How To Embrace Singleness (Even If You’re Secretly Hoping It Ends Soon)

Singleness brings a mix of emotions for women who desire marriage. It’s tricky at times to balance living a full and content single life with simultaneously hoping to meet your future husband and get married. One thing’s for sure, though: just because you’re not in a relationship doesn’t mean you have to default into a caricature of a sad single woman. This time shouldn’t be spent overshadowed by fear, anxiety or feeling stuck. Here are 8 tips to help you thrive in your single season this summer. Define and Refine Your Goals I know what you’re thinking: “I’ve thought long and hard about my goals. What else is there to think about?” You’ve probably already imagined what marriage might look like for you. Still, take a moment and reflect: what exactly do you want in a partner? What qualities are important to you? Singleness gives you the rare space to think about what you want in a spouse without the pressures of a relationship influencing you. This process is different from choosing a type. You could think, “I want somebody tall, dark and handsome,” but what tangible, important things (beyond being attractive) does that contribute to a relationship? Identify core traits that you find important, but keep your expectations open-ended enough where you still have room to be surprised. You don’t want to accidentally reject someone who has the things you’re looking for but comes in a different package than what you imagined. I used to say I didn’t have a type because my crushes varied in their looks. Now I realize that there are still consistent qualities I find attractive in men: Hard work, a driving passion, a strong faith life, masculinity, a sense of humor. These are all things I value. Identifying traits you appreciate helps you have a clearer vision of what you want when dating in the future. Speak Positively When you’re single, especially if you’ve been frustrated by dating, it’s easy to feed into negative tropes and claim popular lines as fact. “ There are no good men out there .” “All the decent men are taken.” Take a deep breath and a step back. How are these statements helpful? Are they even true? It’s natural to want to blow off steam, but if you’re not careful, what you say turns into what you believe. I’ve met some wonderful men who have shown me that there are high-caliber guys out there still. Is it disappointing that one of these guys may be single and still isn’t interested? Yes. Does it make them any less amazing? No. He may be great, but he’s just not great for you. Leaning into cynicism when you feel disappointed is counterproductive. It will only leave you feeling depressed and bitter and honestly, who wants that? Refuse to blackpill, have hope and be inspired by the good men you encounter. Trust in God Singleness comes with a lot of pressure and a feeling that everything is up to you. You can easily get overwhelmed and stressed that you’ve somehow missed your spouse or made a wrong decision that’s ruined your chances of happily ever after. Studies show that trust in God generates a positive outlook on the future, leading to a decrease in hopelessness, anxiety, stress, worry and depression, and to higher levels of happiness. Leaning into my faith is the most comforting thing I’ve done during my single years. I’m not perfect and still have times when Taylor Swift’s “The Prophecy” hits a little too close to home. But in the past couple of years, especially as I hone in on my femininity , I decided to release my need for control and focus on trusting God. Faith comes naturally to me in some areas, but I had to intentionally surrender and trust Him with my relationship status. It’s a decision I try to make every day, but one that brings me significantly more peace. Base Your Identity On Something Other Than Singleness If you’ve been out of a relationship for several years, you may naturally start thinking of yourself as perpetually single. In some social situations, it’s natural to fall into the role of the single friend, especially when most of your friends are dating or married. But be careful of putting on the “single” title too easily. If it becomes a descriptor, or even if you accidentally make it a part of your personality, it can be hard to shift that identity when the time comes, even if you want to. There are better things to base your identity around, especially if singleness is something that gives you anxiety or makes you sad. Are you generous? Funny? Intelligent? Honest? Lean into those qualities. It’s better to base your identity around who you are rather than on a time in life that could change at any moment, even if it feels lengthy or permanent right now. Work on Developing Yourself Let me be clear: marriage is not a reward for reaching perfection. Getting a husband doesn’t mean you’ve reached the pinnacle of self-improvement. And a lack of a spouse doesn’t mean you aren’t worthy of marriage. That being said, you don’t want to be caught off guard or unprepared when you do meet Mr. Right. The more serious you are about using your single time to grow and prepare for marriage, the better off you’ll be when the time comes. Take time to develop yourself in all areas: spiritually, physically, mentally, financially and emotionally. Read books that make you think more deeply. Go to the gym or work out at home. Eat well. Get more involved in your faith. Practice virtue building and chip away at vices. Even if you already do these things, identify other areas that could use improvement, or any behaviors that you wouldn’t want to bring into a relationship. Although singleness feels isolating at times, there will never be another period of your life where you have the time to fully focus on yourself. Time spent becoming a better person is never wasted. Avoid Casual Sex The research doesn’t lie: hookups and casual sex result in increased anxiety and depression . Modern-day feminism may sell the lie that being sexually liberated is freeing and empowering, a particularly tempting promise to single women in lonely moments or when we feel a lack of control. If you want a healthy relationship, especially one headed towards marriage though, it’s best to avoid hook-up culture. It can be tempting to try to increase connection through physical intimacy, but it is more likely to result in regret and confusion later on. The pressures of the dating world, coupled with the desire to exit the single stage, can be a powerful combination that could tempt you to abandon your beliefs or standards. Don’t let it. You may think that there is no one out there who will respect your boundaries or that your values are making it harder for you to find a spouse, but if these are non-negotiables, stick to your guns. Your goal isn’t simply to stop being single, it’s to find someone to marry. That calls for more discerning decisions. Invest in Female Friendships There’s nothing like friendship with other women. As women, we have shared experiences, understandings and circumstances that are unique to us. When you’re single, it’s important to care for your female friendships. Studies show that single people are typically better at maintaining friendships and that these friendships have a strong positive impact on their lives. Take advantage of this time to pour into your friendships with both married and unmarried women. Get advice and wisdom from married women and look to their relationships as inspiration for your own if they're healthy. Find a strong community and understanding with single women. Talk about your dreams, your hopes and what you are looking for. Having friendships that build you up and encourage you is priceless. Don’t Forget To Live Life Singleness isn’t a holding pattern, as much as it may feel like it sometimes. I understand that, at times, being single when you’d rather be in a relationship can cause pressure and decision fatigue. Single women might feel compelled to go to every meeting, party and social event, even those they aren’t particularly interested in, just in case their future spouse is there. They feel scared to pass up opportunities; what if they say no and miss him? This is living in fear and a scarcity mindset. You can heal it by putting trust into practice and living your life the way you’d like. There’s nothing wrong with being social and maximizing your potential to meet someone, but remember to make decisions out of confidence, not fear. Build your life around gratitude for what you have, not focusing on what you lack. On the flip side, don’t put your life on hold because you’re too scared to miss your future spouse. If you want to travel and have the means, do it. Develop hobbies and join groups that interest you, whether you think they’ll lead to meeting someone or not. You are more likely to attract the right person while living life, not being too afraid to. Singleness isn’t a curse. It’s a time to refine yourself, practice virtue and focus on what you value. Use this time as a way to prepare for marriage and foster a life you love.