How To Build Intimacy Through Small Daily Habits

Throughout their entire relationship, my father has brought my mother breakfast in bed. Every morning, without fail. A cup of tea, made exactly the way she likes it, and something simple to eat. It never mattered how early it was, or that the tea was often cold by the time she drank it (she preferred it that way, apparently). He never did it because he wanted praise. He never brought it up in conversation. He never expected thanks. He simply did it because caring for her was what he wanted to do.

He's a special man, my father. He gives freely, never asks for anything in return, and accepts life as it comes, finding joy in the simple things. In him, I've seen the purest example of virtue I know.

On its own, making a cup of tea might seem insignificant. But we all know that small acts, repeated over time, lead to big results. And in a relationship, those everyday gestures determine what life together will look like.

My parents met on October 27, 1977. Forty-eight years later, they're still side by side.

Now, I'm not saying breakfast in bed is the secret to a lasting marriage, or that if your husband doesn't do this you're doomed to fail. But daily acts of kindness matter far more than we think. We underestimate the power of a gentle touch, a warm smile, or a moment in which you give your undivided attention. A nice compliment, a listening ear, or a small act of service may feel minor to you, but can make all the difference to someone else, and together, those actions will determine the quality of your relationship and your life together.

And it's not just me saying this; modern research agrees.

Psychologist John Gottman, who is known for his decades of work studying couples, discovered that long-term relationship success isn't predicted by grand romantic gestures or dramatic declarations of love. It hinges on what he calls "bids for connection."

Long-term relationship success isn't predicted by grand romantic gestures or dramatic declarations of love. It hinges on what he calls "bids for connection."

A bid can be incredibly small: a simple comment about the weather, a question like "How was your day?", or a shared glance or passing smile. The magic lies not in the bid itself, but in how it's answered by the other person.

When partners turn toward each other with attention, trust deepens and intimacy grows. The person making the bid feels seen, heard, and valued. When bids are ignored, dismissed, or brushed off, the relationship slowly erodes. Gottman's work shows that responsiveness, presence, and emotional generosity outweigh logic, arguments, or even romance in predicting happiness.

The beauty of this is that we have real control over strengthening our relationships.

So next time you notice a bid for connection, whether from your husband, a friend, family member, or colleague, pay attention. The bid might be a question, a shared thought, a story, or even a moment of silence waiting to be seen. Meet it with kindness. Respond with a small gesture of care. Notice and see what shifted, not just in them, but in you, too.

Bids show up all the time, in the most ordinary moments, and they look different depending on the relationship.

In early dating, it might be your boyfriend texting, "You won't believe the day I had," hoping you'll engage and ask for details. Or he mentions a stressful meeting coming up, which you can later follow up with a simple "How'd it go?". It's a small signal that shows you were listening.

In friendships, it could be a friend sending a song or meme that reminds them of an inside joke. With family, a child might tug your sleeve with that bright, expectant face, because they want you to look at their drawing. Even a partner reaching for your hand while you're both on the couch is a quiet bid, asking for you to connect.

When bids are ignored, dismissed, or brushed off, the relationship slowly erodes.

We miss these bids constantly, not because we don't care, but because we're busy, distracted, tired, scrolling, lost in our own heads. A quick "mm-hmm" without looking up, while we stay glued to the phone or our computer screens, can feel like a soft rejection, even if that wasn't the intention. Over time, those missed moments build distance, and if you're not careful, the relationship slowly starts to deteriorate.

If instead we answer the bid by putting the phone down to really listen, asking a follow-up like "What happened next?", offering a hug or a genuine "I'm proud of you," it deposits trust. It says, without words, "You matter to me."

The responses or actions don't need to be big. They're built on the same small, repeatable acts of care: Remembering a detail a friend mentioned and circling back later ("How was coffee with your mom?"), sending a quick "Thinking of you, hope today's better," pausing what you're doing to give your husband your full attention when he starts talking, leaving a little note on the kitchen counter or grabbing his favorite snack on the way home.

It can be helping a colleague with something small without being asked, welcoming your husband with a warm smile or a six-second hug at the door, replying to your sister's text with a full sentence instead of a lone emoji, getting down on the floor to admire your kid's Lego tower, or simply staying present and listening during your father's story.

As one-offs, these micro-gestures seem insignificant. But over time they accumulate. They build trust. And that trust turns everyday friction into closeness and makes the relationship feel safe and mutual.

Before I finish, let me share a quote from Leo Buscaglia, also known as Dr. Hug. Buscaglia was a professor, author, and speaker who devoted himself to exploring and teaching about love, compassion, and human connection, after losing a student to suicide. With his lectures and bestselling books, he teaches us that love is more than just a feeling. It's a daily habit, a choice, and practiced actively, it builds the foundation for a meaningful life. What he said captures the heart of everything we've been talking about:

"Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around."

Especially today, the world can feel loud, fast, and disconnected; that's why these small gestures matter so much. We might never see the impact they have, but they remind us, and the people we care about, that we're never as alone as we sometimes feel. Even a simple word of kindness can mean everything to someone who needs it most.

It's these gentle, positive actions that give the strength a relationship needs to carry it through the difficult moments.

So next time you reflect on your relationships, or the ones you're dreaming of building, remember this: it's the little things, done consistently, that sustain love over time.

One small way to start practicing it is simply to notice the bids that come your way this week: a casual comment, a quiet sigh, a child's excited "Look!" as they point at a bird in the sky. When you spot one, lean in: give it your real attention, your curiosity, your full presence.

Then try offering one small gesture of your own. You could send a thoughtful text, help a friend who's struggling, or surprise your partner with something nice and unexpected. You might be amazed at how these small turns toward each other build a steady rhythm of care and reciprocity, day after day. It's these gentle, positive actions that give the strength a relationship needs to carry it through the difficult moments.

And if you're lucky, those little things might greet you at dawn, as breakfast, quietly waiting on your nightstand, showing that you're cherished in every single way.