I Had Kids Before I Was Ready—5 Reasons You Should Too

Even as America’s birth rate plummets, couples are grappling with whether or not to have children . Many are especially hung up on the idea of readiness , and it’s understandable. Parenting is not for the faint of heart. Yet somehow I missed the preparation memo, faint heart and all. My husband and I welcomed a daughter less than a year after we tied the knot, and we kept right on following the parenting path she laid before us. Today, I’m 29 years old with five kids in tow. Was I prepared for this? Absolutely not. But here’s why I’d do it again in a heartbeat. Parenting Young Is the Historical and Biological Norm There’s wisdom in the ages, and a marriage blessed with children used to be the sought-after norm. In many cultures, it still is. When my fiancé and I announced our engagement to friends in West Africa, for example, the most frequent congratulatory response was “May God give you many, many children.” Back in America, only one or two of our friends were bold enough to utter the same benediction. After all, isn’t it enough to buck the cohabitation trend and get married? Having kids is another story. As a culture, we’ve yanked childbearing off the wall of family portraits and hung it instead in the gallery of personal preference. But kids deserve more than a spot on our journey of self-actualization . So, somewhere between African blessings and skepticism about birth control methods, my husband and I ended up with children. When our firstborn arrived, my husband was still in school, and we were living in a moldy basement apartment. We had not so much as a five-year plan, hardly an advisable launching pad for parenting . On the other hand, for basically all of human history, biology and marital status formed a joint litmus test for determining readiness to bear children. That is, if you were sexually mature and married, you had the green light. So, in that sense, we were as ready as we would ever be. Besides all that, is anyone ever fully prepared for a child? Even those who witness birth all the time, like the midwives who helped deliver my babies, talk of the beautiful gravity that babies immediately bring to a room. For one fraction of a second, that little baby is the newest life on earth. As G.K. Chesterton put it, “I doubt if anyone of any tenderness or imagination can see the hand of a child and not be a little frightened of it.” Becoming a Parent Immediately Redistributed My Priorities My second son started nursing seconds after he was born and hasn’t really stopped eating since, reminding me that children arrive on the scene with both acute and chronic needs. Raising children necessitates careful decision-making that takes both short and long-term needs into account. It’s because of this that priorities become immediately and immensely clear to people with kids. For young couples especially, this is a plus. Even the best of us are likely to misorder priorities. We’ve probably all seen this play out in our own histories. Take driving, for instance. When my husband and I first met, we were terrible drivers. If we weren’t speeding, we were pulling out the phone to send a quick text at a stop light (okay, that was mostly me). When a daughter was born into our arms and car seat, she cured us of those habits before we even pulled out of the driveway. It’s not like we had to sit down and map out a plan for change. Radical reform just happened. Of course, not all old habits die as readily as our driving ones did. Some require change by persistence and degree. In these cases too, children have a clarifying effect. Perhaps most comforting to me in this long work of parenting begun early in life is living with the hope that children infuse into each day. Consider finances. Married people are society's richest , which is understandable given the course of asset accumulation usually followed by those who get hitched. But parents are perhaps even more likely than their childless counterparts to aim for high financial goals and model good financial habits. Parental saving behavior, for example, has been found to be a key determinant of children saving behavior. One study found that 88% of participants' attitudes toward savings mirrored their parents’ attitudes , and parents are less likely to be in debt than childless couples. Even well-ordered priorities that don’t change with the arrival of children undergo a transformation of sorts. For me, going from parent in theory to parent in practice is like the progression from reading a piece of sheet music to hearing it played by a symphonic orchestra: The essence of the piece is the same in both experiences, but an audible melody deepens the impact. Parenting Keeps Me Humble and Focused Perhaps one of the scariest things about becoming a parent is that your ability to thrive in the role is utterly unknown. Before I had children, I’d see these sleep-deprived mothers happily bopping through the checkout line with their babies, and I’d think, “Could that really be me someday? I need a lot of sleep, and I prefer adults to children.” Well, five kids into this adventure, here’s the update: I need a lot of sleep, and I prefer adults to children. The amazing thing about kids is that they don’t care what you like, want, or even need. They just depend on you to care for them, and somehow you do. Right from the start, day in and day out, you feed them and clothe them and bathe them, all the while forfeiting things like regular adult interaction and hard-earned chiseled figures. The daily duties of parenting are a grind, and they constitute a mere baseline. Have you ever tried teaching a 2 year old how to build rather than destroy? Have you kept pace with a 5 year old’s philosophical and scientific inquiry? And don’t even get me started on mediating toddler disputes. And yet, the daily work of parenting is a gift. It forces fast people to slow down. It gives put-together people a chance to live with mess. It pulls lofty career goals off their pedestals, tempering them, as lawyer moms change diapers alongside teen moms. Perhaps most comforting to me in this long work of parenting begun early in life is living with the hope that children infuse into each day. In seasons of discouragement, I can persevere because working for their good is my joy. And besides, when it really comes down to it, my toddler will snuggle me right out of bed each morning whether I’m ready to go or not. Parenting Reveals My Own Heart but Keeps the Focus on Another’s Our culture is awash with self-improvement ideas, which can quickly produce a counterproductive self-focus or morbid introspection. But before there were self-improvement books, there were kids. Mine serve as sharpeners and mirrors, allowing me to shelve the navel-gazing while still undergoing transformation. Is there anything like raising a child to remind you of your own childishness? After all, is there anything like raising a child to remind you of your own childishness? Ask anyone who has kids what their experience has been. Mine has been devastating – in a good way. Let’s be real – before I had kids, I thought I was basically a package deal of all the virtues: patient, kind, humble, etc. Enter my children. The list turns out to be a picture of what I am not. In a family setting, there’s a lot of mess, relationally, materially, and otherwise. Because of this, there’s not a lot of margin for decisions about whether to give daily grace and mercy. Life’s chaos all but necessitates those things, or at least makes them extremely desirable. What ends up happening is a continual cycle of failure and forgiveness. In the midst of it, everybody grows. Kids Open Doors to Opportunities I Wouldn’t Have Otherwise Been Afforded Kids are a vehicle for the unexpected. They throw small curveballs, like spontaneous tea parties and water balloon fights in the middle of your work week. They throw big ones, like cross-country moves and interesting career decisions in the middle of your life goals. Along the way, parents learn adaptability and benefit from the blessing of changed plans. And it’s not just plans that change. The perspective and presence of children change the way you interact with people too. When my kids are with me in public, strangers talk to me like I’m an old friend. Kids are approachable, and they effortlessly disarm people. I love seeing pretenses drop as grown-ups share favorite colors and chat about best-in-class superhero powers. Even when my kids aren’t with me, the mention of them somehow puts people at ease. The rawness of children inspires, or perhaps demands, authenticity. This enriches everything from coffee chats to job interviews; and as parents, you get to continually witness the change that a cart of toothless grins can bring to an entire grocery store of shoppers, one by one. Just Go for It If you really are on the fence about whether to take the parenting plunge, here’s a simple truth for you to mull over: Children are a blessing, regardless of when they arrive. So come on, jump right into the parenting pool. We may be knee deep in diapers over here, but other than that, the water’s fine. 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