Ask Evie: My Husband Of Two Years Doesn’t Want To Have Sex With Me Anymore

READER’S QUESTION: "Dear Evie, I have been married to my husband for almost two years. When we were first married, he was all over me. And I understand that once the “honeymoon phase” is over then the sexual stuff kind of drops off a bit. But we are hardly ever intimate anymore. And when we are, I'm the one who initiates it. But most of the time, I’m shot down. He says he’s stressed and too tired to do anything. I can’t even get him to kiss me for more than a few seconds. I’ve tried everything to catch his eye. But he doesn’t look at me. I feel like he doesn’t desire me like that anymore. He’s fine when I do anything (other than sex) to help him “get off.” But I’m left with nothing. I’m not sure what I’m doing wrong, or if he just doesn’t see me like that anymore."

EVIE’S ADVICE: This is a very frustrating and painful situation, we’re sorry that you’re experiencing this! It can be incredibly disheartening when you don’t feel desired by the one person you’ve chosen to spend your life with. Feelings of self-doubt may understandably begin to creep in and affect your mental health as well as your relationship as a whole outside the bedroom. This is not a situation that should be swept under the rug in the hope of it resolving itself. It’s time to get to the bottom of what’s going on – for you and your husband’s sake.  

There are several options for what could be at work here, and thankfully, this is something that can be resolved if both you and your husband are on the same page about wanting to work on it. His lack of sexual intimacy could be a result of a physical health change, such as low testosterone or low thyroid, both of which can significantly decrease energy and libido. He can do bloodwork to find out if either of those hormones is too low and adjust as needed. Strength training has been shown to increase testosterone and reduce stress, so that could be a fitness option to look into. His lack of interest in sex could also be caused by pornography and/or masturbation. These activities have been shown to have negative effects on real-life sexual relationships with romantic partners and oftentimes make it harder for the man to become aroused by a real person. It’s also possible that something in his work or life situation is causing him to be too tired or too stressed. Did he recently get a promotion or has there been a death in the family recently? It could be any number of things in his personal or work life, but that’s most likely a secondary cause. 

The “honeymoon phase” may drop off, but sexual intimacy or intimacy in general shouldn’t disappear in 20 years, much less two years.

Alternatively, it could be a more sinister issue at play here. Two years is not very long for a romantic relationship to fizzle out like this on its own. The “honeymoon phase” may drop off, but sexual intimacy or intimacy in general (as you said, you can hardly get him to kiss you) shouldn’t disappear in 20 years, much less two years. If he won’t even look you in the eyes, that makes us think that he feels guilty about something or is attempting to hide something from you. Of course, don’t take this as a clear sign that he is being unfaithful, but it is worth a conversation and a deeper look. Has your gut been telling you that something is off? Are there other signs pointing to cheating, like him being protective of his phone or coming home late? Has he been bringing up a female coworker or friend a lot recently in conversation? Be direct with him and tell him that you feel like something is off. Certainly don’t start accusing him of anything without proof, but you can ask him questions about his behavior. He is your husband, and if there’s an issue in your relationship, it deserves a real discussion. 

If it’s not an issue of infidelity, you can attempt to enrich your marriage through his love language and by scheduling sex so he knows to save his energy. Maybe the mornings are more his speed (for many guys, this is ideal due to their hormones). You could set your alarm clock an extra 30 minutes early and wake him up with some snuggling to get him in the mood. But the bottom line is that this situation really needs to be addressed with your husband head-on. You need to invite him to be completely honest with you about what is going on. Ask him questions, be honest about how this is making you feel, and come to a solution together. Most likely, it’s not really about you, it’s something on his end. 

Have a question you want our advice on? Email it to us at ask@eviemagazine.com.