Ask Evie: My Boyfriend And My Brother Aren’t Talking And I Feel Like I Have To Choose Which Relationship To Keep

READER’S QUESTION: “So I need some advice about my relationship. I’ve been dating my boyfriend for a little over two years and, honestly, up until recently, things have been great. He’s been kind, supportive, loving, and I’ve trusted him completely. However, about a month ago, something happened that has thrown a big curve ball for me. 

About a month ago, my brother and his girlfriend approached me, and his girlfriend told me that my boyfriend had liked her Story three times in one night. Twice around 9pm and again at 1am. My boyfriend and I don’t live together, so I wasn’t with him. And the Story he liked was a sultry selfie of her in a dark room. I should also mention that my boyfriend isn’t close to my brother or his girlfriend really, which also makes it odd and awkward. We have had several deep conversations about it, and I have decided to stay in the relationship and try to move forward. My boyfriend had shown great remorse and said it was stupid of him and he loves me and meant nothing by it. 

Now though, it is causing a lot of problems with my brother and me. I live with my brother, and we just moved in together. We equally split rent and utilities. My brother feels very upset about the whole situation and does not want my boyfriend to come over at all due to the awkwardness. I understand my brother's perspective, but at the same time, I feel like the whole situation is a little silly and I want to try to move on. However, I don’t know how to stay in a relationship with a guy I can’t have over into my own home. My brother says I can have him over, but he may have to move out if I do. I don’t want to ruin my relationship with my brother or make him feel like he needs to leave. My brother and boyfriend have not spoken once since it all happened. 

I guess the advice that I need is what is the solution to this? Is there a way to move on from this? Or do I need to end my relationship? I’m trying to see both sides, but it feels like I’m at an impasse and stuck in the middle right now. I love my boyfriend, and we are getting pretty serious, but I also love my brother and value my family. Please help! I don’t know what to do.”

EVIE’S ADVICE: We live in a world of nonstop social media. We turn to our phones to keep us occupied while waiting in line at the DMV, when we're putting off doing a chore, and when we can't fall asleep. We also post to social media to gain likes and comments. Yes, we are sharing our lives, but ultimately, we post our favorite pictures, the funniest moments, and the things that are going to get the most engagement – the parts that we want others to see and comment on. That is the nature of social media. Liking posts and browsing at all times of the day is normal and, for the most part, fairly harmless.

That being said, if you’re finding issue with your boyfriend liking another girl's post – regardless of who she is – then you might want to ask yourself why. Why does clicking a button (even if it's twice or thrice) cause you feelings of insecurity? Is there something else going on with his behavior that's making you question his faithfulness?

As for your brother, we might ask him the same question, particularly because it seems as though his frustration is misdirected. After all, it was his girlfriend who posted the suggestive photo. Is he going to monitor everyone who liked her picture/Story? What specifically is making him insecure about the fact that your boyfriend was one of them?  If your brother doesn't like men looking at a "sultry selfie" of his girlfriend, then perhaps he should have a conversation with her about her behavior online. Who knows, this may already be a point of contention in your brother’s relationship, and your boyfriend’s actions touched a sore spot. 

It seems that both you and your brother are suffering from insecurity, and that this seemingly innocuous social media situation is bringing it all to light. Again, take a deeper look at your relationships to see if there's something in there that's triggering these feelings. Or, since both you and your brother seem to be feeling similarly, perhaps it's something that you both carry from an experience growing up or from family dynamics. Because at the end of the day, you should be able to trust your significant other enough to navigate social media. But it's fully your right to give your boyfriend another chance and see if this was truly an isolated incident.

At the end of the day, you should be able to trust your significant other enough to navigate social media.

The other part of this situation is the boundaries your brother is establishing in response to the Instagram incident. It makes some sense that your brother wouldn’t want your boyfriend to come around – he probably feels protective/jealous of his girlfriend. He also clearly views your boyfriend as the offending party. You may have forgiven him and are trying to forget and move on, but your brother hasn’t. 

However, you also live there and should have the same freedom to have your friends and boyfriend over. Your brother has to understand that you're an adult, and you are just as much a resident in your home as he is. If you want to have your boyfriend over, he is going to have to respect that. If he needs to move out because he can't handle it, perhaps that's how it has to be. You don't have to fight with him, be rude, or be combative, but you do have to stand up for yourself and make it known that you can make your own decisions. 

Alternatively, a short-term solution is to only see your boyfriend in other places, as creating some space may help take the edge off the situation and let everyone’s emotions calm down. This will help you preserve both relationships. But, honestly, unless your brother can also reach a point of forgiving and forgetting, this awkwardness isn’t going to fade, and you’ll still be stuck feeling like you have to choose between your boyfriend and your brother.

Unless your brother can also reach a point of forgiving and forgetting, this awkwardness isn’t going to fade.

Let’s say you marry your boyfriend, and your brother marries his current girlfriend. What then? Are the four of you just going to keep up this awkward situation for years to come? What happens when there’s a family event that you all need or want to attend?

While it’s possible that your brother will come to see your boyfriend made a mistake and also move on over time, it’s not a guarantee. It might help to move the situation forward if your boyfriend were to apologize to your brother directly, man to man, without you just passing “what he said” messages back and forth. We would recommend that your boyfriend take responsibility for his actions without making excuses or laying blame on anyone else. The fastest way to make this situation way worse would be for him to point out to your brother that a girl in a relationship probably shouldn’t be posting sultry selfies of herself on Instagram for everyone to see. Your boyfriend could also offer a way to make sure this doesn’t happen again, like unfollowing your brother’s girlfriend. Ultimately, it sounds like this situation is a big invitation for all four people involved to grow in self-awareness, healthy boundaries, and maturity.

Have a question you want our advice on? Email it to us at ask@eviemagazine.com.