Ask Evie: My Friend Told Me She’s Cheating On Her Husband And Has No Plans To Stop. What Do I Do?

READER’S QUESTION: "I’ve been friends with her for over a decade, but lately, I’ve been extremely distant with her. She spoke with me over the phone to tell me that she cheated on her husband. Not once, but several times. She admitted to being on dating apps to meet with other men and go on dates. She hasn’t told him what she has done and refuses to. I tried suggesting ways in which she can work on things, like marriage counseling or separation, but she refuses to do anything. She didn’t even have any remorse for what she had done.

I tried to be a good friend and listen to her and provide feedback, but knowing she doesn’t feel bad for what she has done, and she told me she plans on dating more men, has put a barrier between us. I’ve known her for so long, and I feel like I met a new person that day.

Her behavior goes against my values, and while I don’t want to cut her out of my life completely, I know our friendship won’t be the same. I need advice on how to approach this situation: Do I just keep a distance? Or do I approach her regarding her behavior?"

EVIE’S ADVICE: This is definitely a tough situation, but think about it this way: If your friend is willing to betray and disrespect the man she sleeps beside every single night and has chosen to spend her life with, what would she do to you (someone she doesn’t have nearly as much invested in)? Cheating reveals who a person is in that it shows their values (or lack thereof). Especially if she is not remorseful and is practically bragging to you about her actions and telling you that she plans to continue behind his back, that is sadly not a person you want in your life at all. 

She put you in a really bad position by telling you this information because now you have to carry her secret.

It sounds like she’s going through some kind of crisis in her life, and we know it can be difficult to drop a friend at a time like that, but we would suggest you have an honest conversation about how you’re feeling with her knowing this news. Whether you’re friends with her husband or not, she has put you in a really bad position by telling you this information because now you have to carry her secret and guilt as well (or tell her husband and put yourself in the middle of their marriage). 

If you insist on continuing a friendship with her, keep it at arm's length and let her know that you think she should come clean to her husband about her affair(s) and/or end their marriage, and that you don’t want to talk to her about their marriage or her affairs until she does so. You can ask her how she would feel if her husband were stepping out on her and try to have her see the situation from his perspective in order to realize all of the damage she is causing. At the end of the day, though, unless you’re going to step up and tell her husband yourself, you can’t control her actions. You can control whether or not you continue to listen to her make them, however. 

Have a question you want our advice on? Email it to us at ask@eviemagazine.com.