How To Survive College At An Ivy League School While Staying True To Your Values

My college years at Columbia University were spent figuring out how to do just that – finding the right balance between being open-minded to new experiences and backing away from activities and beliefs that were contrary to what I was comfortable with. I know that going against what’s popular and socially mainstream in college is hard, and there may be times you feel like giving in. That’s ok. Just know that there are always options available to you if you choose to back away from what’s popular on campus – underage drinking, hookup culture, illegal drug use, increasingly progressive political beliefs – and that it’s still very possible to graduate with close friendships, stellar grades, successful romantic relationships, and a bright future ahead.

Find Your Circle

Close friends with whom you can share everything, and I mean everything, can be the thing that saves you in college. Friends can give you a reality check before you embark on bad ideas; they can push you to reflect on how you’re changing and they can be your safety net during times of self-doubt. 

College culture may pressure you to hookup, do drugs, and party every weekend, and it can be hard to back away and say “no.” Close friends who share your values will be there for you when you feel pressured to do things against your belief system, and suggest fun, relaxing alternatives like studying at a library, going out to lunch or dinner, movie nights, sleepovers, traveling, going to the gym, or attending the theater.

Friends can push you to reflect on how you’re changing and be your safety net in times of self-doubt. 

The trick is to find one first friend who shares your values, and your circle can and will grow from there. Some friendships can blossom spontaneously through classes, unrelated clubs, and social events, but engaging in organizations that specifically promote your values will raise the probability of finding like-minded people. Check out what clubs are already offered on campus, especially religious, cultural, and political organizations. While you’re there, notice how people present themselves, including how they speak, their mannerisms, and what they wear. Listen to what their hobbies are, what they value, and who their friends are, and from there, decide if you’d like to form a closer friendship with them. At that point, be sure to reconnect with them at future events or get their contact info for a low-stakes meetup like getting a coffee, since iterated interactions are the scientifically-proven way to initiate and sustain friendships.

Go to the club fair if it’s offered at the beginning of the semester to get a head start in joining organizations. Everyone is looking to form friendships at the beginning of the year and during freshman orientation, so this is the easiest time to make new connections. Don’t be afraid to speak to lots of people and go to all the activities your college offers. It can be overwhelming, but everyone is going through the same thing and is eager to talk. 

If your college doesn’t offer the specific club you’re looking for, remember to look for events in your local community, and think outside the box. Many schools also have funding to start new clubs, so if nothing exists within your interests, contact the administration, make a plan, get a group together, and start something new!

Make Good Romantic Decisions

You don’t have to participate in hookup culture in college. There will be direct pressure from the media, men, and also indirect social pressure from other young women, even ones you might consider friends, to have sex and be in relationships you may regret. Being far away from home, living in a dorm room, and finding your place in a new social environment only increases the pressure, and sometimes agreeing to say “yes” might seem like the easier option.

The best way to deal with the pressure is to stop, recognize the situation, disengage with minimal confrontation, and remember that there are men in college who will respect our boundaries, whatever they may be. There are plenty of men who will be comfortable with waiting to have sex until marriage if that's what you choose to do. If the person you’re attracted to pressures you or tries to make you feel guilty about your values, especially if this is manipulatively framed as teasing, it's best to leave and wait for someone who shares your values and life vision.

Remember there are men in college who will respect your boundaries, whatever they may be.

When it comes to romance, having values outside the mainstream can especially feel like you’re wandering through a wasteland, never to find love – but following these simple steps can help any young woman, introvert and extrovert alike, find a coterie of like-minded men. First, if you’re on a dating app, avoid hookup apps like Tinder. These apps are basically misrepresenting what you’re looking for, assuming you’re looking for marriage-minded relationship. Second, when it comes to classes or your dorm, observe the men around you for signs that they may share your beliefs. Strike up brief, low-stakes conversations with them at the end of class, in the lounge, or while in the elevator, as a way of breaking the ice and beginning to form a connection as you gather more information.

As with finding suitable friends, the easiest way to find oodles of eligible young men is at social clubs, religious groups, and political organizations that reflect your values. In many cases, the sex balance will be strongly in your favor as a young woman. Rejoice! You’ll be spoiled for choice, with your pick of the litter of like-minded beaux. 

Discover Yourself

Your values will likely evolve over the course of college. Try new things! Meet new people, visit new places. If you’re persuaded into a new line of thinking by friends, professors, literature, personal experiences, travel or media, you should always try to be self-aware of your values. Think about it this way: You should always feel confident that you could coherently explain your values and behavior to yourself or a trusted family member or friend. If your beliefs change, that’s totally fine, provided you remain true to the core of your being, and don’t abandon your past self in a rush to conform. Being in a new environment, socially and geographically, can feel like an opportunity to reinvent yourself. In the rush to become the new and improved you, don’t throw out your tested and true beliefs. 

Also, it’s worth mentioning that the values you have at the end of college should be a reasonably consistent extension of your starting beliefs. If you feel like you’re betraying or somehow don’t recognize your past self, that cognitive dissonance is about as clear a warning sign from your subconscious as it gets that something is wrong. When you feel rootless, reassess the situation. Don’t embrace the chaos of living in the moment, but take the opportunity to find peace in your continued identity and values over time. If that means meditating, praying, reading, jogging, speaking with a trusted friend or authority like a parent or therapist, or otherwise finding a way to decompress, those can all be good ways to reconnect with your foundational sense of self.

Know Your Audience

Sitting in a classroom being surrounded by students and professors who all seem to share the same political opinions can be tough, and raising your voice could feel like a risk not worth taking. Being the only one with an opposing viewpoint does leave you open to judgment, especially from those who don’t know anything about you. 

When deciding if you want to share your opinion in a classroom where you will be the outlier, take the environment around you into consideration. Firstly, the professor: How well do you know the professor and how open-minded are they? Consciously or subconsciously, professors who share dramatically different views may ostracize or penalize you if you disagree with their viewpoints in an essay or in the classroom. Get to know who will be grading your work and plan accordingly. 

Illustrate that you’re more than your political beliefs, and should be defined by your character.

Next, the students. The political demographic of the classroom may vary depending on the reputation of the professor and the nature of the course. Sometimes, if you know the class is full of intolerance to varying thought, not revealing too much about your opinions may be the best option, especially at a time when young people are likely to stop friendships over politics. Learn more about your classmates and illustrate that you’re more than your political beliefs, and should be defined by your character, and the person you are, rather than one comment. 

If you do decide to participate and share an opinion that is not widely held, do so with grace. Never raise your voice, yell, or get argumentative. Being angry discredits what you have to say and paints you as the aggressor. Volunteer your thoughts in a confident way, without arrogance or conceit, and don’t apologize for sharing your opinion. 

Closing Thoughts

College should be a time of growth and self-reflection, and doesn’t have to be forced, radical transformation. Being a young woman in university has its challenges, especially when you feel pressured to give up everything you stand for on increasingly progressive campuses. When faced with a challenging choice, pause to think about your family, true friends, support network, and relationships before making a decision. Join clubs, find your crew, reflect on your beliefs, don’t be afraid to decline offers, talk to your mentors, look for meaningful relationships, be graceful, and choose your battles with classmates and professors wisely. Adventure awaits!

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