How To Avoid A Situationship When You’re In The Casual Dating Pool

A situationship is like relationship purgatory, and they’re easy to fall into. Generally, a situationship has come to mean any relationship stalled somewhere between the “talking” stage and an actual relationship, often with elements of hookup culture sprinkled in. Unlike many other arrangements, though, many people end up in situationships without ever intending to. Sometimes this is intentional, like when guys breadcrumb you to keep their options open, but other times they’re a natural result of setting poor boundaries.

Relationships feel like gray areas when there aren’t set boundaries between stages. Talking shouldn’t feel like dating, dating shouldn’t feel like marriage, and so on. While ideally the guy should be the one taking the initiative, you can help avoid getting nudged into the situationship zone by making it clear that you won’t be acting like a girlfriend while being treated like an acquaintance. A lot of guys will say that boyfriend and girlfriend are “just labels.” While it’s an annoying dodge to the “What are we?” question, if you’re treating casual hookups like you would a serious partner, they’re actually right. So how do you make romantic exclusivity more than just a label?

Set Firm Boundaries Physically

Physical boundaries feel different for everyone, but whatever your comfort levels are, they should be different for different levels of commitment. As an example, if you aren’t comfortable kissing people you aren’t exclusively dating, make that clear. The goal of setting physical boundaries isn’t to manipulate him into dating you, it’s to protect yourself from people who aren’t serious about you. Men have very few natural consequences for sex. They can’t get pregnant, they have less severe consequences from STDs, and they don’t have to gamble with their reproductive (and mental) health by using things like hormonal birth control.

There are psychological benefits here, too. And they’re relevant even for women waiting until marriage for sex. Women are wired to be better at delayed gratification than men, including toward sex, meaning if anyone’s going to get bored with stricter physical boundaries, it’s most likely going to be him. While it might sound scary to play chicken, nudging him to either commit or hit the road, it’s far better to have a guy ditch you if all he was looking for was physical fun. Women also have more intense reactions to things like sex, and we’re more likely to get attached after a physical encounter than men are. Physical boundaries can protect you from suffering not only physical consequences, but emotional ones too, with guys who weren’t willing to commit.

Set Firm Boundaries Personally

Contrary to what hookup culture might have us believe, romantic relationships shouldn’t be chiefly about access to each other’s bodies. And boundaries should apply accordingly. One example might be not doing “Netflix and chill” type hangouts, only formal dates, if you aren’t exclusive, or even only hanging out in public while you’re still in the talking stage. They also apply to other people in your life; for instance, not introducing them to coworkers or family until you’re ready to put a label on it. Personal boundaries also mean not basing any big life decisions on someone you aren’t dating. Don’t lend money or important items, and career, housing, and school choices should not be influenced by someone who could stop texting you tomorrow with no consequences.

Romantic relationships shouldn’t be chiefly about access to each other’s bodies

Exclusivity (and Availability) Are a Two-Way Street

Don’t be exclusive for someone who isn’t willing to do the same. If you’ve fallen hard for someone, it can be easy to want to be as available as possible for them, but it’s shooting yourself in the foot. Being available every night is emotionally putting all of your eggs in one basket and, frankly, looks a little desperate. Make time for your friends, hobbies, and other dates, and be open and honest about seeing other people if he asks. Don’t be cruel or rub it in his face, but you have nothing to hide either.

“You’re busy Thursday? What are you doing?”

“Yes, sorry, I have a date!”

At some point, you might start to feel awkward seeing other people, which is totally normal. If you’re starting to feel like you want to stop seeing other people, great! That’s a perfect time for...

Telling Him What You Want

Be open and honest about wanting a relationship (from the start!) and don’t assume it’s his goal too. Still, if you’ve hit the point where it’s just starting to feel weird seeing anyone but him, it could be a great time to make that clear. 

“Hey, I really like you and have honestly begun to feel weird seeing other people. I’d love for us to be exclusive, but wanted to see if you’re also on the same page.”

In the best case scenario, a very short moment of vulnerability just kicked off a new relationship. If not, or if this conversation tends to come up regularly...

Be Willing to Walk Away

There’s no specific time limit that’s “too long” for a talking stage, but you should have a time frame in mind before you wade out into the casual dating pool. If you’ve always thought three months was more than enough to put a label on it, but the guy you’re casually seeing has been stringing you along for six, it’s time to be true to yourself and cut the cord. This doesn’t mean giving him ultimatums, but if the DTR talk is starting to feel like Groundhog Day, it could be wise to check the expiration date you set.

Closing Thoughts

If you’re casually dating, avoiding falling into a situationship takes serious skill and attention. Ultimately, the right boundaries are going to look different for everyone, but they’re key to protecting your body, mind, and heart. If you struggle to put a label on it, make relationships more than just a label.

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