Have you ever friend-zoned a guy? You don’t have feelings for him, but he’s really nice and you have a few things in common, so you let him hang around because you like the attention.
Sometimes you find him boring, but he fills that emotional intimacy you need without having to get physical, so it’s not that bad. You may even let him pay for things, buy you gifts, or call him whenever you need anything. You know deep down he pines over you and you should probably put him out of his misery by not leading him on, but you don’t.
Then there’s the guy who’s always slightly out of reach. The guy who only calls when he wants something. Maybe he calls when he’s lonely, or when he’s horny, or for an ego stroke. He’s the bad boy and you know he’s terrible for you, but for some reason, you can’t get enough of him. He’s the guy you think you want.
You give out crumbs to the friend-zone guy, while accepting crumbs from the bad boy.
When you finally get to see him for a brief moment, you feel euphoric, but that feeling quickly goes away when he disappears again for the hundredth time. Then you feel anxious and crappy because deep down you know you deserve better.
So you go back to the friend-zone guy to keep you company, but all of a sudden he cuts you off. He’s moved on. He’s either tired of being used, or he’s met someone else. And this makes you feel angry and offended. You may even think that maybe you did have feelings for him after all. It isn’t true though; it’s just your ego trying to gain control of the situation.
Break the “Love” Triangle
Friend-zoning a man is normal, but it can become malicious if you consciously toy with his emotions and string him along just to get free attention. Imagine if the shoe were on the other foot. It’s the same dynamic the bad boy has with the women he uses. Not very nice, is it?
It can become malicious if you consciously toy with his emotions and string him along.
When you use someone purely for your own selfish benefits, you’re communicating to the world that you’re not actually ready for a real relationship. You give out crumbs to the friend-zone guy, while accepting crumbs from the bad boy. You’re not committed to either man, but above all, you’re not committed to what your heart truly wants.
Figure out What You Really Want
True, deep, healthy love integrates both physical and emotional intimacy, but you can only experience this kind of love when you’re ready to receive it.
It’s the reason why people can bounce from one relationship to the next, and still feel unhappy. Unless you do the inner work and ask yourself some hard questions you’re always going to attract men who are either wrong for you or men who you think aren’t enough. Sure the friend-zone guy may very well be able to offer you a relationship, but when you can’t distinguish between what’s good or bad treatment from a man, you may need to do some soul searching.
You want to become the person you want to attract.
Stop dating for a while and take some time out to get to know what you really want from a relationship and who you need to become to receive that. Perhaps you could try going for hikes, meditate, or journaling. It’s important to clear the mind so you can hear your true thoughts, feelings, and desires.
We’ve all made mistakes when dating, but if you know deep down how you feel about a guy (whether it’s the bad boy or the friend-zone guy) you need to admit it and stop avoiding difficult conversations with them so everyone can understand your intentions. Sure, it might be scary because you don’t want to offend anyone or potentially lose them, but it’s the right thing to do for all parties.
With the air cleared, practice some self-care and do things that make you feel happy again. When you become okay and happy with yourself without needing men to fill a void, that’s the kind of energy that attracts the right man into your life. You essentially want to become the person you want to attract.
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