How Many Dates Until He Knows You’re The One?
How long does it take for men to realize that she's "the one"? Here's what some of them had to say.
A TikTok clip circulating right now might be the most passionate monologue about dating you’ve ever seen. It begins with a simple question: How many dates does it take a man to know she’s the one?
One guy in the video answers with “100.” Another, more animated, insists it only takes 5.
In the video, he lays out his five-date framework for falling in love. “In ten seconds, you know if they’re hot,” he begins. “But if she’s hot and there’s something about her—you know within thirty seconds if she’s your type.” From there, he lays it out, saying that if the first date goes well and there are no obvious red flags, most men will have a sense of her potential by the third date. After that, "you’re texting in between. You’re having deeper conversations. By the fourth or fifth date, you know if she passes the deal breakers.” And if she does, then “What more do you need to know?”
That level of confidence has made people either swoon or side-eye, but it's easy to understand why the video went viral. This dating market is tough, and women want answers!
The Case for Clarity After Five Dates
The man in the video isn’t arguing that love happens in a week, obviously. What he’s describing, though, is a filtering process he went through with his current wife, and one most men will experience when dating. As he explains, men tend to filter for their ideal partner through attraction, conversation, values, and consistency.
While not every man will agree on his "five-date rule," the concept actually pops up in dating blogs and advice columns across the internet, often in two variations: either as the point at which a couple brings up exclusivity, or the point at which sex becomes a topic. In both cases, the fifth date tends to mark an evolution in a relationship, from casual dating to something more serious. It’s not a hard rule (I’m sure most of us wish it were), but it’s a good marker for intentional daters. By the fifth date, ideally, everyone will start asking deeper questions. Do we like each other beyond surface-level attraction? Are we on the same page? Is this going anywhere? Should we be exclusive?
What the Experts Say
According to relationship therapist Sarah Kahan, there is no universal number of dates that determines when a relationship becomes official. “It is so varied and so individualized,” she said in a Brides interview. Her advice is to look for solid communication, emotional depth, and vulnerability.
She pretty much echoes what the guy on TikTok said about dating. In the early stages, you’re still figuring out if you enjoy each other’s company. Later, you begin to open up about personal things. Finally, she says, the real signal is whether you can be vulnerable, because love without vulnerability isn’t sustainable.
This process often takes more than a few meetups, at least for many people.
What Do Other People Say?
A global Ipsos poll found that around 39% of people believe it takes about three months or roughly 10 to 12 dates before becoming exclusive. Not because we’re all indecisive, but because emotions unfold in layers. Per YourTango, men typically don't continue seeing someone 10 times unless they’re interested. 10 real dates, the ones where you actually go out, talk, and experience new settings, can be enough to get clarity.
Who Falls First?
Believe it or not, men are more likely to say “I love you” first, and they’re also more pleased than women are to hear it said to them. Men, on average, say “I love you” earlier than women. According to the University of Chicago Press Blog, a study found they take 88 days to say the three magic words, compared to 134 for women.
There may not be a universal timeline for love, but decisions don’t have to take a long time either. We already know that first impressions form fast, within seven seconds, according to one study. Previous findings also show that most people decide whether they want a second date within 19 minutes. So if a man has gone on five full dates with you, he’s had hours. He’s had time to notice how you speak, how you carry yourself, what you believe, and how you treat him. At that point, it’s not about needing more time. It’s about whether or not he actually sees a future with you, and if he does, you won’t need to decode it. He’ll make it very obvious.