Ask Evie: My Boyfriend And I Have Different Visions For Raising Children When It Comes To Religion. Do You Think This Can Work?

READER’S QUESTION: "I met an amazing man with a level of compatibility I didn’t know was possible, but our only point of contention is religious differences. We are both politically conservative, extremely compatible in personality and lifestyle, and have the same vision for the future and what we want in a marriage.

I am agnostic, and he is Catholic. We both have a ‘live and let live’ mentality about it in dating but differ in our wishes for the role of religion in raising children. I believe indoctrination swings both ways (even when intentions are pure). I want to teach my children HOW to think, not WHAT to think. I said it would be ok to teach children that people share different beliefs, but I draw the line at a child being an active participant in any ideology that they are not developed enough to understand or challenge.

We decided that we still want to pursue a relationship because we understand compromise is inevitable and we are natural complements in every other way. We respect each other’s ability to have very difficult conversations like this while honoring our differences and celebrating our compatibilities. Would love to hear your thoughts!"

EVIE’S ADVICE: This definitely calls for a very layered approach. To start, we want to point out that educating children in a religious belief does not preclude them from learning how to think. Even when you are passing on information to them as facts, they will naturally ask questions, which is your opportunity to engage in discussion. If you’ve been around kids, you know they ask all sorts of questions – even philosophical ones – and oftentimes starting as young as 3 or 4 years old. Cultivating a family culture that permits questions, challenges, and doubts and encourages open discussion about them allows children to know it’s safe to ask questions and to learn to think for themselves. It gives parents the space to teach them how to analyze, argue, and draw conclusions. Only when no challenge is permitted and questions are squashed does any form of religion become ideological. And furthermore, your boyfriend would probably argue that Catholicism can stand being examined and challenged.

Another thing to consider is that if your boyfriend is serious about his Catholic faith, then he will probably want to get married in the Catholic Church, which requires that the Catholic party "promise sincerely to do all in his power to ensure that any child of the marriage will be baptized and raised in the Catholic faith" – something you have already indicated you’re not willing to do. Honestly, the question of faith and how to raise your children will likely be an ongoing area of contention all the years that children are in your home. You might agree to disagree now, but if you both hold to your current positions in the future, then it will be a major source of conflict throughout your marriage. Naturally, you will both want to raise your children the way you think is best for them, and if those approaches are at odds, then nothing harmonious will be the result.

If you both hold to your current positions in the future, it will be a major source of conflict throughout your marriage.

Moving forward, if you and your boyfriend decide to part ways due to your differing beliefs, you may find that a man with similarly atheist or agnostic beliefs doesn’t feel as strongly about the bond of marriage or taking care of your heart and soul in the same way that someone in the Catholic religion is meant to. Of course, religion doesn’t dictate how every man behaves, but the traditional moral standards of Catholicism are meant to benefit individuals, marriages, children, and society. If you love those things about your boyfriend, you may need to give his religious upbringing more credit where it’s due.

Something to consider outside your relationship is why you feel so strongly about being agnostic. Is it something from your childhood, or how you were brought up to feel about religion? Did you have a traumatic experience that led you to this decision? Secondly, what’s triggering your “how to think” standpoint? You seem to feel very strongly about this, and there’s probably a reason behind that to unpack. 

At the end of the day, it’s worth truly sitting down without blinders and considering how this question of how to raise your children regarding religion will affect your relationship and your potential children’s lives and having those more difficult conversations before moving forward. A marriage made up of two differing perspectives can certainly work, and it has the potential to make you both grow as individuals and allow your children to see differing views, but it also has the potential to breed resentment and spark arguments that may not be able to be resolved. 

Have a question you want our advice on? Email it to us at ask@eviemagazine.com.