Ask The Evie Writers: What’s Your Worst Date Ever?

My Wannabe Stalker

I met a guy online, and we had a couple of dates but it didn't really work out. He found out where I worked, and he was there at the store and saw me. He later sent me a text message that said, "Roses are red, violets are blue, you're hot, I wanna do you."

- Noelle Ottinger

Roses are red, violets are blue, you're hot, I wanna do you.

Mr. Cheap Skate

I met this guy from work, and we had planned to go out for coffee for our first date. I was expecting him to pay because he made the first move, but he asked me if we could go "dutch." I gave him 3 dollars for the coffee, and he ended up taking about 15 napkins and some sugar packets home.

As if I wasn't a glutton for punishment enough, he asked me out a second time, and I gave him another chance. He invited me to this 80's hair metal concert in the park (which was free), and we had to sit on the grass. I didn't have any lawn chairs, so he brought two from home, except his was about 16 inches off the ground while mine was one inch off the ground - I never felt so small in my life!

- Noelle Ottinger

I never felt so small in my life!

The Plumbing Nightmare

Once, early on in my dating history, I invited a guy I was seeing over to my sister’s apartment for dinner. As I was preparing food, he went to use the restroom. He came back with a panicked look on his face, and I asked what was wrong. Turns out he had clogged the toilet, and the entire floor of the bathroom was flooded! We had to call a plumber to fix the problem, and he was so apologetic, he spent the rest of the evening cleaning the bathroom floor!

- Abby Roth

It Was Almost His Last Date

We went on our second date on Valentine’s Day. He took me to the hip part of town replete with wall murals, trendy boutiques, five-star restaurants, and the most enticing bakeries you will ever visit. Unable to resist the smells wafting from one of those bakeries, we decided to start our afternoon with something sweet. The glass case was overflowing with cinnamon rolls, cupcakes, cookies, and every kind of pastry you could imagine. After a considerable amount of deliberation, we both went for the cannoli and dug in right away. After two bites, he stopped eating, and I saw a look of terror cross his face.

“These have nuts in them,” he said.

Neither of us had realized that the cannoli we had chosen contained pistachios. He was severely allergic to nuts and usually carried his epi-pen with him wherever he went. But on this particular day, he had forgotten his epi-pen in the car (which was parked a half-mile away).

Neither of us had realized that the cannoli we had chosen contained pistachios. He was severely allergic to nuts.

“I need water right now.” He was trying to maintain composure, but I saw the rising panic.

“Can we get some water?” I asked the girl at the counter. She told me they were out of bottled water and, for some reason, could not give out cups of tap water.

We raced out of the bakery and headed towards the car, searching for a place along the way where we could get a cup of water (shouldn’t be too difficult, right?). Every single place we passed either didn’t have water for us or was too fancy to burst into, begging and on the verge of anaphylactic shock. Finally, a saleslady in American Apparel gave us a cup of water. He downed it, and we continued our mad dash to the car.

We made it, he got his epi-pen, and, with all danger behind us, we laughed at the most ridiculous (and thrilling) date either of us had ever been on.

- Molly Farinholt

His Dog Was The Best Part About Him

When I first moved to LA, I decided it was finally time to try Bumble. I agreed to take a walk with this guy on Hollywood's Walk of Fame. I hadn't been yet, so I figured I might as well get some sightseeing in. I did a little social media stalking to make sure he was who he said he was, saw that we had similar beliefs - and that he had a super cute dog - so I was sold.

I was still unfamiliar with all the different street parking rules, so he told me to call him when I was there and he'd help me find a spot. The first thing he said as he got in my car was "you have a really sexy phone voice." I thought that was kind of a peculiar introduction, but I went with it. It was Hollywood after all, and five minutes later he was telling me I should try voiceover acting. We picked up his dog and headed for our walk.

Long story short, he spent the entire time talking about himself; he bragged about his experience as a personal trainer on TV, being on the cover of several fitness magazines, and how he transitioned into being a producer for a popular media company. He never asked me a single question. I sensed a red flag, but I reminded myself not to judge too quickly and tried to give him the benefit of the doubt. Again, it was Hollywood, so I was sure he was just trying to impress me.

As we walked back to his house, he asked if we could stop and clean his dog's paws before we went anywhere else. The streets were filthy, so thinking nothing of it, I agreed. It was a trap! Next thing I know, he had Hamlet on the TV and was reciting every line completely in character. That's when it hit me - he was in fact very peculiar.

That's when it hit me, he was in fact very peculiar.

It got even more strange. Once his acting stint was over, he put country music on and asked me to dance with him. Cringing inside, I nervously said "ooook." As we danced, he stopped and said, "Can I just hug you?" My anxiety growing at that point, I nervously agreed. As he held me for what felt like forever, he said, "This is nice, I haven't held a woman in 9 years." I froze, he buried his head in my neck and added, "You smell so good, and your skin is really soft."

Peculiar immediately switched to creepy, and I had to get out of there. I learned a very valuable lesson on my first, and last, Bumble date, never go out without pepper spray. It was such a shame because his dog was so cute.

- Amber Parker

Don’t Date in Small Towns

I met a guy in my hometown over Christmas during college. I wasn’t down for anything long distance, so even though he was cute, I didn’t make any effort to follow up. Then a few months later, he and his friends decided to come down to the city I was living in for a brewery tour. He told me they were coming into town, and we decided to meet up.

During the evening, I ended up in a conversation with his best friend. It turned out that my mom and his grandma had worked together, and we had other mutual family friends. I thought nothing of it except it was funny how small our hometown was. I obviously didn’t know how small.

About a week later, I get a text from my cousin asking “how my date went”. Now mind you, my cousin is about 10 years older than me, and we definitely don’t text each other about life details. I thought this was super weird so I inquired further. Apparently, the best friend I was talking to - his dad and brother are close friends with my uncle. Word got through the grapevine, and clearly got garbled, because my cousin thought I was dating the best friend.

As he’s apparently a close friend of their family, they were thrilled. No matter what I say, they’re still convinced that I’ve dated the friend, and insist on asking “how things are going”, every time I go home!

- Erica Oneto, Managing Editor