Can Two Alpha Females Be Friends?

I remember a girl in college talking decidedly about how she was an alpha female and that she got along better with certain personalities and just didn’t with others. Actually, I’ve noticed that alpha females usually have a group of girlfriends made up of very chill, laid-back, follower-type females, or they have very few close friends who are of that easy-going personality. Now, I’m definitely not saying that every alpha female is a self-appointed BossBabe with her posse of b*tches, but this balance of more dominant and less dominant personalities tends to happen because the alpha female is the social leader (more on personalities later). This is not necessarily a negative thing; there is a social hierarchy older than the Mean Girls Plastics, but does it mean two alpha females often just don’t mix? Contrary to what might be common opinion or initial perception, I believe that alpha females can be friends. And not only that, but they can be good friends! However, this is only attainable if certain elements are present. Friendship Defined Firstly, let’s make sure we’re on the same page regarding the term “friendship.” I don’t just mean networking contacts or Pilates buddies. The term “friend” is often loosely applied to numerous persons we know and interact with on a superficial level—and in some cases apply better to the term “acquaintance.” Some personalities also prefer to keep a smaller number of quality friendships and take the term “friend” more seriously, while others simply regard strangers as friends they just haven’t met yet! Overall, I’m sure most would agree there’s an understood difference between a more casual “friend” and a close friend (or bestie, in girly terms). The Greek term for the platonic love of friendship is philia . Friendship is made up of a mutual goodwill and can be formed by companionship, dependability, and trust. Plato believed that friendship should be rooted in shared virtue and mutual benefit where friends helped each other achieve a good life . Women need friends; we need community. A study published in the Oncology Times showed that women were four times as likely to die from cancer if they didn’t have many friends, and those who had early cancer had a much better survival rate if they had a larger group of friends. The special bond of female friendship can be like a sisterhood , an accountability and emotional support system that encourages growth and community. At the risk of sounding cliché, the psychology of female friendships is so different from male friendships. We bond over the big and little things; guys don’t, and their friendships are more direct, simple, and streamlined. But to better understand alpha female friendships, we have to understand the alpha female. So, what is she? Alpha Female Qualities We know the term “alpha male.” Some men truly are alpha males. They're self-assured, confident, and driven leaders, whereas others are simply insecure, dominating wannabes that might have a Napoleon complex but don’t do the self-reflective work to come into the best version of “alpha” with all its perks and leadership responsibilities. The same actually applies to women…just with a hot pink filter. What is the alpha female? According to the Cambridge-English dictionary , an alpha female is described as a strong female who likes to be in charge of others. In the animal kingdom, the alpha female would be the most successful and powerful female animal in her group, leading, protecting, and assuming dominance over the others. We see this in movie plots, in families, and yes, in friend groups. “An alpha female epitomizes poise, confidence, leadership, strategy and independence,” says relationship expert Sejginha Williams-Abaku, LMFT, C-DBT . “Alpha females garner attention when they walk into a room, are ambitious and capable and bring that same energy into their relationships.” They are also very intelligent individuals with high IQs . The ultimate party planner, the alpha female is self-driven with high initiative and has a confident picture of herself as the main character in her life. In addition to being smart and confident, relationship experts note that alpha female characteristics and “ideal” signs include: She's self-secure and decisive She's self-aware She has high standards and doesn’t settle She's protective of those she cares about She’s independent and self-sufficient She’s a problem-solver She has a perpetual growth-mindset She’s ambitious She's reflective She's a motivator She doesn’t compete with others She has the best intentions She's hard-working yet balanced She accepts failure and lives without regrets People often associate this term with someone who’s a “Karen,” but this is not always the case. If the alpha female is a D-type personality or “high D” personality, which is a personality that tends to be direct and driven, then these can also sometimes be type-A personalities or least have some degree of a choleric temperament . Someone who is an alpha personality but is more empathetic and aware of the needs of others is probably an ENFJ personality , which is an empathetic leadership style and not as forceful a leader as the ENTJ , for example. Alpha women can often be hard on themselves as their own worst critic. As leaders, they put or accept a lot onto their plate, which can result in feeling drained or burned out . However, if someone else can come along and be competent enough to do what needs to be done, an alpha female doesn't always want to lead; sometimes she needs a break. “She craves a space where she can exist and not be on perform without things falling to the wayside or completely falling apart,” says Williams-Abaku . As with any strong, leadership personalities, the alpha personality weaknesses include having trust and control issues, impatience, a competitive nature (which can be good but can also backfire), and if she struggles with insecurity and true self-confidence, then the alpha female disposition can be prone to jealousy. As strong personalities, alpha females can struggle to be vulnerable and lean on others or ask for advice, since they’re used to being the life coach, the problem-solver, and the leader of their friend groups. If they haven’t learned to recognize and manage their personality’s love of control, then they might struggle with letting go, be manipulative, or be tempted to walk over others. Alpha Female Friendships Now that we've covered the basics, what exactly is needed for two alpha females to be friends? Take the Gossip Girl Blair-Serena rollercoaster, for example. Except for the fact that they were both spoiled and over-privileged drama queens, they exhibited classic alpha female personas and, through some cat-fights, eventually learned how to balance their friendship (yes, on the good-mood days). They both needed their own space and their individual interests, then they met in the middle (sometimes literally , like when they summered in Paris and divided the city geography between them). However, whenever they were distrustful, insecure, controlling, or manipulative, their relationship would undergo an episode of inflamed outbursts. But what if these divas were more oriented towards, say, virtue? Their friendship would’ve looked completely different! Let’s unpack what elements are needed for two alphas to be good friends. Common Interests They should have certain common interests and/or principles to bond them together. This is a basic element of personality chemistry and friendship. One of the most common ways to meet friends, besides through mutual friends, is through an activity you both enjoy. It’s very rare when two persons who have nothing in common are able to form a close relationship (because what would you do together that you both enjoy?). Honesty Foundational for every human relationship, honesty and trust are essential for female friendships, new or old. Women need to feel safe, and if they don’t feel like their emotions or feelings are safe in the confidence of another woman, they will not become friends. It takes vulnerability and humility to be honest with another; there’s no room for gatekeeping or ulterior motives in a genuine female friendship. If one woman feels like another is just trying to get close to her for “networking” reasons, or to use her to get to her friends or other things, the relationship will feel utilitarian and not genuine. Alpha females specifically have a heightened sense of protectiveness and awareness as leadership individuals, so they might be more guarded or wary at first when making new friends. If a woman has ever experienced betrayal, or fears betrayal based on what she has seen of other failed relationships, she might develop trust issues that affect her friendships. This is heightened in an alpha female, who’s strong personality may struggle with feelings of control and self-preservation and not forgive as readily as more go-with-the-flow personalities. Equality & Independence No matter how much they hit it off, if two alpha females did everything together all the time, it wouldn’t be surprising if tension or conflict erupted at some point. Successful friendships need equality so one is not looking down on one or up to the other like a counselor or superior, and balanced independence is necessary for each to have room to breathe. This is why when two sisters have a close relationship, one is usually more of a dominant, alpha-type personality while the other is more laid-back and go-with-the-flow. Similarly, if two sisters have strong personalities that clash, they might need some time to mature before they are able to understand each other and communicate better to grow closer. Mutual Support They must hold mutual respect, admiration, and support for each other. If they don’t pursue their own interests and goals and respect boundaries of personal space, as mentioned above, then mutual support can become compromised, and competition or resentment can set in. Vulnerability Vulnerability is one of the most, if not the most, important emotional elements of female friendship. And I don’t mean just sharing reels or a love of raw milk and sourdough, but if they share confidences and are able to entrust those inner feelings with each other. This is the glue that binds female friendships together, according to Friendship Expert and Researcher Danielle Bayard Jackson . When just one is sharing and the confidence isn’t reciprocated or the effort isn’t mutual, women cannot bond together on the emotional level that is necessary for a deeper friendship. Sharing simple pleasures as well as fears, joys, dating trauma, memories and experiences bond women together in a way that is unique to female friendships. I joke that the easiest way to bond with a total stranger in a public restroom (even if you’ll never see each other again) is to pull out a pad or tampon and look at her in the mirror and say, “it’s rough being a woman sometimes,” or “men will just never understand what we go through.” Every time I’ve tried it the response is always an empathetic sigh and “I know, right?!” If you’re struggling to get close with a new girl friend, the two easiest conversations to bond over are (1) the dating scene and (2) hormonal cycle health. Virtue Last but not least, virtue is obviously pinnacle in any relationship. Specifically in the case of alpha females, they can be good friends if they have a desire and follow an intent to observe and grow in virtue, which will also serve to keep jealousy, conflict, and competition conflict at bay. This desire not only would objectively improve their character but also help them to become better friends and add quality value to the friendship. This willingness to do and be better strengthens the bond. Virtue is often substituted in modern society for positive social qualities, but they aren’t always the same. Being “nice” isn’t the same as being “kind,” and being “cool” doesn’t mean one is truly a good person of character or would make a quality friend. According to motivational speaker Jim Rohn , we are the average of the five people we spend the most time with. So, the ultimate question for us is how do our friends affect us? Virtues that would be considered some of the most important in female friendships include honesty (as mentioned above), empathy, compassion , understanding, and kindness. Chemistry Why is it that some alpha females just don’t mix? Naturally, not everyone clicks, and that’s perfectly normal. But in some cases, it’s because a woman hasn’t yet learned how to embrace her alpha identity with grace. You’ll see this when a dominant woman pairs off with a passive, beta-style partner simply because she struggles to coexist with a strong male personality. Similarly, some alpha women only feel comfortable befriending laid-back, non-confrontational types—those who won’t disrupt their unspoken role as group leader. The truth is, friendship requires a certain kind of platonic chemistry—mutual interest, mutual respect. And it’s okay if that chemistry isn’t always there. What matters is the ability to communicate clearly and to understand each other’s personality and temperament, including both strengths and blind spots. We celebrate the idea of a “power couple” when two strong individuals are able to create something greater together. Why not apply the same logic to friendship? Two confident, driven women can absolutely form a meaningful bond, not one marked by competition, but by growth, accountability, and mutual inspiration. So maybe the more important question isn’t can two alpha females be friends—but who are the women we’re choosing as friends in the first place? Are they kind, generous, loyal, trustworthy, virtuous? Or do they bring chaos, unreliability, or ego into the room? And just as importantly, what kind of friend are we showing up as?