Ask Evie: My Husband Speaks Poorly Of Me To His Friends Because I'm A Stay-At-Home Mom. How Do I Approach Him About This?

READER’S QUESTION: "So, I have overheard my husband speak poorly of me to his friends, and I am unsure of how to approach this. Their conversation consisted of remarks belittling my role as a stay-at-home mom, stating that I don’t add value in ways he thinks I should. His friends agreed and chimed in how I don’t work for what I have and how I don’t deserve it. That has resulted in them being dismissive of me, and it has fostered an environment where they don’t respect me in my home and where my husband feels validated in his feelings. And it has left me feeling very depressed.

I have always spoken highly of my husband to everyone, and I assumed that would be reciprocated, but the fact that it isn’t has been a harsh reality check. I would love to know how to navigate this situation effectively and in the least confrontational way possible! Thanks!"

EVIE’S ADVICE: This is a situation that is going to require confronting (though not necessarily fighting). You need to have an honest conversation with your husband about the different elements in this situation: how you talk about each other to others outside your marriage and how that affects your marriage, the importance of respect, what each of you thinks a healthy and mutually giving marriage looks like, and your feelings about what your husband and his friends have said/how they've treated you.

You should address that marriage, in its essence, is not transactional. It is a mutual building of a life together, where each person gives generously and without measure. You chose each other because you loved who that person is – not what they can make or provide or do. Your husband is not just a moneymaker, and you're not just a babymaker and a dinner-maker – that attitude reduces people in a utilitarian way to just one function, instead of seeing and acknowledging their whole humanity.

You married each other because you loved who that person is – not what they can make or provide or do.

We assume you had a conversation when you got married or pregnant about becoming a stay-at-home mom. How was that handled? Was he supportive of you taking on that role and giving up your career? When did that support drop off? What did he picture you doing ideally in this role? This is worth a conversation in and of itself. Most likely, his expectations for you are unrealistically high. Being a mom is a full-time job, which most people, if they haven’t experienced it themself, don’t realize. If you pulled a Freaky Friday, he’d see very quickly how much work you do for the family. You can try to explain your various responsibilities to him and how important it is to spend quality time with your child when you’re not doing household chores. You can even use one of your days as an example and write down essentially a “day in the life,” logging what you did, how long it took, etc. If he’s a visual person, maybe this will give him some perspective. If you want to really get specific, you can write down the cost of all of the responsibilities that you take care of: daycare cost, weekly cleaning, laundry service, grocery shopping, cooking, etc. If you were working a traditional job and were unable to take care of these things, how much would that cost?

With that being said, there’s obviously something else off. Is he stressed about his job financially? Do you spend a lot online? Are you constantly on social media posting things and sending him memes instead of spending one-on-one time with your child, or talking about the latest TV show you binge-watched during the day? Are you expecting him to do the dishes and laundry and other household chores when he gets home from work or waiting around for him to make dinner? If any of these things are true, he may feel like he is being taken advantage of, and it could be worth an honest look in the mirror. What’s making him feel this way, and what can you do as a team to fix it? 

Let him know you always speak highly of him and that you’re disappointed to hear he does the opposite. A good man doesn’t want to hurt his wife. He may have felt pressured by his guy friends who were speaking badly of their wives and felt judged if he didn’t join in, or maybe he felt like he was being lighthearted and joking, rather than actually trying to criticize your role. Either way, you can tell him that it is hurtful to you and ask him how he would feel if the roles were reversed. If he truly feels taken advantage of and wants something to change, let him know that talking badly about you isn’t the answer. 

As far as your husband's friends go, you can insist on being spoken to and about respectfully, especially in your own home. You can say, "I won't be disrespected in my own home," and leave the room. But we would encourage you to talk to your husband first and get on the same page before confronting his friends because that could lead to more issues. It is your husband’s responsibility to keep any comments about you positive and put his friends in their place if they speak negatively about you. A good man doesn’t tolerate disrespect toward his wife. At the end of the day, you and your husband need to be committed to being a team and taking on the world together, and that is going to start with a fully transparent conversation. 

Have a question you want our advice on? Email it to us at ask@eviemagazine.com.