Ask Evie: My Sister Has Been Making Hurtful Comments About My Weight Since I Got Pregnant

READER’S QUESTION: “Dear Evie, My relationship with my sister has been very strained since I got pregnant. All through my pregnancy, she talked about how giving birth will ‘destroy’ my body and how she wouldn’t want to ‘ruin’ her body by giving birth. She would also brag about her weight loss and confidence to me throughout my pregnancy. Even after I had my baby, she has been making comments about my postpartum body, calling me ‘bigger’ and trying to give me clothes that are several sizes bigger than what I fit. 

Yes, my body has changed since becoming a mom, and most of the time, I don’t care. But when my sister makes comments comparing us, I feel very self-conscious and uncomfortable. It’s not a nice way to talk to your sister, or any other woman for that matter. 

How do I talk to her about the comments she’s making and how she’s making me feel?”

EVIE’S ADVICE: There are two major things to unpack here. To begin, you need to address how rude and even cruel your sister’s comments are, no matter what is lying underneath them. Secondly, you need to question why your sister is making these comments. Most likely, there is something about you being pregnant that is triggering her – she may be feeling left behind, worried about her own fertility, feeling like she's losing you to your new baby, or feeling insecure about her own body. If she has never complained about your weight before, it could be rooted in jealousy. If she wants children now but is unable to for any number of reasons, she may be thinking, “at least I’m skinny,” as a way to make herself feel better about her circumstances. It sounds like from the little information we have that the straining started with the pregnancy, so it could be her environment (maybe she lives in a big city/work environment where weight gain is a constant topic), or it could be something she’s struggling with (being single or the inability to get pregnant). There’s no doubt that she is taking out her own internal negative emotions on you, possibly without even fully realizing what is motivating her inappropriate words and actions.

If she were feeling happy and confident in her own body, she wouldn’t be making rude comments about yours.

It's up to you to decide how deep into this issue you want to go with your sister, if you want to address just her rudeness or also her deeper motivation. No matter how she is feeling, that doesn't excuse or justify her comments about your body. But it is totally worth having a conversation about her comments and how hurtful they are and setting a boundary of being spoken to with respect. Even family members still need to treat each other politely and respectfully. The next time she says something rude about your body, confront her then and there by asking her to repeat what she said. Oftentimes, this makes the person making rude comments feel embarrassed listening to themself back. After she repeats what she said, ask her directly why she said it (the real reason that doesn’t have to do with you) and tell her how hurtful her words are to you. You can tell her that your priorities are elsewhere right now and that you’d rather focus on what matters most – bonding with your baby during this postpartum period. 

As far as your postpartum journey goes, our advice, as difficult as it is, is to try not to allow your sister’s cruel comments to get to you. Your hormones are out of whack already, especially if you’re breastfeeding and sleep deprived. You’re probably more focused on bonding with your new baby than worried about every calorie you’re eating or spending hours in a gym (which is a good thing, by the way). Even supermodels have five to seven extra pounds of weight on them while breastfeeding because their baby needs the fat to thrive. The number one thing you should be focused on right now is making sure your baby is healthy and taking care of yourself. Make sure you’re eating nourishing foods that will help you feel energized and strong, and don’t feel guilty about snuggling your baby over squeezing in a workout. 

All in all, you can rest assured that it’s not you, it’s her. If she were feeling happy and confident in her own body, she wouldn’t be making rude comments about yours. This is not something you should have to put up with or ignore, though, so address it head on. She will either be receptive to your feedback and realize how cruel she has been, or you’ll have to set boundaries on your relationship with her for your own mental health.  

Have a question you want our advice on? Email it to us at ask@eviemagazine.com.