from women that having children actually helped them realize what type of work they truly enjoyed. Since having kids fills your schedule and energy up so quickly, you naturally figure out what it is you truly wish to focus on. And I’d argue that not having a full-time traditional 9-5 allows for flexibility to fit in childcare, personal career development or even a flexible side gig, and quality time with family without feeling burned out. 

A career or business idea will always be there, but childhood only happens once.

Motherhood burnout is not just stressful, but dangerous to her physical and psychological health, which naturally affects the family. Full-time working moms are constantly conflicted between a work culture that demands a minimum of 40 hours per week plus commuting, while still spending time with children and shouldering the majority of the domestic duties. While a husband can help as much as possible, children instinctively crave and need their mom for biological and psychological regulation. 

At the end of the day, while promotions and a glitzy corner view office may feel like the ultimate marker of success, the real accomplishment will be one day when I’m 60 years old and sit down on my couch knowing that I raised good children who I’m still close with and who contribute meaningfully to our society. My career accomplishments will not matter if my relationship with my children and husband are a mess, because of my active decision to make them second on my list of priorities during the early, most formative years. This is a painful type of regret I refuse to experience.