Ask Evie: My Boyfriend's Friend Is Jealous Of How Much Time We Spend Together. Is This Normal?

READER’S QUESTION: "I've been officially dating this guy for about a month now and things are great, but I'm pretty sure one of his friends is jealous of me and how much time I am spending with my boyfriend. He will call my boyfriend multiple times while we're on a date, just to say hi and to ask if I'm still there, he tried to get my boyfriend to skip out on our lunch date (as we were on our way there), and worst of all, he has tried multiple times to get my boyfriend to go out and smoke with him and to lie to me about it (I established that smoking was a dealbreaker long before we started dating, and it has not been an issue at all).

It is really disappointing because I've seen this friend turn from somewhat of a wingman, giving my boyfriend date ideas and hyping him up, to this. I've mentioned how I think he is jealous, and my boyfriend agrees. This is my first relationship, and I've been working through my friends’ similar feelings with them, but they've never done anything like this. Is there anything my boyfriend and I can do? Is this something we should just wait out, or do we need to talk to his friend?"

EVIE’S ADVICE: Jealousy isn't uncommon among guys when they see that their friend is spending more and more time with a woman he really likes. His friend is likely upset with how your boyfriend's time and attention have been diverted away from their friendship toward you – the girlfriend. And he himself may not have realized how that would impact him when he was acting as a wingman. Your relationship is relatively new, so he's still getting used to it. The good news is, you've gotten past the first obstacle (which could be considered the toughest one), which is talking to your boyfriend about it and having him admit and agree that his friend is struggling with jealousy. At least you're on the same page and you can agree on what you're seeing. 

Unfortunately, this isn't a situation that you can fix or even approach with your boyfriend's friend. This is something that your boyfriend has to deal with, as it's his friend and not yours. You getting involved will likely only make the situation worse. You can encourage your boyfriend to make time every week to hang out with this friend to take the edge off any feelings of abandonment or discomfort with the change in his social life he might be experiencing. But other than that, your boyfriend needs to be the one to talk to his friend about boundaries and expectations. If you get involved directly, it will only make you look bad – controlling, interfering, bossy, stealing his friend away, you name it, he might think it, or worse, say it.

Kill him with kindness and show him why your boyfriend fell for you in the first place.

Secondly, unless the situation escalates and he is disrespectful or rude to you, the best thing you can do is just kill him with kindness and show him why your boyfriend fell for you in the first place. Perhaps what he needs is more time to realize that your relationship is a good thing for your boyfriend and that there is room for both of you in your boyfriend's life. Maybe you organize some more friend group activities where you can all hang out together and get to know him in a friendly manner. This will also allow him to see how happy the two of you are together and help him learn how to include you in his life. 

It's hard for some guys who aren't ready to settle down to see their male friends go from living the single life with them to finding a woman and moving forward in a committed relationship. They feel left behind, abandoned, even betrayed, like that guy (or you) killed the good thing they had going.

Have a question you want our advice on? Email it to us at ask@eviemagazine.com.