Ask Evie: My Boyfriend And I Disagree On Me Being A Stay-At-Home Mom. Is This A Dealbreaker?

READER’S QUESTION: "Dear Evie, I’ve been with my boyfriend for a little over two years, and the talk of marriage is very little to not at all. He says he wants to marry me one day, but that’s all. We both live at home as I don’t believe in living together before getting married. That’s a recipe for disaster, in my opinion. He’s almost 30 and has not begun to even look for houses, and is dead set on always wanting a two income household, while I’d like to raise the future babies we have at home. We obviously disagree. What should I do?"

EVIE’S ADVICE: This is a tough one, and it’s really going to depend on how confident you feel about him being the man you are supposed to be with for the rest of your life. These are two huge things to disagree on, and it’s likely that you are wasting your time by continuing to date your boyfriend if nothing changes. 

It’s smart that you have set a firm boundary about not wanting to live together prior to getting married as we can see that being detrimental to your relationship, especially if he is already hesitant to make the commitment. If he is getting all of the benefits of living together and playing house, why would he want to get married? That being said, since he is almost 30 already and still living at home with no prospects of moving out or looking for a home, that is not a good sign – simply for the fact that it sounds like he is comfortable mooching off his parents and being taken care of. Does he show other signs of immaturity in his lifestyle or your relationship, or is he adamant that he lives at home so that he can be responsible in saving money for a down payment on a house and an engagement ring? There’s a huge difference between these two types of men.

If you have been dating him seriously for two years and he is almost 30, it’s also a red flag that he is not talking about getting married anytime soon. Any man at that age who knows that he has someone special or a woman he couldn’t bear to lose would make the commitment. Plain and simple. 

Secondly, when it comes to your potential future together in having a family, this is something you need to get on the same page about prior to getting engaged, as it will only cause problems down the road if not handled properly. Is his desire for a two-income household out of fear that he won’t be able to support a family on his own no matter how hard he works, or is it because he doesn’t have the motivation to put in the extra effort in order to move up the ladder and earn an income to support a family? Essentially, does he do the bare minimum at work just to get by, or does he show a strong motivation to improve and provide? Alternatively, it could be due to his idea that you two should be “equals” in the household, and both bring in income to support the family. If this is his stance, it’s worth bringing up the question of who then is going to take care of the children? Are you both going to pay for childcare and split household responsibilities like cooking and cleaning and taking care of the kids’ doctor’s appointments, extracurricular activities, etc. while working full-time jobs? This may allow him space to consider all of the options and reframe his understanding of what would be required of you both if that were the decision. However, if you feel very strongly about wanting to be a stay-at-home mom and are forced to work full-time due to his unwillingness to budge on this issue down the road, that is going to lead to a whole lot of resentment and unhappiness on your part. 

Our advice is to take a break and some time apart to really consider your future. Maybe breaking up will make him realize that you’re the only woman he wants to be with and he will snap out of his unwillingness to change, but you need to prepare yourself for that not happening. If you two go your separate ways and he does not have some great realization about doing everything in his power to keep you and make a real commitment, that is a very clear sign that you moving on is for the best. There is no sense in wasting another two years with him when it is so abundantly clear that you are on drastically different pages. 

Have a question you want our advice on? Email it to us at ask@eviemagazine.com.