How To Get Your Husband To Hate You

You know that man you’ve lived with for the past few years? The one you wake up next to every morning, share a bank account with, held a legally-binding ceremony with, and bought a house with? Yeah, him – your husband. You should ruffle his feathers. Trying to become a better wife is tiring; it requires self-reflection, maturity, intentionality, selflessness, kindness, and honesty – and who has time for any of those things anymore? Plus, don’t you feel like things have been going a little too well between you two lately? It’s time to shake things up and get on his bad side. Here’s how you can get your husband to hate you. Don’t Ever Say Thank You Showing gratitude shows weakness, and it makes him think you couldn’t have done something on your own. Don’t inflate his ego like that. Make sure he knows you can do anything he can do, better – and that you don’t need him. And Don’t Apologize Either Offering an apology is like offering ammunition. It doesn’t matter if you technically did something wrong, don’t ever apologize to him. Instead, figure out how you can blame your behavior on him – chances are, it was totally his fault. Get Mad at Him for Having Hobbies Whether he plays video games on Saturday mornings, does a few rounds of golf with his buddies, or likes to read poetry collections, it’s neglectful and selfish of him to enjoy anything that doesn’t have to do with you. To really drive this point home, dismiss his hobbies as silly time wasters. Make Him Fear You’re Not Attracted to Him by Telling Him He Gave You the “Ick” Keep him on his toes by making him worry you find him unattractive; tell him that applying lotion to his hands, or liking a romantic song, or putting his hands up on a rollercoaster gave you the ick . Bonus points if you constantly gush about how dreamy your male celebrity crush is right in front of your husband. Complain About Your Life and Make It His Fault You’re Unhappy with It Be vocal in your regular complaints about your life. Whatever’s gone wrong for you is his fault, whether you didn’t get that promotion, you don’t have any friends, or you’re unhappy with how you look in your jeans. Don’t take any of that on yourself – it’s his responsibility to make you happy. Do Not, Under Any Circumstances, Show Physical Affection This one’s a biggie. Never – and we mean never – show him any kind of physical affection . Don’t hold his hand, rub his back, initiate a kiss, or do anything intimate with him. He probably doesn’t deserve it. Wear “Men Are Trash” Shirts Let him know what you really think without even having to exchange a word: that men are trash. And if he gets offended or asks you why you’re wearing that, tell him that you don’t have to explain yourself to him. He’s trying to silence you. Spend Money Frivolously Never keep track of what you’re spending. Treat yourself to making it through another day with a Starbucks oat milk latte and pastry, a new mascara you saw on TikTok, and another enormous reusable water bottle to add to the collection. If you want it, buy it. Why else does he go to work? Don’t Offer Positive Reinforcement – Always Punish Him Say he happens to do something right or well – don’t give him the satisfaction of hearing you say anything positive, like good job or you’re amazing . Saying this will only blow up his ego. Either don’t acknowledge him, or say something like, “It took you long enough.” Make Fun of Him in Front of His Friends Take every opportunity to put him down in front of his friends. Make a snarky comment about his shoes, say his breath smells when he tries to kiss you, or tell him he has no idea what he’s talking about in the middle of a big group discussion. Get Angry at Him for No Obvious Reason Remember that thing he said four months ago? Or the fact that he ever dated, let alone looked at, another girl before you? Get mad about that, but don’t tell him. Slam doors, give him curt answers, and huffily leave the room whenever he comes near you. When he asks what’s wrong, say, “Nothing.” Complain About Him to Anyone Who Will Listen Air out your dirty laundry whenever you get the chance . Complain in great detail about how he doesn’t satisfy you, doesn’t watch The Bachelor with you, and has more fun with his friends than you. It doesn’t matter who’s listening – it can be your coworker, your barista, or a mutual friend. As long as everyone knows how terrible he is. Blame Your Infidelity on Him Don’t take the blame for texting another guy, or for crossing boundaries with your coworker, or for meeting up with your ex secretly – you really had no choice. Your husband drove you to it, and really, it’s his fault for making you feel unloved and abandoned because he’s stressed out about inflation. Tell Him To Man Up When He’s Sad Men don’t cry – we all know this. If you see your husband getting weepy, depressed, or anxious about something, make sure to let him know that showing any kind of emotion around you is never okay. Tell him to man up and quit whining. Find Something To Tell Him He Did Wrong Every Single Day Make a habit of zeroing in on something he does wrong every day. Did he leave crumbs on the counter? Take a picture and send it to him. Did he leave dirty socks on the floor? Put them on his pillow so he’ll come home to a nice surprise. Did he put the TV control in the wrong place? Lecture him about it. Have Lots Of Double Standards Create as many double standards as possible – you’re allowed to have male friends, but he may not, under any circumstances, have female friends. You’re allowed to get a Dyson Airwrap because it’s worth the price, but he can’t upgrade his five-year-old phone because why does he need a better phone anyway? You’re allowed to bring your friends over without any warning, but he has to ask at least two weeks in advance to have his guys within 100 feet of the house. Closing Thoughts We hope you enjoyed this tongue-in-cheek article, and that it gave you a chuckle or two. But please, do the exact opposite of everything listed above, and try your best everyday to become a more loving, respectful, thoughtful woman and wife. Your husband and your marriage will thank you. Don’t miss anything! Sign up for our weekly newsletter and get curated content weekly!