Ask Evie: My Parents Divorced When I Was Little And I Want A Better Relationship With My Estranged Dad. How Do I Go About That?

READER’S QUESTION: “Hi, I have a few questions that if I asked my family they’d give me unfair advice and probably start WWIII with me.

Short backstory: My parents have been amicably divorced since I was 2.5 years old (ab. 2001/2). My sister and I live/lived with my mom, who's been single since then. My dad lives 1k+ miles away, we only had major visits a handful of times, but we talk/text on holidays/birthdays, etc. My sister would be fine if she never had to speak to our father (including his wife and 2 sons) again. I, on the contrary, think a father/daughter relationship is important. I find myself wishing he’d call us more, but I don't know how to communicate that. We've both exchanged the typical "call me anytime you need anything" clichés, but of course it's still awkward and feels like I'm imposing. He’s an upstanding citizen; there was no abuse or neglect from either parent, but it's just difficult.

My questions are: Should I be always reaching out to my dad first? Do I need to say 'Happy __' first thing on that day? Are the 'rules' similar to how women aren't supposed to text the guy first? Is that weird to even think? My mom provided for us for the last 20+ years, and my dad has not in the same way she has. But if it were the other way around, I'd also want a relationship with my mom just the same. What do you think?"

EVIE’S ADVICE: It's a good, healthy, and normal thing to want a relationship with your dad! And don't feel like you're imposing – you have a right to know your dad and be in a relationship with him. If you want more of a relationship with your dad, you will need to tell him directly and explicitly. Men are notoriously bad at picking up on hints, especially over text or the phone. Tell your dad that you want to be more involved in his life and get to know him better, and you want him more involved in yours. Tell him your specific expectations of what that would look like. Spending Christmas with his family? Going on summer vacation with them? Talking every week? Whatever you want the relationship to look like moving forward, you need to be upfront with him and invite him to get to know you better.

Whatever you want the relationship to look like moving forward, you need to be upfront with him.

Your dad may want more of a relationship with you but be worried you don't since he left/moved so far away (especially if your sister is more open about not wanting to be involved with your dad). He may have his own expectations of what your new relationship will look like, so be sure to ask him. Or, if he doesn't, your question will get him to think about it, and hopefully you two can get on the same page. On the other hand, he may be comfortable with the status quo and may not be interested in investing more into his relationship with you unfortunately. As sad as that is, you need to be prepared for that possibility.

As far as the rules of communicating go, there really aren't any! It doesn't matter who reaches out first to say "Merry Christmas" etc., any more than it would matter if you were texting your mom or your sister. If it feels like you’re constantly the one reaching out to him first, and you wish it weren’t that way, tell him! The best way to go about this situation is to be upfront, open, and honest. You may be surprised at how easily it transforms your relationship with your dad!

Have a question you want our advice on? Email it to us at ask@eviemagazine.com.