How To Move On From A Breakup During The Holidays

Breakups are never easy, but they can be even more challenging during the holidays. Holidays hold a reputation for happiness and making memories with loved ones and, although that may feel impossible right now, it’s important to know that there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

If you’re ending a significant primary relationship, it can be valuable to meet up for a closure session. A closure session involves you and your boyfriend coming together one last time to tie up any loose ends. This session is an opportunity to voice what you will miss about your boyfriend and share your side of why things did not work out. Avoid blaming and being judgmental, but strive to compassionately deliver your thoughts on the situation.

To get ready for a closure meeting, some of my clients have benefitted from writing an honest letter to their boyfriend to get all their thoughts and feelings out. But they don’t necessarily send the letter. Sometimes, it’s better to write it and then tear it up. In some cases, this meeting may not be feasible, and sending a letter may be more practical. Remember, you want to walk away feeling good about how you handled yourself in ending a relationship that is no longer working. 

Below are six more strategies to help you move on from a breakup, according to a licensed psychologist. 

Hold onto the Whole Picture

It’s common to focus on things you will miss about your boyfriend, but if you’re having trouble moving on, it’s also important to focus on what you will not miss.

Cindy and her partner George broke up after he continued with a pattern of not keeping his agreements over several years. For example, he would agree to be home by 6 p.m. to have family time and end up arriving home at 9 p.m. Cindy decided she would rather go it alone and get out there to eventually meet someone who would be dependable. Whenever she caught herself reflecting on George, she consciously reminded herself, "I will not miss his inability to speak up and express himself, the disappointment over not keeping agreements, and his passive-aggressive tendencies." Cindy found that this clear statement indeed helped her move on from George.

Start Your Day with Possibility Thinking 

Like many women, Cindy found herself thinking negative thoughts about her future, thoughts like "I will never meet anyone," "There are no good men left without any baggage," and "Who would want to date me?" 

To counteract this, she started each day with Possibility Thinking. Cindy would think to herself: 

• "There are lots of available men in the world, and if I get out there, there is a good chance I will meet someone." 

• "I am a talented woman, and people will want to date me." 

• "I am going to get engaged with activities I enjoy, and in the process, I get to make new social connections and friends."  

Write your own statements if you’re having unrealistic, pessimistic thoughts based on a scarcity mentality. Get yourself out of the scarcity mindset by thinking objectively and positively. It can also help to tell yourself affirmations, such as:

• "I am amazing and brilliant, and there are lots of opportunities in life." 

• "I am an action-oriented person, and I am going to make things happen in my life." 

• "I will get out once a week and try something new." 

These affirmations are important, as historically, women have underrated and devalued themselves. Studies show that close to 80% of women struggle with low self-esteem.

Get Moving 

Cindy was struggling with Seasonal Affective Disorder at the time she and George broke up. She was depressed as there was no one to really spend the holidays with, plus she felt gloomy with the rainy days in Oregon. Like many, Cindy lacked energy and positivity for a period of time. But she worked on putting one foot in front of the other and getting involved in completing some items on her to-do list. For example, she washed her car and felt good after some physical exertion. As she wiped her car dry, Cindy celebrated her accomplishment. Getting things done releases endorphins, and practicing good home management makes us feel better and our environment look better. 

Whatever you do, do not get stuck isolating yourself, as our brains are wired for social connections.

At times, Cindy would take a gratitude walk and focus on the various things she felt grateful for. This led her to look for a hiking group to join. Research supports the importance of social connections, and Cindy felt better doing something with others. Whatever you do, do not get stuck isolating yourself, as our brains are wired for social connections.

Train Your Brain

Look at ending a relationship as an opportunity to grow into yourself. Brainstorm things you have always wanted to do, such as take a French class, exercise more, play pickleball, take a trip, or sign up for a community college class that interests you. If we keep doing the same things, we stay the same; it’s only when we go outside our comfort zone that we discover more about who we are and our capabilities.

Consider Therapy or Coaching

If you’re continuing to feel sad or anxious about the breakup, you may want to try individual or group therapy or work with a coach of some sort. There are many groups and forums online where you can participate in chat rooms and virtual support groups with people who are going through the same thing you are. Some online groups that provide therapy for young adults include BetterHelp, Talkspace, and Circles. 

Understand Grief

It’s also common to go through a period of grief if you have been in a long-term relationship. There are stages of grief, and you may experience anger, sadness, guilt, fear, etc.; whatever you experience is okay. Some people may grieve briefly, and for others, it can take months or years, especially among older people who have lost a spouse. However, if you find you are getting depressed or stuck in one of the stages, make an appointment with your MD, a therapist, or a coach. You can also reach out to your mental health crisis line if you need to talk with someone quickly: call 988 (Suicide and Crisis Lifeline) or text “Home” to 741-741 (Crisis Text Line).

Closing Thoughts

During the holidays, negative emotions after a breakup can feel particularly heightened. The bottom line is that relationships are a part of life, and there are no guarantees. At any age, it can be very painful to move on from a loss, but with practice and your evolving resilience, you will discover there are gems in the grieving and healing process. The more we deal with adversity and work our way through it, the stronger we will be for it. More meaningful and empowering relationships start with your relationship with yourself. Hold on to the fact that you have the ability to take charge of your journey toward healing, even amid the holiday heartache.

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