Don’t Have Sex With Him

Dating apps, in theory, make it easy to get instant validation or find a likely suitor to fulfill our desires. We’re told by those around us and by the media to just “go for it” and abandon any desire for something more meaningful. But what if you’d rather take your time? Is it even possible to slow down in a society that’s constantly pushing us to move faster?

The Pressure to “Go for It”

Gen Z is kind of like the guinea pig generation for widespread access to smartphones, social media, instant messaging, and on-demand services. This mass shift in how we live our lives hit right around early adolescence, just as we were about to debut in the world of dating. While a handful of people still meet their significant other offline in social settings, for many Zoomers—as high as 67%—online dating is preferred over traditional methods. Essentially, for the majority of Zoomers, our dating lives have been dictated by the swipe-and-scroll mentality: quick matches, instant chemistry, and fast intimacy.

We’re also living in a time of peak liberalism and sexual freedom. Long gone are the days of slow courtships and clear intentions. Now, everything feels faster, freer, and less defined. It’s completely normal to hook up with someone before you’ve even had the chance to truly get to know them. Back then, there was a pressure to get married and stay “pure.” However, today we face an entirely different pressure from many different sources. People in our immediate circles, friends and family included, often encourage us to “just go for it.”

For the majority of Zoomers, our dating lives have been dictated by the swipe-and-scroll mentality: quick matches, instant chemistry, and fast intimacy.

Recently, when I mentioned I was single, someone told me to “meet and date as many men as possible, let them pay for dinner, and just let loose.” Many older women have given me similar advice. It’s often focused on this idea that you’re only young and beautiful once, so you should use it to your advantage.

If it’s not family, we’re also influenced by the dominant culture and media, which encourage a “just go for it” mentality. The top podcast for women, Call Her Daddy, openly celebrates casual sex and instant gratification. From Love Island to Sex and the City, jumping in headfirst is often portrayed as empowering or exciting. And while we know these shows aren’t meant to be a model for real life, many people still take their cues from them, reflecting those storylines in their own dating choices. With messages like these all around us, it’s easy to see how waiting can feel almost countercultural.

The Case for Waiting

Love and desire are incredibly powerful emotions. Freud believed that most of our choices are driven by desire; not just for sex itself, but for the pleasure, validation, and connection that come with it. Women shouldn’t feel ashamed for wanting to be intimate with men they’re attracted to; that masculine–feminine tension can be intoxicating. But sometimes that desire can seriously cloud our judgment and lead us to make decisions that aren't always in our best interest.

Many feminists and supporters of the sexual liberation movement criticize waiting for marriage or reserving sex for relationships as a patriarchal idea; something that caters to men’s desire to control women. But that perspective misses the point and actually disempowers women. While for some, waiting may partly be about honoring a future husband, that doesn’t tell the whole story. For me, and for many women who choose to wait—whether for a husband or someone we love—it’s about protecting our emotional well-being, making clear judgments, and feeling confident when we decide to say yes.

Our decision to be intimate does not come from a place of fear that he’ll leave us and find another girl if we don’t fulfill his desires, nor is it fueled by a need for instant gratification. This isn't just about ideals—research shows that for many women, casual sex is linked to regret or emotional discomfort. One recent study found that women reported more negative emotional outcomes than men following a hookup. But the key factor wasn’t gender alone; it was why they did it. When the decision was driven by peer pressure or low emotional clarity, the cost rose significantly. That’s one reason why choosing to wait isn’t about shame; it’s about honoring your emotional safety, feeling truly fulfilled in intimacy, and staying confident in your own agency.

What “Waiting” Truly Means

Waiting can feel radical in a world addicted to instant gratification and casual flings. Some may call it prudish or old-fashioned, but waiting isn’t about shame or fear—it’s about discernment. It’s about understanding that not everyone is deserving of intimacy, and waiting, instead of just going for it, allows us to recognize who truly values and respects us.

I’m sure we’ve all dated someone where things didn’t work out, and honestly, it’s a relief when you realize you didn’t get deeply intimate with the wrong person; someone who wasn’t a good fit or didn’t treat you the way you deserved.

Waiting can feel radical in a world addicted to instant gratification and casual flings.

As someone who’s waiting, I’ve found it quickly weeds out men who are just looking for a fling or are commitment-phobic. Once you make it clear you intend to wait for intimacy, their true intentions surface. Some may even test you—you go on a date, get invited to their apartment, politely decline, and never hear from them again. While it may be easier and less awkward to say yes in those moments, by expressing your boundaries you develop a quiet confidence. Having patience in the modern age is powerful in a world that celebrates instant gratification and quick connections.

When you’re intentional about who you share intimate connections with, clarity naturally follows. You notice effort, character, and emotional compatibility instead of getting swept up in attraction or desire. It’s natural in the early stages of a relationship to only appreciate someone on a surface level. But when you wait, the bond you build becomes so much stronger, and the intimate parts of your relationship feel far more meaningful. I’ve noticed that dating this way makes the more innocent parts of intimacy like holding hands, kissing, or even just sharing eye contact feel incredibly special, not like fleeting moments.

Choosing Patience in a Fast-Paced World

In practice, waiting may not always be easy. When you’re going against the grain, it can feel like you’re on this journey alone. You’ll have to learn how to express your boundaries, choose real dates rather than endless midnight texting, and possibly step back from the apps that can make dating feel like a game. It’s important to remember that if someone loses interest because you’re not ready to rush, they weren’t the right man for you anyway.

Having patience is a quiet kind of power in a world consumed with instant gratification. When you wait, you’re saying, “I know my worth, and I’ll connect on my terms.” Waiting doesn’t mean you’re withholding love; it means you’re preparing for the kind that lasts.